Day 50 … thank you very much.
Long run Sunday, and on the run I realized something yucky and profound.
when i first met my husband, i’d only ever dated assholes and idiots. I’d had 3 boyfriends over 20 years, including two long periods of being single.
First, Mr. Laywer, met in high school, dated through university and law school. On and off for 8 years including several years where we lived on opposite sides of the country. Mr. Lawyer was sensitive, very very smart, could not commit to a relationship. Together, apart, together, apart for years… He wouldn’t move to where I was (even though going there had originally been his idea but he’d chickened out at the last minute).
Second, Mr. Engineer. Super wealthy family, led a somewhat sheltered life, smart. was so important that we once went on vacation in two cars, in case he had to come home to deal with his job … We dated full-time seriously for 6 months, and then slept together for another 2+ years. i waited and waited and waited to be “the one” for him. Never happened.
Third, Mr. TrainWreck. charming, compulsive liar, super manipulative. Angry, strange relationship with money (he didn’t have any plastic), strange relationship with alcohol (he had an AA tattoo but said it wasn’t his — i kid you not). i fell very hard for him. super hard. he could smell that kind of desperation a mile away and used it. lies and weirdness from the beginning that i refused to see. never met any of his friends in 6 months. Super angry, temper, walking on eggshells. One day he just stopped calling. i knew things were in a desperate state, so i only called timidly a few times the first week, then when he didn’t call back i stopped calling. never went to his house. figured if he was gone, it was best to let him go.
got some good therapy. left that city and moved back closer to my family (but not THAT close).
Met my husband, Mr. Belle. Here’s our story: he asked me out, i went, we had 3 dates, he spent the night, he never went home. That’s it. I never had to say “when will I see you again?” He’s easy going, happy all the time. he’s self-contained, not needy, no demands. He does dishes (and cleans the bathroom). He’ll go out for milk at 10 pm if I decide I want to make pudding. We read the same books, we walk a lot. we enjoy each other’s company. he eats my recipe trials.
There is no drama in my marriage. We don’t fight and make up. We don’t get angry and sleep in separate rooms. Some days I think he’s a turd, but i usually don’t say anything, and then it passes.
This is a long story, here’s the realization i had this morning.
I’m so used to drama from my stupid childhood that I expect drama (and/or I create drama) when things are going well.
When I first met my husband, i was literally waiting for the other shoe to drop for an entire year. Like i felt terrified that i was going to find out something that would prove that he was an asshole/idiot, and that he was too good to be true. Husband was always reassuring when i was wacky worried. He said “you need a lot of reassurance” and then he gave more reassurance…
I think that i’m treating my sobriety the same way. I’m expecting some drama.
I mean, how can you just give up booze and then go merrily on your way? What about the teeth-knashing, late nights, relapsing, disaster, crying, promising to try harder the next time. I seem to be skipping most of that. (i’m good at teeth-knashing, but only when i work myself up into a pms frenzy.)
and in thinking about relapse, as i was last night, i wonder today in the cool light of sensible morning, if i was trying to MAKE some good-old fashioned drama. “Everybody look at Belle, watch her fuck up.”
when really, i don’t need to fuck this up. i don’t need to create any drama here.
And just like the early days of my marriage, i can just stop waiting for the drama. and i can turn away from the temptation to CREATE drama. and i can say, with some certainty, “YES this is pretty good. It’s better than you thought you deserved, and yet here it is.”
“You can wait and see. Or you can fuck it up. Your choice.”
If all of the drama in my life is self-created, because i’m uncomfortable with calm and peaceful wellness, then i need to give that up (again). Drama and struggle don’t have to be something i pull along behind me, like a worn sweater. Drama and struggle are optional.
I am not drinking, and that’s just the way it is. I need to get over myself.
No Drama Here.