miserably giving up drinking

I’ve never been a fall-down drunk. I’ve only been completely hammered twice in my life. I’ve never been sick from drinking. and i was very proud of this. I’ve been a good girl, a high functioning girl. I never drink too much… maybe 3 glasses of wine in an evening, perhaps 4. I never finish a bottle myself. On vacation, i might have beer with lunch, 2 pints. then have a nap. then get up and have dinner and share a bottle of wine with my husband. then have a nightcap (cointreau, grand marnier).

I never wanted to be hammered, i just wanted a buzz, to relax.

the problem is that most normal working days, i wake up feeling like a bag of shit. I go for a run, have a healthy lunch, drink tea all afternoon. Then at 6 pm i start with the wine again. never more than 3 glasses. never more than 4 glasses.  or a beer + 3 + nightcap. Every single night, night after night. On weekends and on vacation i just start earlier in the day.

i never want one glass of wine.  i want three and a shot of cointreau.

i have about 15 pounds to lose, i have some vacation debt to pay down and drinking doesn’t help achieve either.

i am cranky with my husband when i’ve had even one drink. I’m more likely to cry, get into an argument, and go to bed unhappy on evenings that include wine.

and most of all, i hate that i can’t keep a promise to myself to reduce, skip days, and have only one glass.

oh red wine, you call to me. i see you in the store window. i see other people drinking you on the restaurant patios in the sun.

oh red wine. you fucker. as soon as the bottle is opened you start calling to me. “drink me. drink me now. make sure you get more than you give your husband, make sure you top up your glass first before his, make sure you send him out to buy more before the store closes.”



I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

  • Nora
    1 bottle , then 2 and more if I can get it – my poor Husband is exhausted – I gave up for a year in 2019 , last year was awful . I need so badly to get a grip , to find support and resources and break free from this addictive compulsion and the anger , I am 53 and worry that the wine has got the better of me now…..

  • Day 18. Read that and it resonates with me 100% …
    But I’m feeling regret over shed loads of time wasted , missed opportunities, terrible decisions (esp to with men..urgh) but as you say dear Belle, that’s normal when we’re nearer to Day 1. Being ready to “grow up” and discovering Belle collide…HURRAY!

  • I find it amusing ( only because I relate) how your description of how much you drank changes as you write … goes from 3 wines to maybe 4 or maybe a nightcap on top …. it’s the exact way I used to justify how much I drank to myself ALL the time… like “I’m not that bad… I don’t do this or this or this..,,”

  • I so relate to the “I never really got totally hammered”…that was never something I wanted,,..just a gradual slide into sleep…
    And a slow numbing out of the day.
    And the attempts at not having “too much” in case I can’t get up for work the next day…and to feel the constant depression.
    There was no sense of me owning the word “alcoholic “…I never drank in the morning….didn’t ever keep drinking ….I wasn’t completely out of control…..
    Maybe I could carry on for a while longer…..
    All irrelevant really….
    I suppose I was unaware of how much brain space it took up until I gave it up….I certainly don’t miss…. thinking how I can buy enough…. where can I get it from …. what excuse can I make to go to the shop….where can I hide it …or what drink shall I be open about having…where shall I hide the rest…
    How can I make it last all night without having too much
    Those kinds of thought processes I don’t miss.
    And I have more money …..turns out alcohol is very expensive to consume every night!
    And I don’t miss the constant decision “not to drink anymore” only to find by about 3pm I’d be craving again and found it impossible to resist….

  • Oh red wine. You fucker. I am relating to this sooo much on my day 7. I just made it through a birthday party where I normally would have sat with the “women and wine”, and instead focused on my family, and well … ate an obnoxious amount of cake. But I’m feeling pretty focused and motivated, and can’t wait to continue reading.

  • This is how I drink. And why I keep telling myself there’s no need to give it up for ev er. I’m going to keep going for 100 days and see if I still think that. Today is Day 9 and so far it’s been relatively easy. But then, I don’t have a husband sipping beers next to me at lunch.

