i called this blog “tired of thinking about drinking” because there’s a lot of noise in my head about booze. when to have it, how much, how close together, did he get more, will there be enough.
but i’ve never come across text that explains this ‘noise’ better than my new friend Cleo:
“Moderation does not work for me. Been there so many, many times. My brain is addicted to wine and the addicted brain needs absolute clarity. *Maybe just one* starts up too much discussion between all my selves. *None* is easier for all of us to understand.”
I’m going to print this out and tape it to the edge of my computer monitor so that i can stare at it. My selves. yes, the noise in my head is my rational self talking to my addicted self. and yes, firm boundaries and absolute clarity means no bargaining.
this new note will go up next to the one that’s already attached to my monitor.
I wrote this (to myself) in the fall (perhaps mid-october-ish), i wrote this after consuming my 3 drinks:
“It gets between me and my life, between me and you, between me and serving, between me and fun. it affects my weight, my sleep, my enthusiasm. it blunts, numbs, fills time, expands into the space allowed. adds nothing, feels bad, sad, argumentative, irritated. this isn’t the real me. And escape? There’s nothing to escape from, it isn’t bad here, there’s joy and beauty and ease here. don’t need to ‘go’ anywhere else.”