The truth is that I drink more than I want to. Point finale.

Thanks again to everyone for comments and support and love over the past few days.  it really is a gift you’re offering. you may not realize how little gestures can mean sooo much. taking the time to read, to post, to write, to share, to be honest, to back-pat, to laugh, to groan, and to sigh with relief. Thanks and thanks again.

I have a few new thoughts on the idea of moderation.  And they’re perhaps kind of radical thoughts.  But that’s just the kind of chick i am.

Lots of you were very kind to offer that maybe i would be a “lucky” moderator, maybe i’m not so far gone that i can learn to moderate.  Others expressed their touching and personal experiences with FAILING at moderation, and that’s how they knew that being sober was the only choice for them.

Now while i realize that this decision is personal to me, and it’s up to me, and i have to be comfortable with the decisions that i make … I have to say that i’ve decided to go with the collective intelligence and NOT test out the theory of moderation myself.  While it’s possible that it’s easier to adopt abstinence if i’ve exhausted all other avenues, like if i’ve tried moderation and failed… i think i’m going to skip all that.

Here’s why.

I know what the logical thing to do is.

I know from reading everyone else’s very kind comments and life stories that moderation rarely works, maybe less than 10% of the time.

I know that even thinking about having 2 drinks in August got my brain going with “when, where, how much, what if…”

I know better.

Should I try moderation to rule it out? Probably. Am I going to? No. At least not now.

In the short time i’ve been blogging I’ve learned enough from you.  I don’t have to reinvent the wheel. I can take guidance from those who have been there before me.  I do not have to “see for myself.” I know, i know, i know already. The truth is that I drink more than I want to.  Point finale.  Anything else is besides-the-point.  I drink more than I want to, and i’m not going to fuck with it any more.  All those swimming thoughts of:  “only beer, only weekends, only celebrations, never more than 2, only on vacations” – i want to be done with that.

So yes, maybe this means i’ll always wonder if i could have successfully moderated, and maybe it means that at 90 days I’ll think that I can … I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.  for now i’m going to rely on collective genius.  Your collective genius. Whether you’ve got 2 days or 2 years.  I don’t have to reinvent the wheel.  I just have to do what i know will work.  Not drinking works for me.

Big hugs from me in the cyberworld.


I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

  • I am kind of new to blogging ( actually entering in words), but have been getting so much strength and inspiration from this while community. I have tried the ‘moderate’ route. I have had bouts of sobriety ( 5 months, 21 months, most recently 45 days – this past summer), so I thought I’d like to ‘try’ to moderate. Well, just like you Belle, I was consumed by how many I would have, what days would be alcohol free, etc., etc. It is simply exhausting. As much as I try/want, I can not drink responsibly – why would I want to? When I drink, my mind changes and thinks that 2 would be better than 1 and that 3 would be better than 2. Today is Day 2. Yester-day was fine, but last night was a challenge, but I did it. With the help of everyone out in the ‘sober sphere ‘, I achieved 24 whole hours. Thank you Belle. Thank you everyone 🙂

  • Wonderful! Every now and then I have a nightmare that I accidentally drink alcohol and I feel terrible in the dream. Awake, it makes me realize that every sober day is like a brick in a wall between me and my old mistakes. Trying to moderate would be like karate kicking down the wall I’ve worked like crazy to build.

  • This was wonderful news to wake up to! Really good vibes, for this my first Friday without a drink in probably two years, or is it three years? Big hug from around the world. P.

  • If I could make a decision about the 3rd glass of wine without the effect the 2 previous glasses have on my judgement – well then I would be a moderate drinker. 2 glasses and I dont have a brain. I have this huge, highly persuasive, rebellious party animal type thing in my head who just wants more, more, more.

  • I want chaos too! I want to get pissed!! What is the point of two glasses of wine? I still don’t know. At least 4 is good… and there’s always room for more. You are doing so so well I can see your brain twisting and bending and squeezing and pulsing with all this hard deep robust work that you are doing to free yourself from the clutches of a booze obsession. It’s fucking hard work but we are capable! We are strong!! We can do this!!!

  • You so smart! I never saw the point in two glasses of wine and to tell you the truth I don’t know many drinkers that stop there. You have tried moderation, if you’re like me, you’ve been trying it your whole drinking life, you’ve just never tried a structured moderation program. The problem with structured drinking programs is that after two drinks my alcoholic brain is screaming, “Fuck structure, I want chaos!”

  • I have to say this post makes me really happy, but mostly I think you’re brilliant. And yeah, not drinking works for me too. Love how simply you put that. I’m pulling for you, B. xoxo

  • I’ve been reading so many post on moderation and reading your thoughts as you go through the pros and cons, mostly cons has helped me. I have a new bottle of red wine in the fridge, that I cracked opened the other day because I was only going to have one glass…yesterday actually. I didn’t drink it because I know damn well that all I wanted to do is get drunk and forget about all the stresses in my life for one day. I love booze, crave it and know that I could never do the moderation…take it or leave it type. I have inheritted the gene or more than one and I want to be in control of my body, my health, my life. No booze is the only way to go.
    Don’t get me wrong, I say this easily but it’s tough every day.
    Thanks for your support Belle. Means so much to me

    Xo. Jen. Day 11

  • Me, too-moderation is not a word I can “do”. I have to stay completely away from it all the time; but that’s ok-life holds much more to enjoy when I am sober and I think you have made the wisest choice here. Go full abstinence-that way you know you are safe. It works for me, maybe it will for you too. Happy End of July !~!

  • Hoping August goes well for you. In my experience, those who do well at moderation management are those who don’t need to moderate. They can take it or leave it, have abused alcohol in a crisis but are not alcohol-dependent.

    Me, I just wanted to get drunk.

    • Mary LA, this is the truth. I’m going to print it out and tape it to my monitor so i can see it everyday. “Those who do well at moderation don’t need it.” Me too, i just want to get buzzed and have it administered by an IV …