The Parts That Work

I caught myself in a self-sabotage this morning.

Over the past few days I have lucked into a routine that working. As a girl who requires a lot of sleep (!), and being someone who routinely finds herself trying to function on not enough sleep, I read something this weekend and it spurred me to really take some action. Like for real.

So starting on Sunday night (and again on Monday and Tuesday), I did the following:

  • Turn off computer at 9 pm.
  • Go for a walk outside in the fresh air somewhere I’ve been before so that it’s pretty routine. No ipod, no music, no phone. Just head out in one direction for 15 minutes and then turn and come home. Use this time to think about the day. The Parts That Worked and the Parts That Could Be Fine-Tuned.
  • Come home and go straight to bed at 9:30 pm. Don’t stop to do anything.
  • Get into bed, no book. I have turned on the pink fairy lights in the bedroom before I left for my walk.
  • Now that I’m in bed with the pink lights, no book, I can just rest. Looking around.
  • Asleep by 10 pm. I then sleep for (no kidding) 9 or 9.5 hours straight.
  • Get up whenever I wake, which today was 7 a.m.
  • No computer. Run first thing (even if only for 10 minutes which is my magic amount to feel better).
  • Home to shower, make coffee, eat breakfast, write 2 pages of morning pages.
  • No TV while eating lunch (I’ve been reading instead).
  • No sweets during the day (lots of apples and raisins), saving dessert for after dinner. I had gotten into the habit of having dessert with lunch and dinner (!)
  • Turn off computer at 9 pm.
  • Repeat 🙂

This particular routine has given me the best, even moods since … forever. This isn’t a magic cure-all formula, but it’s working really well for me. At least this week. I’m also symptom-free on new medication but only for the past 3 days. Coincidence? How much of my general well-being is linked to self-care? Probably a lot more than I’m willing to admit. How important is enough sleep so that I feel competent the next day? Huge.

So here’s the self-sabotage. You do this too, right?

Remember, I’ve found something that’s really working for me (like in early sobriety, reading lots of blogs, emailing penpals, removing ourselves from temptation, going to meetings, whatever).

But because Mr. B. was up with me at 7 a.m. this morning, he made coffee.

I usually make coffee after I run, after I shower.

But once he had made the coffee already, my brain went like this:

Oh look there’s coffee, I can just skip my routine today. I don’t have to do this whole thing today. I can have sugar for breakfast – how about banana bread and coffee right now? And some coffee right now. Just skip the run. Skip the sugar before dinner thing. Yeah that sounds amazing. I’m sure it’ll be fine.

And RIGHT when i started to think like this, i thought holy this is just like early sobriety. We get a mini-routine going, we figure out what is working. And instead of doing more of the same, we often immediately start to pitch the parts that are working.

In favour of what? In favour of the unknown?

Sure a bit of adventure is fun. Change things up a bit.

But if the goal on my nightly walk was to review the Parts That Work and fine-tune the other parts, nowhere in there would it make logical sense to toss the parts that work.

You’re newly sober for 10 days. You think “I’m good. I don’t have to follow this so carefully. It’s been really easy for me. (Or the hard part is over already.) Maybe today I’ll go have lunch in a bar and order water.”

So that’s when it hits me. Just because we know what will make us feel better (my sleep routine / implementing sober tools) doesn’t mean we actually do them. We fuck ourselves up all the time.  All. The. Time.

Did I have to drink coffee because it was there? No.

Do you have to meet your girlfriends for drinks on a Friday night at 9 pm in a club? No, you don’t. Can you maybe get by and survive? Sure. Maybe you can.

But why fuck with something that’s already working.

Being happily sober is kind of a fragile thing in the beginning. Sort of like being happily symptom-free and sleeping well is for me right now.

Did I drink the coffee?

Nope 🙂 I went for my run. Came home and showered. Did my morning pages. Had coffee after. No banana bread. yet.

am i a moralizing preaching wannabe? maybe. but i’m writing to myself. and my message to me is “for fuck’s sake, stop fucking with things that are already working ‘just to see what happens’ … there’s no great benefit in finding where the edge of the cliff is. Lest you fall off.”

~

~ Happy Day 50 to Vero!

~ Happy Day 180 to Quinn!

i’ve drawn all of my 8 tentacles back into myself

i have some typical characteristics of over drinkers. I’m sensitive — to people, to emotions, to noise, to stuff. I’m an over-thinker. I’m sucky at self-care. I crave treats. I’m not unfamiliar with chaos.

