the absolute truth

email from Bud: “Day 2. Sober. Feeling ok, a bit irritable but otherwise not too bad. Got a decent night sleep and just have been trying to keep myself busy; my mind occupied so that I don’t think about drinking. I agree, those repetitive slips (some which become longer relapsed than others) are worrisome and proof that more focus needs to be put on my sobriety. It’s a big holiday next week (july 4th), I want to enjoy it like everyone else – and I can. It’s just about being conscious of what I can do and what I cannot do, like drink alcohol. I cannot drink like my peers. I can’t! Admitting that sucks sometimes, but it’s the absolute truth and there is no other way around it. So, despite the fact we have a little bit of a larger celebration in Philadelphia for july 4th than most cities here in the US, I will try to take it all in without a drink. But I’ll worry about that when it comes. Until then, perhaps a meeting tonight. I feel good, albeit a tad uncomfortable. But I’d take this over being drunk any day.”

~

shameless commercial link.  gaah. i was asked ‘where can i see YOUR paintings’ and i’m like i’m not the artist, he is. and i don’t want to take away from him. the page on the site is for his stuff. this sounds like false modesty. but i legitimately feel weird about painting (at all), and about sharing it (ever), and then to show the ones that have been purchased?

phuh.

i know. even when i read this over, it sounds smarmy. ok. here’s the absolute truth. i’ve posted my hope paintings to the sober art page, but i will probably take them down again. and i can’t figure out how to organize the page (available, sold, his, mine). i tried something this morning (www.artsober.com) but will probably change my mind in an hour 🙁

and i will bristle at comments like ‘but you ARE an artist’, so be warned.

[i’m trying to show honest awkwardness but (again) when i read this over, i think it isn’t coming across right. fuck.]

measure wine in a measuring cup?

from my inbox:

AJ (day 116): “Belle, I got an email today from one of the sober organizations I subscribed to on sober attempt #1 last year (Club Soda or Hello Monday Morning, already can’t remember which). They shared a story about “successful moderation” … and against my gut, I clicked on the story …

It told the story of a woman who drank too much, then cut back … She just forced herself to drink less! … Wolfie woke up IMMEDIATELY, and said ”… You only tried moderation once, really …”

But as I read along in her story, what struck me next—and thank fuck this even managed to strike me in my article-reading-pity-party—was how much she had to *think about drinking* … I felt sorry for how hard she has to work to moderate. Then suddenly, like lightning, your ENTIRE PLATFORM made such clear sense on a different level than ever before—you…Belle…another real woman who exists in the world…got fucking tired of THINKING about drinking. I guess I always knew what you meant by that phrase, but this article about another woman who has set up her entire life around THINKING about drinking, analyzing her drinking, struggling against herself…it showed me the reverse side of your writings, the ugly opposite image. She took a path you *could* have chosen, after all…to struggle forever…but I’m gonna stay Team Belle on this one. It feels like such an easy choice. Compared to the alternative, being sober IS the “easy way out”…and then the Exit paintings made even more sense…I basically had like 30 straight minutes of my mind being blown. Sobriety IS sort of the easy way out?? Maybe not all days, but more and more, most days. (The bad days still suck lots, of course.)

And so more thought vomit…I’m not only sober from a substance now…I’m also mercifully abstaining from having to measure my wine in a measuring cup(that is NOT a cool thing to do at a party…plain tonic is way cooler than that!), and always feeling slighted…always wanting more…always making the same fucking hard decisions every day.

The poor woman in that story is an absolute slave to her obsessive alcohol measuring rituals and her thoughts, counting drinks, desires for more…clamping down on the mental and physical cravings just as they show their ugly faces after a couple drinks.

NO THANKS to that.

