… and that I can do

i am well. i am strangely at peace. it is very quiet in my head and i can assure you that NEVER happens, so i have to take note. it’s momentous.

nothing like a bit of young-kid-dying-too-young to make the penny drop. does tend to put one’s life into perspective.

and it’s like the 20-year-old’s “serene, can’t be rushed, all is good” energy has been distributed amongst her friends and family. all at once. you should see her FB page. we’re all feeling and saying virtually the same thing …

So yesterday and today, for whatever reason — because i’m grieving or because i’m awash in 20-year-old’s serene spirit — i have simply stopped resisting alcohol. the white knuckling, counting days, feeling tempted, trying to distract myself — it has all simply stopped.

abruptly.

Facing backwards in a car never suited me, anyway, as I get car sick. And now i’ve stopped facing backwards, I’ve stopped yearning for the thing i’ve left behind (wine). when i face forward i realize it’s not part of my world view. it has just vanished.

why? because i realize now, thanks to everyone, that living sober is NOT about resisting booze. It’s about dealing with life without having blurry edges.

I can do that.

It’s a weird sense of relief.  it’s like i’ve just been handed the ticket to understanding and surviving sobriety:

Here’s the HARDEST part, Belle.  You can no longer stuff down your feelings, and you can’t numb yourself with booze.

Hooray! I’m not wanting to make light of the situation here, but man-oh-man my response to that is it’s WAY EASIER to confront my emotions than it is to resist drinking. Resisting drinking is freaking nearly impossible.

[I wonder if that even makes sense.  If i was 3 days newly sober i’d think that Belle was delirious.]

Let me try to explain it again.

It’s a relief to know that the way THROUGH a life without wine is entirely within MY control, within my ability, and is something I can DO. There’s an action I can take that makes this easier.  It’s called: living life in its natural state. No artificial coloring, no additives. No booze, no smoothing the edges, no hiding.

Fuck man. Really? This is great news because I CAN DO THAT. 

yeah, i can’t do it all at once, and I can’t do it all today. But it is something i totally have within me to do.

cuz white knuckling and feeling tempted by wine and continuously having to turn away … that I can’t do.  I just can’t do it any more.  it’s exhausting, and unfulfilling.  I realize that’s what I was writing when I said that I was tired and couldn’t do this any more.

for today at least, i feel like i’ve got the ticket out.  it’s accepting life. No artificial colors, no additives.

and that I can do.

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

  • I know I’m a few years late, but just wanted to say that I’m finding a HUGE amount of comfort from your blog and was so pleased to read this post!! A few posts earlier, when you spoke about ending your sober experiment, my head was screaming ‘no, no, NO!!’. Selfish as it sounds (I am an alcoholic, after all!), I needed you to carry on and show me that living sober IS possible. I’m at day 51 (again) so following your journey from a similar point has been really motivational. I completely relate to your points about getting tired and waiting for things to come to an end (this is where I’ve always fallen flat on my face in past), so thank you for your words: ‘it’s accepting life. No artificial colors, no additives.’ – that’s what I’m focusing on now. I need to stop thinking about not drinking and start learning to live sober. Thank you, Belle, for inspiring me to keep going 🙂

  • This post makes perfect sense Belle. You are so right! I feel like I’m at that point too. I want to live life and face all of it sober. I haven’t felt like I needed drink since my little fall and I honestly dont desire one at all
    You’re my rock! Bugs. Jen

  • Love it when someone has an “Ah ha” moment, gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside and hope they will embrace a health sober way of life. Very cool, thanks for sharing!!

  • Wow Belle wow. I love this post. I’m so excited for you. I can’t wait to get there. I just love reading your posts…..

    • Thanks overndout. I can’t believe I’m here. I’m not taking it for granted, though. I nearly turned away at least a half dozen times, and I can count two times when I was half-way-out-the-door (if you know what I mean)… I want to ride this nice feeling until the next hurdle, whatever that might be … Can’t wait to hear more about how you’re doing : )

  • so great to free yourself from both thoughts of drinking… and thoughts about not drinking. life in it’s raw form!

  • Love this. Facing forward, meeting life head on, and dealing with stuff as it comes your way. Leaving the poison behind in its bottles marked with the big skull and crossbones and feed goodness to your soul instead.
    xo