I loved him for the first hour [Julie-Joy’s Dad Part 3]

from me:

i received a long email from Julie-Joy’s Dad about his new sober life. it’s so fascinating that i want to share it all with you, but it’s long (i said that already) and so i’m going to split it into 3 parts. Part 1 was previously posted here, and Part 2 was posted here.

===

[May 2016]
email from Julie-Joy’s Dad (day 822): “Hi Belle, I wanted some insight with my drinking problem, which I thought really wasn’t that bad. So I sent my “girls” (girls includes my wife) an email and asked them to tell me about the before and after. I was surprised. Actually I was a little shocked! You will like the response from my wife. Enjoy.  This is my original email:  I need your help! I like to read the blogs of “Belle’s” website and I find them encouraging and in some cases sad. I am looking at my own journey and how content and happy I am right now and I would like to add a perspective to the blog (or whatever) from my family. Could you write a paragraph or two about the DAD (& husband) before the 100 day sober challenge, and the DAD after taking the challenge? Thanks and I love you. DAD (and your Mom’s hubby).”

Julie-Joy:

“Well, my dad before the challenge was interesting. Growing up I never remember my parents drinking at all. Either my dad was good at hiding it or I just never noticed … I almost feel like it is my fault my family started drinking at all. In 2006 I went through a divorce at a very young age, and the whole experience was super heart breaking.  But I went back to school and started serving at a restaurant and kind of got introduced to the whole drinking world.  I feel like I opened the alcohol door for my family.  But I know this isn’t entirely true at all, but I felt at that time we all started drinking pretty regularly. I didn’t really notice my dad’s drinking increasing all that much until about 5 years ago, I think. I loved my dad for the first like hour of his drinking. He loved chatting and playing music … he was so fun for about an hour or so.  But then, of course, you start chasing that initial buzz, drink too much.  Then he would get extremely hungry and very impatient. Honestly, he turned into a grumpy, impatient, selfish, asshole. My poor mother took the brunt of having to deal with him like this. Then he would eat, sit in front of the TV, and pass out. Not very fun at all.

One time when I was home visiting my dad had a bottle of alcohol in the freezer, so I knew how much he had of it, but he seemed WAY more drunk than that amount would allow, so I went into the garage and looked in this metal garbage can in the garage, and there were papers on top, but underneath were 6 empty bottles of hard alcohol in there. So that is where his refills were coming from …

Since my dad started the first 100 day challenge, he has never drank again.  And he is so different in that his true self has come out. My dad at the core is motivated, successful, out-going, determined, an athlete, and all these things got masked by his alcohol … Also, his editors in his brain are back on, so even though my dad still deals with anger and what have you, he now has reigns on it.  And thinks before he speaks.  I can see him processing and making different choices and he is able to do that because the alcohol hasn’t switched off his inhibitions.

My dad is now an athlete. He walks at least a marathon a week (26.2 miles) and trust me, he would be running those miles if it weren’t for a hip replacement he had years ago. He is in better shape than I am and I am 30 years younger than him. He has lost so much weight and looks so handsome! He is more self-confident. His business is going WAY better. He is more loving to my mom and kinder to her and appreciates her and shows her this. He helps her and loves on her. He communicates with us girls (his daughters) every day to tell us what day he is on.  He is more gracious, more kind, more content.  He is just plain flat out, happier! I feel like he is just more HIMSELF!  And when my dad is HIMSELF, he is like the sun that shines on everyone. I love him sooooooooo freaking much!!!!! I am so happy he does not drink anymore so that we can have the real him.”

[end part 3 of 3]

omm268.wrong.place

In this audio, I call bullshit on a bunch of excuses. I can’t be sober in this way, my support must look like ‘this’, I can’t practise my skating routine on the path at the park. All not true.

[be sure to scroll down for photos]

  • Get these audios on iTunes (apple podcast) > link

 

Transcript.

OK, I get this kind of thing in my Inbox all the time. This will sound familiar to you:

“Dear Belle, I wish there was an AA meeting close to me that had people that were my age. I wish I could go to an AA meeting where there were hot men. I wish there was an AA meeting where they were 35-41 years old. I wish I could find a place to practice my skating routine, but I can only do it at the rink.”

What do you hear there when I say that? You hear wolfie, right?

“I can’t get it that way. Those people can’t help me. This is the wrong place. This is the wrong time. I can’t start until everything lines up. I can’t do it this way.”

