I probably don’t meet the definition of an alcoholic. No bottom, no disaster, just a slow erosion of quality of life.
but there was alcohol consumed in my immediate family, and i have watched the effects closely, all my life.
ok, i’m not a textbook alcoholic myself, perhaps, but did the consumption of alcohol negatively affect my life? definitely. i was grumpy when drinking, i slept poorly, and i still weigh more than i want to.
did i continue to drink for a long time after i knew that it wasn’t working for me? yes. i’ve been writing things in my journal like “drink less” for years. forever, it seems. i have a diary from 2004 and it’s right there in black in white.
Sober, I like the person i’m becoming. sure, i’d like to be able to have one glass of wine with dinner, but the noise in my head gets so loud that one drink would always turns into three. even when i have a big work gig in the morning, even when i know the next day would be a disaster.
I equate THAT with repeatedly slamming your hand in a car door. like, if you want to feel pain, there are easier ways to get it!
Yes, we can have a conversation about degrees. degrees of use, abuse, powerlessness. i never want one glass of wine, i want three. if i were to drink today, i would also drink tomorrow.
now that i’m not drinking, the noise in my head has mostly stopped. only about once a day, or less, do i think “i could have a drink now” and then i let it go. the noise is getting tamer. It doesn’t fight back so hard. and i’m smarter than the noise in my head. I’ve finally stopped slamming my hand in a car door. what a relief.
i am (finally) learning from my mistakes. i want to evolve.
Day 41. I’ve never been here before 🙂