All of these things become really evident once I’m alone. I was crying when Mr. B left this morning, and then minutes after the door closed, I was in bed under the covers, reading my book. I went for a run, bought treats, and settled into a really nice and easy day. I watched a hockey game, ate, rested, watched half of a movie, some cooking shows, enjoyed the sunshine, and generally i’ve felt at ease.

It’s like i’ve drawn all of my 8 tentacles back into myself.

source

and now i’m just doing what I want, when I want to.

When Mr. B. is here, which is always, i’m sensitive to what he’s doing. I hear him. I pay attention to him. I realize that we’re both online too much. I plan whether to eat now or later based on what he’s doing. I know it’s time for bed and he wants to stay up longer… or he wants to go to bed earlier.  then once we’re in bed, I hear him sleeping (!).

now that he’s gone, it’s like i’m not responsible to or for anyone. for anything. to be clear, mr. b makes no demands on me. it’s not that he likes dinner at 7 pm or anything like that. in fact, he’s just the opposite. and i feel like i wait for him to give me signs. eat now or later? he’s actually fine with both. it’s me who does all the dancing around him.

right before he left this morning, i told him that the last time we’d spent any time apart, i was still drinking, and i used to plan to fill my evenings with wine. Now, in the absence of wine, i was going to — instead — push the reset button and see if i can just focus on doing what i want. can i really feel myself on the inside, just take care of me. can i just focus on me, and not worry about him.

i told him i was going to spend the next 9 days alone EITHER working or cleaning or reading or doing nothing.

I’m going to see if i can actually find out what i FEEL like doing. can i be still long enough for the next right action to present itself. apparently i felt like writing this 🙂 now i feel like a bath. it’s 8:23 pm local time. I feel like watching Remains of the Day and then going to bed. I feel like sleeping 10 hrs. I feel like mr. b’s flight should land just as i go to bed, and then i can turn off the phone and just sleep …

there’s a co-dependent, critical, enmeshed word for people like me. It’s really easy to be critical. Today I call it being honest.

source

~

Happy Day 50 to Toni

Happy Day 50 to Jill

Happy Day 50 to Robin

Happy Day 50 to CindyW

Happy Day 50 to NRT

Happy Day 50 to Teri

Happy Day 50 to Shamrockleah

Happy Day 50 to Phoebe

Happy Day 50 to Mark Twain

Happy Day 50 to Graceful

Happy Day 50 to Santa Cruz

Happy Day 50 to Claire

Happy Day 50 to Bonnie

Happy Day 50 to Doll Face!

Happy Day 50 to Irish eileen

Happy Day 50 to S

Happy Day 50 to Carolyn V

Happy Day 50 to Wilky

Happy Day 50 to confusedliberal

Happy Day 60 to Missmeliss

Happy Day 100 to Mack!

Happy Day 100 to Josh

Happy Day 100 to TheFun4

Happy Day 100 to Laurel

Happy Day 100 to Helen

Happy Day 100 to Hazeleyes

Happy Day 100 to Tim

Happy Day 180 to Nic

Happy Day 180 to Jules

Happy Day 180 DianeLouise

Happy Day 200 to Victoria

Happy Day 300 to KT

sobriety is like a cheap meat pie …

from me:

here’s what i know about me. escaping to bed is my number one go-to strategy. warm bed, clean sheets, under the covers. 8:45 pm is not too early. i need more than toast for breakfast. I feel better when i run. I like having a clean desk. and i write the same fucking lists over and over and seem to (not very adequately) be able to get my shit together. sleep. run. eat. clean and tidy. repeat. repeat. I’m heading into an overnight shift of baking on wednesday night which isn’t ideal for the sleep category. i think i’m worrying in advance. ha. i amuse myself. stay here, I say. have a shower, shave your legs, put on baby powder, let your hair dry, put on striped socks, stay here. baking is later. you’re here now. do this now. do this thing here. little chick. pat pat pat. and buy some salted caramel chocolate. yes.

from my inbox:

Olivia (day 13): “I listened to the sober decluttering call a week ago. You asked if you came over to our house would we be able to let you in without being embarrassed. When I was deep in my binge drinking, I would have been horrified. But now, my house is company ready most of the time. Not Queen of England ready — I do have 2 kids and a dog — but I would happily invite you in for tea 🙂  I realized this today when one of my daughter’s friends was dropped off at our house with a five minute notice. All I had to do was hang some coats and pick up a few stray Cheerios and I was ready. It’s amazing how less chaotic my life is without wine being the focus.”

