the talk with the husband.
i guess i knew it would happen eventually.
i say something like “i know i don’t tell you much about what’s going on online, but i just want to say that i’ve found a really great group of women bloggers and i’m surprised at how much it’s helping me. I don’t want to talk about not drinking all the time, or you’ll think i’m online getting brainwashed, but it really is helping me a lot.”
he says: “i think it’s great, whatever you think helps …” and then he adds with some surprise, “i never thought you’d stop drinking on your own like this.”
him: “I’ve been thinking for a long time that we drink too often (nightly). i just never thought you would stop. i figured i’d eventually have to say something.”
[gulp] i know he never would have said anything. this guy wouldn’t say shit if he had a mouthful of it.
me: “how long have you thought we’ve been drinking too much?”
him: “since we lived in XX” (4 years ago).
me: “i figured you’d find me boring now that i’m not drinking. you said that N and G were both boring once they stopped.”
him: “not you.”
me: “and when we go on vacation, you’ll be thinking ‘why can’t she drink with me?'”
me: “well i’m not sure what i’m going to do at the end of Dry July.”
him: “you’ll probably just continue.”
[god, what is he saying?]
me: “continue drinking socially?”
him: “continue not drinking.”
and while he may match me one-for-one when the wine is open, he never initiates it. he never is the one to buy it, to plan it, and if there’s no alcohol in the house he doesn’t drink. i think now he’s just been drinking to keep me company or to avoid conflict.
yesterday i was on day 16, and i asked him when was the last time he had 16 days in a row with not one beer, and he said he didn’t drink daily before he met me (7 years ago)…
of course, i know that feeling disappointed, or sad, or resentful are key triggers to drink … but i’m not being triggered. i’m actually feeling very zen and at ease with my decision to stop. there is wine in the house for an event we’re having this week, and it is not speaking to me. he was out last night and i watched a show on the computer and made muffins. i’m sure there are difficult days ahead, but i’m honestly feeling that it has not been that hard to stop. some brief moments of cravings that pass quickly. and most days, no cravings at all. i’m very aware that i’m still counting days (and in some ways this seems like the longest month on record). and i know that there are challenges ahead at day 40 or 50 or 90.
i thought i was doing this just for the month of july, but perhaps not. three drinks a day, every day, just isn’t how other people consume alcohol. and i’m really not interested in having a glass of wine with dinner now and then — as nice and romantic as that may sound. To me it sounds like fingernails on a chalkboard. i hope at some point in the future it’ll seem appealing to have ‘just a glass’ but i know for now, it sounds like a special kind of hell.
and i never want to have ‘that’ conversation with my husband…