for today, this is easier

last night I had flashes of “I’d like a drink to take the edge off” or i was remembering how i routinely would say to my husband: “when you’re out, can you pick up some wine?” I wasn’t really craving last night, it was more like a habit, an automatic response.

maybe it’s the time of day, 7:30 pm, we hadn’t eaten dinner yet.  and I imagined an evening WITH wine through rose-colored glasses. Candles, dinner with my husband, we laugh at the table, a few glasses of wine.

And yet, here’s what really would have happened: we’d eat in the office in front of the computer, watching “X-Country Has Talent,” and i’d have 3 glasses of wine + a shot of grande marnier.  Then, inevitably, I’d get really sensitive and nothing husband would say would be right, and we’d go to bed (late) on opposite sides of the king sized bed. I’d toss and turn all night, hot, nauseous, wake too early, drag myself out of bed to work. all day i’d feel like I was pushing a truck uphill, and it’s threatening to roll back down on me.

now when I write it out like that, i have to tell you that the night with wine still seems like a pretty good trade off. and it would be, if it was now and then.  but 7 out of 7 nights a week? not so much.

i’ve tried restricting my alcohol intake before, doing something more ‘moderate.’

and how do I feel when I alternate days… drink one, rest one?

Truthfully, I feel completely irritated the entire day off, and then I usually just give up at about 8 pm and go and get some wine.  then we finish that bottle and whatever else we can scrounge up.  then i plan to quit drinking for 30 days (again), but there’s some event coming up (no matter how big or small) and I have to wait till that event is over until I can go dry again.  So then another three weeks might pass, or 8 or 10 weeks.  with wine 7 nights out of 7, 3-4 glasses a night every night.

so now today is Day 11 for me, and i have to say that this is EASIER. who wants all that angst, all that thinking, all that managing, all that trying-to-control shit.

this way, i only have to have one thought:  I’m not drinking today.  that’s all i have to do today.  I don’t have to manage the liquor supply, i don’t have to get bitchy with my husband, i don’t have to feel tired all day.  I don’t have to drink the special cooking wine that i needed for a special cake and then run around frantically, standing in line at the specialty wine store, trying to replace it.

for today, this is easier.  i’m tired of thinking about drinking.  and so today, i’m going to think about decluttering my office instead 🙂


I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

  • Thank you for sharing your experience and your struggles. It’s helping me stay strong in hopes of banishing the beer bully that’s been part of me for at least the past 6-7 years (and off and on before). “Just for today” breaks it down into something I can wrap my brain around and helps me quiet the internal whining. Day 7

  • I love the way you make it so straight forward and doable. Clear through all the clutter in your head and just don’t drink today – that’s all you need to do. I can do that.

  • My downfall on Saturday night was buying “that special cooking wine” that I got for Paella after I had not drank for two days. (Fuck you, Wolfie.) Today, I thought about the special rum sauce I won’t be able to drin…er…pour on top of the pound cakes. So sad, so sad.
    Thanks, Belle, for making me laugh when I have been on verge of weeping all day.

    • You know, wine is the Devil that they dress up as an Angel. “It’s good for you!” they say. Have a glass each night for your health. If gasoline had a quality to it & someone ingested it and lived, they’d be toting that. I feel you and the wine…but you know what’s 2000% better? Waking up clear headed, feeling great, knowing you kicked Wolfie’s ass once more. Congratulate yourself on being strong!! Alcohol and women don’t mix, but they market it so it does. Read Her Best Kept Secret if you want more info on the history of marketing booze to women. Stick with it!! It’s too easy to give in; be the one that rocks it and doesn’t.

  • Just found your blog and am so grateful. Can relate to it ALL. Just wanted to say thank you for puttting it al “out there”…

  • I still catch myself romanticizing booze. When I stop to intellectualize it, I realize it has never been romantic, not even once.

  • Yes wine lied to us. Its like great marketing campaigns of old – you will be rich and glamourous and successful if you smoke X brand of cigarette. We all know now thats bullshit, yet sometimes we look at wine through these same sort of lenses. I agree life is so much simpler without if. I planned my life around whether I would have a hangover or not. No can’t gym/run Thursday, big night Wednesday. Saturday a right off because X party on Friday. And sometimes I used to refuse invitations because I could not afford to have a hangover the following day. And remember all this angst over what is the Toxic Byproduct of Rotting Fruit. I mean really?

    • OMG! I’m brand new to this blog and I personally am on Day 218. I’ve always been a wine drinker and an “excuser” – can’t have it tonight b/c I’m doing X tomorrow, etc. I am SO RELIEVED to be reading all of this and these comments. It’s great to know there are other women out there who have experienced the same. Oh, by the way, Belle…I see that you have stuff sent c/o Bangor, ME? I live in South Portland. Maine native. 🙂 Love your blog! Just started reading it, but am loving it. Thank you for this…you’re helping more people than you probably realize.