AmandaJ (day 6): “I’m away on a work trip.I am off out to soak up the sunrise and take in the sights and sounds of this amazing city. Walk myself to death and breath in the mountain air. I’m determined to cram in as much good stuff as I can, daily, hourly on my second attempt at the challenge. This time I get it and will heed your advice about replacing the bad shit with the wonderous. I liken my first attempt at sobriety to a cheap meat pie. I ripped out the filling and just sat and watched the empty pie shell. This time round I’ve re stuffed the pie with a delicious nutritious filling crammed full of veggies and herbs and love. I realise where I went wrong last time. I didn’t add anything wonderous, just took out the booze and there was just a big boring gap in my life. Lesson learned.”

Wean: “Sober! I am not a broken person, I am a good person wanting to get better.  And I will!” [she’s on day 27 today]

cookbook treat

booktreat

Slept until 10:30 am this morning, what a difference 🙂 And it’s sunny today — finally!

AND thanks to our lovely european weekend postal delivery, I received this treat in the mail just as I was having my second saturday morning cup of coffee.

Thanks to the Tiny Gift Button, and thanks to Ellen for recommending this Seattle-original doughnut store for inspiration.

Picture Postcard (Sober) Life:  it’s sunny, saturday, well-rested, and Mr. Belle is ‘working’ because he woke up feeling motivated, which never happens (!). All is well.

It’ll take more than icing …

Bracelet update: So when i put up the bracelet picture yesterday, i didn’t really expect that the 10 available would get scooped up in about 4 hours …  If you’d like an email when there are more available, you can sign up here.  All going well, i should know mid-next-week.  Monday is a holiday in the US so things are moving slowly in anticipation …

i’ve had a weirdly long day, spent hours learning how to frost a birthday cake, with about 30 minutes to spare before the client picked it up.  i made the mistake of telling her the frosting was ‘butter, icing sugar + vanilla’ because that left out a bit of food coloring which would have made putting light frosting on dark cake easier. i also told her no shortening (again, what do you think is in the icing at the grocery store?). yes, i’m doing catering from scratch, with real food. and yes, that means sometimes that my head can nearly fly off when it doesn’t smooth, set, or behave like the store-bought-junk does.

combine frustrated fucking icing with weather that was LITERALLY hailing, a very sore throat which i know equals laryngitis coming up. oh i had a big case of the fuck-its.

so right at the end of the catering job, even before she had picked up the cakes (god, yes, there were two cakes), i toyed with two ideas: (1) having a glass of wine and calling it quits – everything – the blog, the challenge, and the catering.  fuck all of it.  (2) i figured i’d email the cake woman, tell her to come get her cakes no charge, and i’d say to her “i’m never icing another fucking birthday cake again, please get these out of my house.”

Instead. I had a bath. i remembered that my blog post from only DAYS ago, I was writing to me, telling me that when i’m tired/overwhelmed, that i often feel like quitting everything. catering included.

After my bath I got an email from the woman about the cake:

Cake overdose… we loved it! The flavor was wonderful! The cake subtle lemon flavor n the frosting came out very good, bravo coz it was a success. I’ve given my friend n neighbor ur website because she n her kids had some cake too n they will definitely be ordering. She is half English n liked the that you make pies too. Thanks for the fairy dust, i’ll put some on the larger cake tmrw!! :)) Thank you again… So happy to find someone close by for homemade treats. the last lady who made cakes for me moved to TX. So it’s good to know you are here and not moving anytime soon 🙂

and i wrote this to colleen the day before yesterday, and it seems perfect now:

sleep.
let me tell you
it’s like
my new
drug
and this looks like
a poem
but
it’s not.

and now it’s 11:34 pm and i’m going to sleep. Let it save me from myself 🙂  let me wake up with a better attitude, good hair, and frosting that covers dark layers. let it fucking be sunny, or else.

oh, i can’t go to sleep before I do this:

Team 100 update: 89 members, welcome to Zenmeg (4), Mel (4), and Cam (15).  Celebrations for: Lilly (20), Emily (22), Victoria (62), Grace (11), Lawyer Anne (45), Lauren (60), Roxanne (30), Debbie (10), Erin (32), LilyUK (20), JG (20), Colleen (21), Em (15), and Jenna (12).  Me, i’m on day 327. and tomorrow i’ll be on day 328.  It’ll take more than icing to make me get out of my sober car …

i’m done with struggle

stay-cation day #4. slept 10 hrs. woke at 6:30 am, saw that i hadn’t slept long enough to guarantee a good day, so i rolled over, and slept till 9:15.  that’s better.