You have a voice in your head that wants you to keep drinking, so it will manufacture reasons why the support is wrong for you. “I can’t have a phone call with a sober coach because of 1300 imaginary reasons. I can’t practice my skating routine unless I’m at the rink.”

You’ve thought that. Perfectionism.

“If I can’t get it to all line up then I don’t want to do it.”

And I want you to know that today when I was at the duck pond, when I was doing my run, I saw a woman practicing her skating routine on the pathway. She wasn’t in the water, she was on the track where I was running around the pond, she was off to one side doing her skating routine.

And I looked at her and I thought: Fuck, that’s genius. You don’t wait for winter. You don’t wait for ice. You can practise it right here. Of course you can. Stop with all of this, ‘It’s not lined up properly’. Stop with all of this, “I need the right room at the right time with the right person’. It’s all bullshit.

Your brain is manufacturing reasons why this won’t work for you.

It’s all not true.

I took a picture of the woman with the skating thing [below] …

And I thought, if that’s not a sober metaphor I don’t know what is. And then this morning, I get an email that says: “I really wish I could find an AA meeting where people were 26-31 or 35-42.”

No.

I call bullshit.

I call bullshit.

And you can stop that shit right now.

 

pass out in your chair [Julie-Joy’s Dad Part 2]

from me:

i received a long email from Julie-Joy’s Dad about his new sober life. it’s so fascinating that i want to share it all with you, but it’s long (i said that already) and so i’m going to split it into parts. Part 1 was previously posted here.

===

[May 2016]
email from Julie-Joy’s Dad (day 822): “Hi Belle, I wanted some insight with my drinking problem, which I thought really wasn’t that bad. So I sent my “girls” (girls includes my wife) an email and asked them to tell me about the before and after. I was surprised. Actually I was a little shocked! You will like the response from my wife. Enjoy.  This is my original email:  I need your help! I like to read the blogs of “Belle’s” website and I find them encouraging and in some cases sad. I am looking at my own journey and how content and happy I am right now and I would like to add a perspective to the blog (or whatever) from my family. Could you write a paragraph or two about the DAD (& husband) before the 100 day sober challenge, and the DAD after taking the challenge? Thanks and I love you. DAD (and your Mom’s hubby).”

Julie-Joy’s sister (Krista, day 459):

I never realized it until you were into your 100 day journey, that the time I spent at your house was less and less. I think subconsciously it was because of your drinking. Most of the time you would be drinking, get grumpy, eat and then pass out in your chair. You didn’t want to give us (the boys and myself) kisses goodbye and I think it’s because you didn’t want me to smell the booze on your breath. There were times I needed rescuing (like when I ran out of gas) or others situations that I cannot remember and you could not help because you knew you could not and should not drive.

But fast forward into your 100 day journey. We (the boys and myself) are at your house all the time. You are active and successful. You were already a positive person but you it shows through so much more now that you are not drinking. I know that I can call you any time and you are able and capable of helping me out — unless you are on one of your 8 mile walks. 😉 You hug and kiss us goodbye all the time!

You have inspired me! And although my own choice to not drink is one I chose for myself, you were definitely part of the process. Love you dad!

From JJ’s Dad: Belle, my youngest daughter, Renee didn’t write anything, but just called me and told me that she didn’t see me when I was drinking. Which is true. I didn’t get to see her very much and since she has moved with her husband … all she knows is that I am really happy and full of love. She told me that she loved me so much and started to cry. So, I gave her a pass. Her hands are full right now. Her mother-in-law has been diagnosed with cancer and they have given her 2 months to live. Renee is a mother of 2 young children: a 2½ and 1 year old. Renee is the spiritual one and such a wonderful woman.

[end part 2]

tuesday update: the future of the One Minute Messages

Here’s the link to today’s Tuesday Update message. This is omm260, and it’s a recap of the distribution of these one minute messages, how to send them out the best way.

To hear this tuesday message, play below. nothing to download. just press play.

