how are you. i am fine. i ate chicken. are you bored yet?

i am committed to posting something every day for the first 60 (or perhaps 90) days, and i do not want to devolve to just recounting my day and telling you “what i did yesterday” or “what i plan to do today”. I’m challenging myself instead to record insights, struggles, things i’ve realized, things i’ve learned from reading other blogs, and recording successes.  Not just “we had company last night for dinner and i made roast chicken” … but instead “i was worried about not drinking last night and it turned out to be quite easy to have tonic and cranberry, what was i worried about?”

in fact, after the company left, my first thoughts were:  it’s early (10:30 pm, that’s an early ending to a saturday night, especially if wine is involved; guest and husband shared one bottle, how tame, how lame, how ordinary).

And my Number #2 thought, shocking, was: “why did i think that i was going to trip and fall and drink this evening? is having dinner with friends some kind of battle that requires fortification? what was so bad about that, about having dinner, that i thought i might be tempted to drink?”

was it a battle that required strength? was it a hurt that required soothing? was it a not-nice-event that could be lifted with a shot or two?

it was dinner. roast chicken. big windows open. molten chocolate cake for dessert (the first trial didn’t work so well and poured out all over the counter, so i let the other one bake longer and it was perfect…).

i think, before, i drank for NO REASON. there’s nothing about having dinner with friends that is improved by wine.

thus begins day 43. and in the spirit of not simply recounting my day without insight, let me say i’m back from my sunday long run, it’s sunny, and my husband is – as i type – making us breakfast complete with homemade sausage that i pulled from the freezer. we are going out for a big long walk today. it continues to be hot and sunny (25C). we will be having white bean soup with fennel for dinner…


I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

  • So much of it combination of habit and addiction. And its takes a while to reprogram ourselves is what I am finding. But each time we do it its progress in breaking both the habit and the addiction. Enjoy the bean soup! xx

  • I remember the first time I went out with friends shortly after I had quit drinking. I was scared, nervous, stressed. Those feelings led to drinking in the past. I didn’t drink that night, but I did feel awkward. Exploring those feeling of nervousness and stress, I realized I was scared they wouldn’t like me. That I wouldn’t know what to say or do except look at the walls or fiddle with food. Again, that they wouldn’t like me.
    Once I named that fear, I was able to work on it and accept it. I learned that people actually liked me MORE sober, but that (aha!) [it] didn’t matter one way or another. Some people will like me, some won’t. That’s life and it’s okay. It’s certainly not anything I choose to drink over today.
    Glad you had a quiet and normal night. And I’m glad you stuck with the chicken. 😀

    • That *it* didn’t matter.
      Oy, crazy iPhone. I matter! I really do! Haha. : )
      [note from belle: typo edited …, you matter lots!]

  • way to go. i guess it’s just about creating new habits. dinner with friends always involves alcohol. now it doesn’t have to. AND it really isn’t that big of a deal, even though i agree it sure seems like it to me!

  • Oddly, I had a similar feeling this week. Both my kids came over for dinner (red duck curry) which normally would’ve involved much beer and wine for yours truly, instead I said no thankyou. The g/f , my daughter and my son had a glass or two of wine…. And that was it. It just sort of went unnoticed, a wonderful intimate evening that really didn’t need any alcohol. Its just a question of saying no thankyou , that simple really.
    Glad to hear your running is going well, I’m just off out the door now… 7 am, grey damp, almost autumn morning… I’ll take my dog for some company 🙂