last night I had flashes of “I’d like a drink to take the edge off” or i was remembering how i routinely would say to my husband: “when you’re out, can you pick up some wine?” I wasn’t really craving last night, it was more like a habit, an automatic response.
maybe it’s the time of day, 7:30 pm, we hadn’t eaten dinner yet. and I imagined an evening WITH wine through rose-colored glasses. Candles, dinner with my husband, we laugh at the table, a few glasses of wine.
And yet, here’s what really would have happened: we’d eat in the office in front of the computer, watching “X-Country Has Talent,” and i’d have 3 glasses of wine + a shot of grande marnier. Then, inevitably, I’d get really sensitive and nothing husband would say would be right, and we’d go to bed (late) on opposite sides of the king sized bed. I’d toss and turn all night, hot, nauseous, wake too early, drag myself out of bed to work. all day i’d feel like I was pushing a truck uphill, and it’s threatening to roll back down on me.
now when I write it out like that, i have to tell you that the night with wine still seems like a pretty good trade off. and it would be, if it was now and then. but 7 out of 7 nights a week? not so much.
i’ve tried restricting my alcohol intake before, doing something more ‘moderate.’
and how do I feel when I alternate days… drink one, rest one?
Truthfully, I feel completely irritated the entire day off, and then I usually just give up at about 8 pm and go and get some wine. then we finish that bottle and whatever else we can scrounge up. then i plan to quit drinking for 30 days (again), but there’s some event coming up (no matter how big or small) and I have to wait till that event is over until I can go dry again. So then another three weeks might pass, or 8 or 10 weeks. with wine 7 nights out of 7, 3-4 glasses a night every night.
so now today is Day 11 for me, and i have to say that this is EASIER. who wants all that angst, all that thinking, all that managing, all that trying-to-control shit.
this way, i only have to have one thought: I’m not drinking today. that’s all i have to do today. I don’t have to manage the liquor supply, i don’t have to get bitchy with my husband, i don’t have to feel tired all day. I don’t have to drink the special cooking wine that i needed for a special cake and then run around frantically, standing in line at the specialty wine store, trying to replace it.
for today, this is easier. i’m tired of thinking about drinking. and so today, i’m going to think about decluttering my office instead 🙂