What follows here isn’t terribly interesting, unless you’re me.

But after nearly 8 years of marriage, my husband and i are now (finally) sleeping in separate beds.

I’m an unusually light sleeper, have been since childhood. My mother says i’d wake if an ant farted a block away. As a tiny baby, my parents had to give up “checking in on me” before they went to bed, because to touch the door handle was to wake me… If you combine this genetic predisposition (because my entire extended family (paternal) is unfortunately like this, super sensitive to sound, crappy sleepers, my parents don’t sleep in the same bed) — if you combine ME with a really tall man, who just happens to snore and thrash (like the members of his maternal side of the family, they’re all shakers-and-bakers when they sleep, and Mr. Belle’s parents don’t sleep in the same bed either) — well if you put ME and HIM together in a bed, no matter how large, one of us is going to be awakened 4-6 times per night.  That person would be me.

now that i’m sober, and most days are good days, i’ve really been finding the tired days harder to tolerate.  when i was drinking, I guess i was used to being tired all the time, was used to feeling 50% shitty most days. At nearly 11 months sober, I quite like feeling good.  and i HATE it when i feel sooo tired from Mr. Belle’s thrashing. he wakes in the morning, takes one look at my face, and he knows that he has tortured me all night.

And part of the reason i’ve been doing the 24-hr mini-vacations alone in a hotel has been simply to get one solidly good night’s sleep per month.

So about two weeks ago i asked if we could try an experiment.  i had been tired for a month it seemed. I asked if i could sleep alone for awhile, just to see … and after two nights i felt remarkably better.  dramatically different.  Since then we’ve been playing it a bit by ear each night. We go to bed together, read, talk, plan the next day.  and then he goes to the other room or stays, depending on general levels of tiredness, and what I have going on the next day.

Yes, I am able to get work done when i haven’t slept well.  Yes, I’m able to set my alarm and get up for catering after 5 hrs sleep.  But i hate my life when that happens.  It feels like pushing a truck uphill.  It makes everything feel ten times harder than it really is.  If i have a Booze Wolfie that talks shit about booze, then I also have an Exhaustion Wolf that comes out when i’m tired, and he says “you’re behind, you’re never going to catch up, your stuff isn’t good enough, why bother trying. This is all too hard, this is supposed to be your passion job.  you should quit this, you should stop doing this.  This is too hard.”

on the other hand, when i have had enough sleep, I can get up early, do the catering, and have NONE of that noise in my head. Nothing. Some mornings i even forget to turn on the radio, and i work for hours in silence without even noticing.  I just do my thing.  I work without STRUGGLE.

so me? i pick sleep. I’m going into this next phase of sober life with enough sleep. I’m giving up the idealized version of a married couple sleeping in the same bed, because it just doesn’t work for us.  It didn’t for my parents or his parents either.  I am no longer holding myself to ridiculous ideas of what is ‘good’ when it doesn’t work. (i used to think that if we didn’t in the same bed, that it was a slippery slope to divorce. just cuz.) Now I pick sleep, and i am packing up this idea of struggle and i’m putting it out with the recycling. i’m just not interested in struggle any more.  (there was a certain level of chaos and dysfunction i could tolerate when drinking that I just can’t do any more.) and yes I CAN make myself work when i’m tired … but why do it that way?  Why not, instead, give myself the very lovely gift of a good night’s sleep.  and I thankfully have a husband who’s more interested in a happy wife than which bed he sleeps in.  And, to quote him, he says “it doesn’t matter which bed i’m in.  i’m asleep.”

sleep.  makes my life possible without struggle.  makes me feel even.  it can be raining but if i’ve had enough sleep i don’t seem to care.  When i’m tired, everything seems hard. very very hard. and not worth it.  When i’m tired, i surf the web and find all the information and possibilities overwhelming.  I see people blogging recipes daily and i think “i can’t do that, i could never do that, it’s all too much, i should give up.” on the other hand, when i’ve had enough sleep, I see someone blogging their recipes daily and i think — well, she does her thing, and I do my thing.  (And frankly, my thing earns money and hers is sort of like mental masturbation).

