well that’s interesting. a big giant trigger i haven’t experienced in the past two months, completely unexpected feeling of OH GOD i need a drink to smooth this out, to take the edge off, to remain calm.
and what happened? what was the trigger?
a request to go in and present to a big new (potential) company on Friday morning. oh and can i come with samples? But of course (yeah right, let me check … i have nothing on hand).
This is important to me for several reasons. I have two primary sources of income and i’ve been playing with a third source for about a year. it’s making about 400 euros a month now, it’s a side-hobby kind of thing, but it’s my real passion in life whereas my two other jobs are very successful and lovely and i have great clients, colleagues, managers, but they’re not why i’m on the planet.
the presentation on friday is for the 3rd passion-side-hobby job. it would seem that they’re not entertaining other vendors; i have been recommended to them from a previous one-time-only client, and they’re pretty sure they want to hire me based on her referral. the Friday meeting appears to be to talk about logistics, what i can do, what i can’t do, what i won’t do, and what i’ll charge, and to show me the space and meet their team.
the urge to drink? as soon as i hung up the phone. a low thrum of excitement, a thrill even. Yes, a feeling of hooray! Not panicked or manic or overwhelmed or nervous, just happy and excited for the opportunity
and that, my friends, made me feel like drinking. Happy and excited = one shot of vodka into my tonic and cranberry.
Instead, I ran some warm water and did the dishes by hand instead of putting them into the dishwasher. I ate half of a toasted english muffin as a snack. and then i figured i’d come in here and write down the contents of my head …
Note to self: Beware! Good feelings ahead! May inspire alcohol cravings! Take necessary precautions! : )
Light bulb moment: Who knew that i drank to be less excited? i thought I drank when things were shitty. that’s not even true, i drank no matter what the emotion. happy, sad, depressed, lonely, angry. Oh, look there’s an emotion, time to drink. How foolish. instead i will now mellow into this happy and pleased feeling of being chosen and being recognized for my work. Maybe there’s some cake in my future …