slamming hand in car door is not a good idea

I probably don’t meet the definition of an alcoholic. No bottom, no disaster, just a slow erosion of quality of life.

but there was alcohol consumed in my immediate family, and i have watched the effects closely, all my life.

ok, i’m not a textbook alcoholic myself, perhaps, but did the consumption of alcohol negatively affect my life? definitely. i was grumpy when drinking, i slept poorly, and i still weigh more than i want to.

did i continue to drink for a long time after i knew that it wasn’t working for me? yes. i’ve been writing things in my journal like “drink less” for years. forever, it seems.  i have a diary from 2004 and it’s right there in black in white.

Sober, I like the person i’m becoming. sure, i’d like to be able to have one glass of wine with dinner, but the noise in my head gets so loud that one drink would always turns into three. even when i have a big work gig in the morning, even when i know the next day would be a disaster.

I equate THAT with repeatedly slamming your hand in a car door.  like, if you want to feel pain, there are easier ways to get it!

Yes, we can have a conversation about degrees.  degrees of use, abuse, powerlessness.  i never want one glass of wine, i want three.  if i were to drink today, i would also drink tomorrow.

now that i’m not drinking, the noise in my head has mostly stopped.  only about once a day, or less, do i think “i could have a drink now” and then i let it go. the noise is getting tamer. It doesn’t fight back so hard.  and i’m smarter than the noise in my head. I’ve finally stopped slamming my hand in a car door. what a relief.

i am (finally) learning from my mistakes. i want to evolve.

Day 41. I’ve never been here before 🙂


I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

  • My personal best was 17 years!!! And then, excuses just to try some wine. Oh yes, that was fun! That was 2010 and here I am still finding excuses. And hating myself each morning, because I know how good those 17 years felt… having trouble stopping again… excuses, excuses!

  • I guess my personal best was 100 days and then I went straight back to where I was before. The constant battle within myself to moderate the days along with the amounts and of course the justification “it’s only 2 or 3 glasses of wine!” Every morning that followed filled me with self loathing. So here I am on day 40 and there’s a quiet calm that used to be a raging fear of never being able to have another drink. I like who I am.

  • My personal best was 10wks (70 days) aiming for 100 days and then I will reassess.. currently on day 41 today. Feeling good and happy to be here 🙂

  • I’m not sure what my personal best was. Somewhere a bit over 100 days. And then all the other streaks of sobriety that followed were harder, I think because I no longer sailed on a pink cloud like I had with my first taste of freedom. I’m on day 42 and keeping my hands away from any car doors!

  • I’ve never made it to day 546. I had 1.5 years and decided to start slamming my hand in the car door again on May 31st, 2019. Today I have 47 days.

  • Hiya, I actually don’t know how many days sober I had but it was quite a lot. In the 100’s maybe – I’m not sure . I’m not sure it matters that much as it was 4/5 years ago. I feel different this time – the reasons are different, my life context is different, I am different. It feels like I’ve come home and the relief and calm I’m experiencing is palpable. I love being sober. No more car door slamming for me. 😊

  • I recently relapsed at Day 41. My personal best! And you know what ! Straight back to the “hand in car door slamming”. That voice fighting with me about how many drinks to have……I’m on Day 3 now and that experience has reinforced Why would I want to go back to that pain.? This is so much more peaceful.

  • I too didn’t have a terribly low bottom. But my quality of life was eroding quicker these past 2 years due to my increased drinking. I was convinced I had liver disease from not taking care of myself, from pouring poison into my body – but even that didn’t deter me. Because I could never just have one. Would rather have none.
    And thanks to you, Belle, having none is by FAR, the easier and more satisfying way to go. The wolfie voice is definitely getting dehydrated. I want to give my body love and let it heal.

  • 41 days! Congratulations! I love the post. 🙂 I related very much, I could never have just one glass of wine. That was torture. Slamming my hand in a door indeed.

  • EVOLVE – to develop, achieve gradually, to undergo gradual change.

    You already are evolving. You’re developing your skills and knowledge about living sober. You are achieving small goals every day and the gradual change has led you to this very proud, Day 41, place in your life. You will continue to evolve and I am so glad to be witness to this amazing process in your life!

  • Since I stopped drinking, I realized there’s a whole mess of us out there who don’t identify with the stereotypical ‘alcoholic’ label. We haven’t yet suffered the losses associated with the disease of alcoholism, but it’s safe for me to say that’s where I was headed. It’s easier for me to call myself an alcoholic because 1) I don’t know what else to call the proven inability to drink moderately and 2) it helps remind me in its absoluteness that I absolutely can’t drink again. I mean, I could, but it would be a fucking train wreck.

    Congrats on 41 days…really happy for you. Also, had my hand slammed in a car door once…ouch.

  • There was a discussion on one of the message boards the other night about how much alcohol depressed each of us, and while most of us said we didn’t get actually suicidal while dealing with our drinking, we had thoughts of, “I wish I would just die and that would take care of this.” So while we all drank different amounts, had different “symptoms”, and stopped drinking at different stages, it sounds as though we were all equally miserable. So I think my definition of alcoholic is a person whom drinking makes miserable.

  • Good morning and great post. I’m done slamming that door too. Feels good to close it gently. I just started reading a new blog last night ( from the beginning so I’m not done)…and boy her struggles were my struggles for so long. I hope she reads this post and stops slamming the car door on herself. She’s strong. I want her to know that!

  • Its an addictive poison that none of us need in our lives. We are just better off without it. Simple. Too simple perhaps? But I thinks thats the truth of it. You’re doing great Belle!

    • yes, yes, addictive poison, yes. i agree. what i wanted to emphasize in my post was the repetitive harm aspect (i.e. slamming hand in car door) and how i want to evolve from that kind of behavior.

  • I personally don’t think there is any such thing as a ‘generic’ alcoholic. Some of us over-compensate to show we are not like other alcoholics, some of us lose control faster, some of us worry more about controlling others’ perceptions of our drinking.

    But we know we have a problem, even if we’re not sure we’re ready to solve that problem.

    • probably anyone who has to ‘control’ their consumption of alcohol (i.e. everyone) will potentially have a problem sooner or later. i’m glad i stopped when i did. i’m glad i stopped slamming my hand in a car door. i want to evolve…