 

 

links mentioned in the audio:

  • Gumroad: Sign up for these one minute messages on Gumroad to get access to ALL 200+ episodes & the occasional video from paris. there’s a video about a poop truck:  https://gum.co/belle-omm/itunes
  • iTunes (apple podcast) > link
  • Get the daily email messages > link
  • Longer podcast subscription > link

 

And here’s the photo of my lunch, funded by the tiny gift fund.

broken mirror, bent golf club, two bullet holes [Julie-Joy’s Dad Part 1]

from me:

i received a long email from Julie-Joy’s Dad about his new sober life. it’s so fascinating that i want to share it all with you, but it’s long (i said that already) and so i’m going to split it into parts. Here’s Part 1:

===

[May 2016]
email from Julie-Joy’s Dad (day 822): “Hi Belle, I wanted some insight with my drinking problem, which I thought really wasn’t that bad. So I sent my “girls” (girls includes my wife) an email and asked them to tell me about the before and after. I was surprised. Actually I was a little shocked! You will like the response from my wife. Enjoy.  This is my original email:  I need your help! I like to read the blogs of “Belle’s” website and I find them encouraging and in some cases sad. I am looking at my own journey and how content and happy I am right now and I would like to add a perspective to the blog (or whatever) from my family. Could you write a paragraph or two about the DAD (& husband) before the 100 day sober challenge, and the DAD after taking the challenge? Thanks and I love you. DAD (and your Mom’s hubby).”

1. Response From My Wife

I really think you were on a course of self-destruction that was going to end tragically … There were a couple of times that I was probably more frightened, and mad, than I’d ever been in my life. There was one night that I was so concerned about you that I left work in the middle of the night to come home and check on you. I had talked with you on the phone and you weren’t making much sense. By the time I got home you were in bed asleep.

There was also an instance with a patient in the ER one night that I thought to myself, “this could be Jeff.” He had a seizure related to alcohol withdrawal. He was right around the same age as you and a daily drinker. Not a homeless alcoholic guy off the streets, just your average every-day worker, wife at bedside. He was obviously altered, couldn’t talk or make any sense, going to be admitted to ICU (withdrawal can kill), didn’t know if he was going to make it and if he did, what would his quality of life be like. That really frightened me. I remember talking to you about it and you blew it off. At least that was my perception.

Then Julie-Joy came along with an initial 30 day sober challenge, I thought to myself “he’ll do it for Julie, she always had a way with her dad.”

Let me back up a bit and give you my example of “frightening moments”: broken mirror (floor length), bent golf club, and also two bullet holes in our house and you not remembering what happened! My heart is racing right now just recounting this…

There was also the way you tried to hide how much you were drinking. I felt God was whispering in my ear: “look here, look there,” and sure enough there’d be a bottle. … Belle entered our lives through Julie. I cannot begin to thank you enough for your gift of reaching people, Belle. It was the absolute perfect time. Jeff took on the challenge in the typical fashion “all-in”! He did 30 days, and then 60 days, and then 100 days. He is now at 822 days and counting. He is amazing and a joy to be around. He’s “fired-up” on a daily basis, and is hard to keep up with. Oh yeah, did I mention I’m much younger than him, six years? A bit of a private joke 🙂 I’m so thankful he’s alive (I don’t think he would’ve at the rate he was going). I get to enjoy his company for the rest of our years together (38 years and counting).

I love you Jeff and I love that you took on this challenge with gust! You have been a huge inspiration not only to me, but your daughters and those around you, and those you don’t even know you. I’ve shared with friends, patients and acquaintances about the change in you, the website, and the person that Belle is and has been to our family. Thank you Belle for bringing this inspiration to us. Thank you for your own 30, 60, 100+ day challenge and inspiring others to “stop thinking about drinking.” You have a gift, thanks for sharing with others and this family in particular. You’re a life saver.

[end part 1]

never mind. look away. eyes on your own paper.

from me:

this sober girl got up at 6:15 and wrote some on the new sober fiction writing project. it’s day 6 of 100 days in a row. remember when i said it was 100 days until christmas? yeah, that.

there are so many ways that writing is like being sober.

you show up and you don’t know what to expect. you’ve heard other people’s stories but you don’t know if they will apply to you. you are sure you’re a special snowflake and that “what works for others won’t work for you.” You get advice from people who don’t get it. You get cheerleading in unusual places.

In my case, i writing to be so close to early sobriety that some days, it’s all i can do to just keep going. i’m on day 6. don’t want to break the streak. don’t want to have to start over.

if you’re like me, you do better with accountability and support. and when i say “if you’re like me” and you think you aren’t, you probably are. You do better with support. You do better when someone you respect, who loves you, who has your best interests at heart says something encouraging. Imagine the storybook version of a grandmother. that kind of support. (if you have a grandmother like mine, whenever i’d complain about a perceived slight or a sister squabble, she’d say “Never Mind,” as if to say: look away. eyes on your own paper. keep your eyes on the road. don’t let your sober car run out of gas.)

