i’d like to clean this up

i still have moments where i think of drinking, in an abstract way. Not “I need wine right now” but more “this is what i usually do in this time period, in this circumstance.”

For example, there’s a half-jug of mixed cocktails in the fridge from last week’s dinner, and i wish that my husband would drink it. I keep looking at it thinking that i was STOOPID to make that amazing homemade cocktail and not set aside some for myself before adding the gin.  i really would have loved a virgin serving.

And now when i open the fridge, i see the half-pitcher there, gin already mixed in, and i’d like to — ok this sounds strange but i’m just going to say it — i’d like to “eat the leftovers, clean my plate, finish the bottle, get that over and done with, finish this up.”

I have been tempted by this half-jug of cocktails, but in the “i’d like to clean this up” way, rather than in the “i’d like to get a buzz” way. what a weird OCD flash this is.  Let’s “clean this up” my head says, and that would allow me to finish a glass of beer, the last inch in the bottle, the rest of the mixed cocktails…   so now i’m wondering if anyone else has/had thoughts of “this can’t go to waste” that led them to drinking more than they wanted?

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

  • On the very last night I drank alcohol, I stood looking at a half empty glass. I FORCED myself to finish it. With all of me, I honestly did not want it- I was sick, stumbling up the stairs.But I could not dump it and waste it. That image will never leave my head for as long as I live.

  • New Years Eve 2019, I’d planned on buying so many bottles for that night, starting Dry January the next day. I got one extra bottle (split second decision) for after Dry January. I’m on day 32 and the extra bottle is still unopened in the fridge . I know it’s there; my OCD has fixated on it the last few days in a ‘clean this up, make some space’ kind of way. I moved it out of eyesight to stop reminding myself.

  • You know the guy at the restaraunt who’s like, “are you gonna eat that?” after you’re done eating, but have left some food on your plate? Then proceeds to finish it off for you?
    Um, yep, that was me with any type of alcohol. Never left a glass, bottle or keg until it was empty. Not if I was conscious.

  • It doesn’t make sense, but with food, I just throw it out. That half a pan of brownies is not worth 2 pounds on my body, so I just throw out food that is tempting but totally bad for me to finish off. Its been harder with alcohol, especially at then end of the night and there doesn’t seem any point in leaving that last four ounces in there for tomorrow, so I just finish it even though it will only add to the hangover in the morning. I know I don’t need it but can’t seem to just pour it out or leave it there because then, in the morning, I have to look at that bottle with so little left in it and remember that I had 95% of it the night before. When you can clean it all up, put the evidence in the recycle bin and close the lid you don’t have to look at it anymore.

    • oh i agree! i can throw out bad potato chips no problem. i don’t finish my food in a restaurant if it’s mediocre. but if you leave 3 inches in your beer glass, i’ll ask out loud “what’s the matter with you!”