I’m done with struggle.  I’m cutting open the box of struggle, i’m squishing sides flat, and i’m putting it out for recycling.  someone else can take home my struggle if they want it. I’ve been carrying it for a long time. 37 years probably. i seem to want to cry as i write that.  since i’ve been 9 years old, my life has been too hard for me.  in my new, happier life, i am sober, happily married, earning money, and i’m finally finally getting enough sleep.  i never would have done this if i was still drinking.

i’m done with struggle. you?

Team 100 update: KC (30), Malia (30), Kriss (30), Rachel (10), Debbie (7), Tammy (50), JMM (20).

how does it feel?

Book giveaway winner announced here (WhinelessinWashington)!

My new sober penpal Jenny wrote:

“Tell me how 7 months (sober) feels?”

what a question! talk about getting right into the meat of things 🙂 here was my answer:

how does 7 months feel.  what an interesting question. It feels like a big number that I didn’t create.  It’s like I’ve gone to bed and gotten up 230 days in a row without drinking, and that doesn’t seem possible.  you know, it’s like anticipating a big vacation and thinking that the time will NEVER pass, and yet it does, steadily, day by day.  it’s just like that.  and it’s like arriving on a big vacation and not wanting it to end, even though some days are crummy and boring, you still don’t want to go back to ‘real life’.  and I hope that in time, I’ll feel more confident that I’m never going back. the further away I get from ‘there’ will convince me that I get to stay ‘here’ … and then perhaps I can look forward a bit more than I am already …

I know i didn’t plan to quit forever. i just found that once I got going, i liked being sober more than i thought i would. it’s BETTER than before. yes, sometimes, i act like it’s a gift that can be thrown away. yes, sometimes i act like nothing can touch me. but in truth, it’s just like i said to Jenny. i get up every day, and i continue to enjoy my life, and i do the things that work. i don’t focus too much on how many days anymore (mostly because the number is so huge, and in some ways it’s a truly impossibly large number). i don’t worry too much when i get teased for not drinking.  i know he’s jealous. i know he can’t figure out how to get here where I am. I’m OK with that. I will try to gloat less, and be more humble. But 7 months feels waaaay more awesome-sauce than i thought it would 🙂 and so yes, sometimes i gloat a bit.  i dance around the kitchen relishing in my newly found genius. yes.  guilty as charged.  go ahead and fucking sue me. I’m sober. and. loving. it.

Today I will do what others won’t

In writing to my sober penpal, Amy, last week, i was telling her how i was out for dinner and someone was asking about my not-drinking.  He’s a nice guy, someone who’s told my husband and i that he admires how we’ve constructed our lives… anyway he seemed like just the right place for me to practice telling my sober story differently.

cuz when i first quit, i didn’t want anyone to notice; then once i got my sea legs i was pissed off that no one noticed i wasn’t drinking. Now i seem to be in a new place. I’m not changing the facts, just how I talk about why i’m sober.

I told this nice guy that it started as a 30 day ‘experiment’ for Dry July, but that I found it harder to quit than I thought I would. We agreed that booze is everywhere – in ads/tv/associated with major events, at christmas, at new years, even at the dinner we were attending that very night. It’s assumed everyone will drink.  Everyone drinks.

I told him that the longer I didn’t drink, and the more I got to stand outside of what everyone else does, I could really examine it, and try to figure out what worked best for ME.  Everyone else just drinks (in different amounts, but most people drink) and they do so perhaps without ever really considering if that’s what’s best for them.

i told him that once I had quit, I realized I was better off without it.  I sleep better, I get more done, and it has started a ball of self-improvement rolling  downhill (i didn’t mention my sober car, but you know what i mean).

Now, what’s changed?  All of this story is true. I don’t have to share with anyone, nor is it anyone’s business, as to how much I drank, or how many times i thought about quitting before I actually did.