    • I keep telling myself there’s no reason to give it up for ever too. Like you, I guess I’ll see how I feel at Day 100. I’m on Day 8 today and it hasn’t been nearly as hard as I thought it would be either. I keep waiting for “the other shoe to drop.”

  • Hi, I’m new and today is day two for me. I switched from red to white wine, then white wine (Riesling extra points for a lower alcohol content). Wine has been a big part of my life and both my mother and sister and I are wine drinkers. My husband was and we actually have a wine cellar full of red wine which I won’t drink. This must mean I don’t really have a problem, then, right? Ha ha. I know that’s not true. I’ve signed up before but never commented. Thanks for being here the idea of not being alone is sinking in and I feel able now. Well, wish me well and I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks for being here.

  • Wow. I can really relate to this post. Sounds just like me. I am so glad I read this, and so happy I found you!

  • For me, this is Day 1. Something about this entry spoke to me. I think it was the comment about not being a “fall-down drunk”. Because, well. I can definitely put beer away. A lot of fucking beer. I weigh 125 lbs, and I just turned 28, but I could drink a man under the table. Seriously, I think on my worst day I had 18 beers! Even my father (a recovered alcoholic/ex-menace to society) commented that “you are a tiny thing — but you drink like a man!”. That is totally not sexy. The worst part is, when I drink I often have blackouts, where I can’t remember things I said or did the night before. That is the most terrible feeling I know.

    What’s more, I seem to have everything going for me…I’m a grad student working on my own research, almost done with my thesis…applying to PhD programs…I’m likable and motivated, and yet I seem to go for days without drinking, and then I completely fall off the wagon when something gets me emotional.

    Anyway, I’m serious about my decision to get and stay sober. I have too many positive things in my life to self-sabotage.

    Thanks for listening, and I’m happy you’re out there, Belle.


  • Rebecca, it’s so weird/awful for me to read what i wrote when i was 8 days sober from the vantage point i have now. i can’t believe how badly i treated my husband (and myself). i guess it’s good i have a record. so that i don’t ever forget and think that drinking again would be a good idea. it wouldn’t!

  • That’s funny. Red and white wine are both fuckers to me. Calling at me from the shelves. Instead of a door sign staying “OPEN” the liquor store says, “Jackie, we are OPEN for you!” Excuse me but I’m only on day 4 again, I’m afraid to leave my house because I might stop there.

    • Jackie, hiding out at home is just what i did at the start, too … i was good with my tea, my bath, and my bed… only bit by bit did i get braver. Do what you need to do now, it’s only temporary : )

      • Oh dear…I haven’t much courage right now. I am actually terrified just to send a post – my first! Seems my drinking has won and I need to eliminate it. I am terribly afraid, especially with the holidays looming ahead. I don’t want to go anywhere, see, or talk to anyone. I especially don’t want to host and yet I have to. I’m the woman of the house. I relate to every bit of this, I drink more than my husband, I drink to black-outs. In fact, I don’t even remember last night and my husband said I was crying and swearing about something on the floor. How humiliating and awful is that? I too just want to hide out. It is comforting to think that I have permission to do what I need to to help me. It just all seems too big for me. I am just spending the last few days on the internet reading, looking for help. Thank you Belle for sending me your blogs.

  • Wine is my poison of choice too. I am trying to brainwash myself out of the “allure” by thinking of it as the Toxic By-product of Rotting Fruit. It helps a bit.

  • Yes, wine calls to me. it has my number. it knows my name. it says “drink me. drink me now. don’t leave an open bottle on the counter. drink from your husband’s glass before you pass it to him…” argh, it’s grim to admit that…

  • I find that wine has a certain allure to it, bringing to mine sunny days in Italy or France, drinking with the girls, being ‘grown up’…while beer has completely different associations. At least to me.

    Every time I’ve tried to quit in the past, it was the allure of wine that got to me. Not this time.