pressing the off button

Sober: Day 27

up too early, not enough sleep, didn’t run, worked hard all day, very hot, ate sugar all day, didn’t really eat enough real food, tonic water and cranberry juice for my ‘drink’ … now it’s 8:20 pm and i feel like a bag of shit. i’m going to go to bed now before any damage is done, before any more sugar is consumed. i don’t feel like drinking, but if you’ve got another fuzzy warm escape idea, i’ll take it.  i realize what i want is a break FROM MYSELF. from thinking, from the noise in my head.  endless details of running a busy life and sometimes i just need it to turn off.  Bad TV, dark room, bottle of red wine kind of “OFF”. instead i’m going to have to grumble and settle for a non-dark bedroom (we’re too far north), clean sheets, the last few pages of a good book, and a headstart on a good night’s sleep.  some days can’t be rescued. they just need to end early.  it’s like pressing the OFF button.

[button pressed, tv screen dims to a tiny point of white light in a static-crackling ocean of gray dots]


I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

  • My drink was full of sugar so I am taking on whatever sugar I need so long as it doesn’t have alcohol in it! I’ll tackle the sugar intake once I am happy I have shut wolfie up… I’m on day 51…

  • Belle,
    I’ve been reading your blog to coincide with my sober days. I don’t have the words to describe my feeling reading this. I have been in a sugar frenzy this week thinking I am bat shit crazy! I had so much one day that I felt hung over the next morning like I had been on a all night drinking binge. 4 days out and my gut is still trying to recover. Thank you for sharing the link to Radiant a Recovery. She must have been sitting in on my counseling sessions after my divorce many years ago. Oh…and shopping is my go to for daytime fun without alcohol. Wow. This just Blows. Me. Away. Damn…

  • I have had a terrible sugar day today. Hope yours was better. I had thought my sugar bingeing was drink related but its turning out to have a life of its own. What to do? What to do? Is is a substitute for the alcohol? A problem of its own or just poor self discipline?? I shall have to address this soon. Any thoughts welcome!
    Cleo xx

    • god cleo, you and i are sharing a brain this weekend. i’ve been feeling so all-over-the-place for 48 hrs, today i’ve LITERALLY been trolling the internet for inspiration most of the day.

      and, gulp, i found this. and (shit) it makes sense (shit).

      particularly this sentence toward the end: “I encourage them to work on the core, the root of it – the biochemistry.”

      so i’m thinking one day without sugar for me (like none, no processed foods, no mayo, none), then have a rest day, then two days off sugar, then a rest day … this is in my future beginning tomorrow. breakfast: eggs and spinach. lunch: tuna and potatoes and feta cheese and homemade salad dressing. dinner: fish and rice. that’ll get me through one day …

      and you ?

      • cleo, the article talks about just what you’re asking – the 100% focus becomes more moderated : ) I don’t think it’s about fruit, but about processed food and refined sugar. i can only do it for a few days at a time (so far). anyway, yesterday i was just wondering if food and maybe Anxiety play a role… probably not OCD in everyone’s case (probably not in mine), but trying to regulate anxiety with alcohol sounds familiar to me : )

      • Thanks so much for link. Have just glansed over but will read in depth later. I have done the whole Atkins /no carb stuff in past and felt pretty good. Can’t cut down fruit to the extnet they say but I dont think too much FRUIT is my problem. Today so far fruit and oats – Not best, but better than toast and honey. Will be reading your link. Is it OCD behaviour to move from 100% focus on our alcohol addiction to 100% on our sugar one? Do we care? At route ARE we OCD?

  • I feel your frustration and empathize so much. My new “off” is a professional massage, a hot bath, a sleep mask that shuts out the light, a pedicure, etc.

  • The overdosing on sugar thing sounds like me all last summer. Whatever gets you through it, I say.

    And no matter how crappy or moody I feel when I go to bed, a good night’s sleep is like a reset button. Plus no hangover!

    It gets easier. Hope you’ll feel better tomorrow.