and like writing, it’s not enough to feel like you have the ABILITY to do it, you also need the right combination of motivation and spark and timing and momentum. And when you get momentum? well i’m not dumb, i know that momentum is hard to get, and even 6 days is hard to get, so i’m keeping going.

i also set up some external accountability by posting the book, in order, a bit at a time, as it’s written. It’s officially called ‘serializing’ your book, when you print it bit by bit. And if the experiment of posting day by day continues to work well, i’ll share it here too. for now i’m being a bit careful of who/how i share (sounds like sobriety?).

mood-wise i’m doing ok this week. I mean, i’m as sloth-y as ever. I’d LIKE to: clean the house, run a 10K, get my eyebrows done, empty the freezer, read a book about Hope, make 4 new recipes, and go to IKEA.

instead of that list of things i’d LIKE to do, instead i’m doing this: emailing sober penpals, hosting a class about worth (which is turning out to be super fascinating, as we discuss in more depth how the “THING is not in the THING”), writing every day, and going to physio twice a week for a sore shoulder (just tendonitis, nothing exciting). that’s it. i’m not cooking meals, i’m not running much (more walking), i’m not making new recipes. in fact, if you must know, i had canned beans for lunch today (3:02 pm) for the first time in 8 years and they were delish. that’s it.

and like when we make any large changes (writing fiction – which really is just like being sober – it’s creating a new something where there was nothing before), i’m being kind to myself to remember that 6 days is a big deal. that writing daily and doing the rest of my life is enough for now. and any ideas of nice eyebrows will have to wait. the freezer will wait. the new recipes can wait. IKEA will still be there on the weekend.

striving for underwhelm so that the magnitude of what i’m doing doesn’t make my head fly off.

 

cold, rainy, and the soup apparently will not cook itself.

from me:

this sober girl slept in this morning, it’s cold and rainy. I had a large pot of decaf. I am wearing orange Ernie socks, plaid pyjama bottoms, a Roots t-shirt, a zip up jacket. It’s colder than it should be.

I open my inbox and it looks like this: celebration of 100 days, relapse on day 49, reset after 3 years of drinking, frustration with repeated resets. (at this point i pause and finds an audio to send to the frustrated girl, an audio recorded for a different frustrated girl, but applies to this one, too, so resending.)

there are sweet and kind emails in response to yesterday’s micro-email (“yes, i feel like that too”) and there are questioning emails (“did you write that nice thing about yourself and pass it off as having been written by a penpal”) and other questioning emails (“i question your qualifications to teach a ‘worth’ class”).

I edit a podcast interview recorded a month ago, and then email the interviewee (again) to ask if she’d like me to NOT share the recording. i’ve offered before, i offer again. for reasons.

my husband comes home for lunch at noon (it’s 1:20 pm now). i suggest not terribly kindly that he shift his work project from one thing to another, and he declines, and then i feel trapped and i stop talking.

i have a new catering order for later this week which is exciting, although the one where i made the 10 cheesecakes was cancelled. so i have food in my freezer (that’ll teach me to do too much in advance!).

so really, it’s a regular day.

up and down moments. problem solving, linking, writing. working on the fiction project (can you tell how well it’s going? i’m here doing this instead).

i have someone who signed up for the jumpstart class but hasn’t downloaded the audios yet, and is having trouble getting going. i have someone who is celebrating day 156 and has been lurking the whole time.

i have 10 small cheesecakes in the freezer. no that’s true. there are 9. but i wrote 10 before and so i’m continuing with that.

and just like anyone else in the universe, i have emails that lift and some that flatten. i have moments of “oh brother” and moments of perfect alignment.

but really. i’m a girl in her pyjamas (now it’s 1:28 pm). i haven’t had lunch. my husband thinks i’m a turd (to be fair, i didn’t warm him up to my ideas, i just blurted them and he declined), and i fear that i am not going outside today because it is 16C (61F) and pouring rain.

i could make soup with the nice italian pasta that M. brought me when she went home to see her parents, but that seems unlikely. uncooked pasta from ‘rome’ is the same as any other kind of uncooked pasta. it’s the kind that isn’t in my soup. it’s not exotic. it’s uncooked pasta. that is not feeding me at this exact second.

ok fine. i’ll make the fucking soup. fine. FINE.

things i learned yesterday: not everyone loves me every day of the week. no shit. and yes, i am OK with that. i am initially flattened and then i reinflate. i think the reinflating part is the key. and how long it is between flat and reinflated. yesterday I learned that making cheesecake in advance is probably not a good idea unless you want to eat them all. I learned that my idea of writing fiction is VASTLY different from the actual writing of it.

do not say “tomorrow will be a better day.”

instead, you can say: “i have shit days too. one shit day. who cares. make the most of it. order a burger from the food delivery and be done with it. go back to bed.” or you can say “the fiction is probably better than you think it is.” or you can say “i’m one of the lurkers who never speaks up but here’s what i think…”

 

regular. normal. predictable. 

omm256.monday.regular.normal.predictable

I have a new Monday update message ready for you. This is omm256. This message summarizes what’s coming up this week including the photography project.