I’m telling a TRUE story, but I get to decide HOW I tell it.  and frankly, sober girls rock, and I felt GREAT after I framed my story like this … Amy and I agreed it was time for a new bumper sticker: sober girls rock… or … “when’s the last time you did something different from what everyone else was doing?” The great un-lemming-ing.

kinda like: Today I will do what others won’t, so tomorrow I can have a life that others can’t…

prunes, vacuums, and nature

thank god it’s all over, the holiday season. didn’t realize how exhausted and stressed i was, how near to drinking i probably was 3 or 4 times.  I didn’t seem to remember that it would take me a full 10 days of my 14 day vacation to truly unwind (i’m there now!). i’m glad the whole holiday/celebrating thing is finished, that new years eve is done, that my 6 month sober-versary has passed — and with it any ideas i had of ‘maybe i can drink now that it’s been 6 months’.  done with that kind of thinking. now i can go back to my regularly scheduled sober life.

and i feel pretty great. strangely empowered. better than i’ve felt in a long, long time.  I’m a girl who loves her vacations, that’s for sure.  i like working when i feel like it, sleeping, running, and frigging around in the kitchen.  i like planning for the new year without actually doing anything to advance my plans!  (I am a girl who loves a plan, but i might even like MAKING plans, and scheming new plans, more than i even like having the finished plan. I like the chart paper on the wall, i like the vomiting of ideas, deciding which ones to pursue, what to prune.)

What to prune.  This brings me to today’s a-ha moment.

i’ve been on autopilot for so many years, that now being 6 months sober is providing me with an unusually clear perspective and a quiet sense of determination.  Pruning.  I’m about to prune some of what i do in Job #2.  Eliminate a few services that are irritating and not worth it anymore.  what’s HILARIOUS is that i found a note from november 2011, where i identified that i wanted to prune Job #2.  And then i didn’t do any of it.  i kept drinking (January to June) and then beginning in July, all i could focus on was getting/staying sober.

Now that i’ve been squirted (splat!) out the other side, i had a look around was like “yeah, now’s the time. do some pruning.”

And as soon as i figured out the first thing to prune, a new idea came into my head to take its place, hopefully bigger and better, something i’ll love doing instead of something i feel obligated to do.  you know, that stupid fucking trite saying about ‘nature abhors a vacuum’ … well.

well that’s all i have to say about prunes, vacuums, and nature.

Here are my 2013 things i’d like to do (not resolutions).  I record them here so that i can torture congratulate myself later when i check them off one by one [sorry Amy if you’re seeing these more than once]:

  • get 100% caught up on paperwork, filing, banking, accounting
  • trim 3 things from my business #2 which isn’t doing very well
  • add 3 new things (not yet imagined) to business #2 to see if it perks things up (i have one of them imagined already)
  • build my passion job #3 thingy to a more steady and reliable stream of income
  • I’d like to lose 15 pounds, then re-evaluate, and perhaps lose another 5 after that (this was a 2012 goal that I’m carrying forward; I’ve lost 7 of the original 15, but still have a bit to go)
  • I’d like to eat my way down to the bottom of my freezer (this was also on my list for 2012, that I’m carrying forward)
  • read 52 books in a year.  This year I read 40 34
  • continue to run 3-5 times per week
  • continue to be sober until July 1st which is my one year s0ber-versary. I can re-evaluate then, but I suspect I’ll remain sober.  it suits me.
  • have one night away per month, with or without husband, for mini-vacations since we’re not able to afford real vacations this year.
  • I’d like to be thin, with long hair, eyebrows done from the salon, nice nails, and have a good (real) tan.  then I’d like to go home in July to see my sisters… yes, even at age 46 the sibling rivalry continues … it can be pretty motivating. I’m trying to let this go.
  • I’d like to be in bed by 10:30 most nights, and 9:30 pm at least one night per week.

In general, I’d like to experience the feeling of being ‘done’ with a bunch of loose ends.  I’m spread a bit thin, and I think the kindest gift I can give myself this year is to do fewer things better.

Happy New Year everyone 🙂

6 months today

Quit date: July 1st.

6 months later: January 1st.

Was in bed last night at 10:30 pm to ensure that no champagne would be consumed. husband joined me; he’s not drinking either except when he’s out, and then only a beer or two.

i think that 6 months is a freaking long time.  in my case it has been 185.5 days of saying no, making better choices, distracting myself, and going to bed. This started as a 30 day idea, and here I am 6 months later. Impossible to believe, really.  I think that going to bed early saves me more often than i’d care to admit …

But as Amy wrote to me today in her daily email update:

“I am convinced that getting enough sleep can help you slay dragons (and wolves).”

I’m a bit sluggish today, as husband and i are having a rare disagreement that has been going on for a couple of days.  i will sleep well tonight, and will run tomorrow.

and everything will be fine.

and i’ll be sober.

i will have no regrets.

i’ll kick some ass tomorrow.

just not today.

today i’m watching Being John Malkovich (for the 6th or 8th time)…