To hear this Monday message, play below. nothing to download. just press play.

 

 

 

 

links mentioned in the audio:

and in case you hate listening to audios, here’s the transcript:

This is a slightly longer One Minute Message because it’s Monday and I want to give you a little overview of what this week might look like.

I have been away for the weekend and so I am coming back to a full Inbox of which I have done about 2/3rds today. So, if you’re waiting on an email from me, you may have already heard from me today, you may hear from me tomorrow. We did have crappy weather, thank you for asking. It rained all one day and then the second day it was grey but didn’t pour rain so we could do a lot of walking and not that you care, but thank you for your well wishes.

We did also spend a fair amount of time, as I’m sure you did, following what was happening with the hurricane in Florida. I’ve been getting email updates from my pen pals yesterday and today, letting me know that they’re safe. And so, if you fall into that category, you can also send me an email and let me know that you are well and that your parents got moved and that your dog got moved and that all of the other variables that needed to happen did happen.

If you’re also like me, you probably reached a point where you couldn’t watch the coverage anymore because it was making you feel wound up or that there was a sense of something catastrophic that then, thankfully, eased up in terms of the predictions and then there was this gigantic sigh of relief I’m sure for everybody, not just for me following this.

But, we’ll use this as a preface then to say that this week you will be extra specially kind to yourself because these sorts of things going on in the world, whether you live in Florida or not, there are things that are stressful and have every potential capacity to wind you up. You will watch how much TV you watch. You will read rather than watch videos because they’ll wind you up more. You will turn off the television. You will turn away from things that make you feel wacky. And you will drop your shoulders and breathe a bit and relax a bit and remember to be kinder to yourself, no matter where you are in the world, no matter what’s happening around you. (You could listen to this message any day and it would be the same thing. I might say it every Monday. Should I say it? Every Monday, I’ll turn on the microphone and I’ll say, ‘Please be nice to you today. OK. Goodbye.’)

Coming up this week, there will be 2 new One Minutes Messages in addition to this one, so a total of 3 out of 5 days. There will be at least one new email every day, sometimes two. The new class that I am starting for people who are 200+ days sober about worth has started its registration today. The class begins next Monday. Topics include: different ways that we determine worth, messages that we get from family, how do we construct our own ideas of worth and going forward how do we protect our ideas, how do we make these ideas concrete in our own heads. So, if you’re interested in that, you go to: http://www.soberlinks.me/worth and you can have a look at that for anybody who is 200 days or more.

Otherwise, this week is a relatively regular week I think. You’ll notice that everything that I do seems relatively predictable. Maybe that’s a good thing. I mean launching a new class is not really predictable, but One Minute Messages, you’ll hear my voice as many times as you want to this week. I’ll be sending out 2 podcasts as well to podcast members. So if you want to hear longer things, you want to hear my voice more often, you can do that.

You can read the blog. That’s always free. You can read it online. Oh, and I put up a link to a new photography project, which is a free, fun thing that we do where everybody sends in a photo on a certain theme and then we just post them. It’s not a contest. A contest would imply that there’s a winner. It’s a project. It’s an opportunity to look at our world differently with new eyes. I think I posted it on Friday of last week. You have a 10 day deadline to submit your photo. Anybody can submit a photo. You don’t have to be photographer. You don’t have to be especially talented. It’s more just a … it’s more just a project. It’s not, like I said, it’s not a competition and if you procrastinate too long and you think, ‘oh, I  need to wait for the perfect timing’, it won’t happen. So just look at the assignment and go do it and then you’re done. And you’ll see that it’s funner than you think it is. Especially if you don’t fret too much about it.

OK, well that’s it. Anything else you’d like? Any suggestions for what you might like this week? I think the first 3 suggestions I get, I will seriously consider. Send me an email. Talk to you soon. OK, good byyyyeeeee!  Happy Monday