That said, when I know an article will likely shake me up, I probably should not open it…but I’m glad I did today… Thanks for reading that heap of thoughts…my next email will be much more respectfully concise…AJ”

[update: she’s on day 251 today]

~

Feedback from subscribers:

sobersparkles (day 197): “I wish these organisations would pull their head out of their proverbial and realise how irresponsible, and unhelpful, it is to share and email like that with their audience.”

me: it turns out the people running these organizations aren’t actually sober people 🙁

~

many thanks to the Exit paintings, to my husband, to you for offering to bring the paintings into your home. To say that the Exit paintings ‘saved’ us after a very bad run-in with the french visa people last year, would be the truth. someone asked mr.belle this direct question at the tennessee art show: did the paintings ‘save’ you? and he said yes.

this one can be personalized with whatever word you’d like. s’elever, grace, Exit.

painting here.

link: www.artsober.com

slow or no

We have two choices. We either have slow, incremental progress, or we’re going down the elevator. We’re either slowly improving bit by bit, or we’re going backwards and going down. There’s no fast progress, so you can remove the option of fast progress. Not an option. It doesn’t exist. And that you push-push-push and try to get it, is sort of like a fast track to going backwards, having a u-turn, having a new day one.
So here’s where you’re sitting. Look at it. You have the option of going forward — slowly. Improving incrementally slowly. Or you have the option of fucking it up, adding on too many goals, pushing too hard, having a new day one, finding it difficult to get off the booze elevator, having the elevator go down.
As far as I can see, those are the only two choices and so I pick slow. I pick slow. It’s either slow or no. There’s no fast. There’s no over-pushing. There’s no overdoing it.
There’s either slow or no.

~

painting 459, ready for personalization.
what word would you like?
Exit, Hope, Open, Potential … s’élever, Sortie, Grace …

painting here.

link: www.artsober.com

decide from the place of sunshine

email from E: “I think my biggest fear about being long-term sober is that as long as I’m drinking, I won’t ever have the life I really want or deserve. But I’m not trying to get that life, so I don’t need to feel bad about not having it.

What if I quit drinking, and work hard, and focus and really try! What if after all that I still don’t have the life I want and deserve. Despite everything I still might not be enough. And that is the scariest, saddest thought I have ever had.

I haven’t committed to being sober yet. But I will. Soon. I love your emails, they really help me to feel less alone.”

me: And what if you quit drinking and your life is improved … You’re not obliged to live in the sunshine and roses of sobriety if you get there and decide you don’t like feeling relieved and happy. I know that the sunshine looks impossible. Instead, though, you can go to the sunshine and THEN decide if it’s worth it. Decide from the place of sunshine. hugs

 

~
disclaimer: i know jack shit. i have written a sober book which is even more hilarious because i can only write about my experience and that’s a pretty weird thing. we think our drinking stories are unique (well, i do), and then in the telling we realize that we have more the same than we do different. Quote from the book:

It starts at 3 a.m., wake up, roll over, not too quickly or the nausea will start. Try to be still, flat on your back. Hot. Thirsty. Headache. Take a small sip of water as a trial, to see how this is going to go. Not well. Shift in the bed again. Why is it so hot in here. Then cold. One foot out from under the blanket — oh it’s no use, the room has started to move.

~
shameless commercial link. written by SouthernMagnolia1013:
~
“I have been sober for 270 days. That’s 270 days of still getting excited about reading your emails that come in. In the beginning I subscribed to your sober podcast-lesson thingy. I loved the podcasts. They were my go-to for certain nights before I went to bed. It was part of my routine. Then my momentum was going so well and I  thought I would take a break from the podcasts and I unsubscribed.

You know, I ended up missing listening to those podcasts where I got to hear really encouraging words and thoughts and stories that related exactly to ME. It’s like you were making the podcast lessons just for me. So I decided to resubscribe and am so glad that I did. I am still learning new things about sobriety that I never realized before. I also like that it’s my little way of hitting up that tiny gift button. You deserve a fat paycheck for ALL of the time you spend helping others. So when that day comes when my bank account is overflowing and I am fortunate enough to give out yearly contributions to my favorite charity or organization, I am putting your name at the top of my list. In the meantime I’ll just have to thank you by subscribing to the weekly podcasts :)”

[update: she’s on day 1664]

thursday links

things you may have missed
(you should click every one of these links):

  • audio about how drinking-thinking is different from sober-thinking. and your drinking-thinking is probably going to OBJECT to ideas suggested that have to do with being sober > click link here
  • what if i fail? if you’re afraid to begin, if your wolfie voice is really loud, if you think it’s all gonna suck … then you can watch this facebook video (you don’t have to be signed into FB or like the page to watch it) > click link here
  • when you’re worried about fitting in, and not having the right shoes > click link here
  • i’ve had this tab open in my desktop browser for 4 months, but it’s too expensive to actually buy > click link here
  • i’ve been accused of “selling hope” since 2012. now i’m painting hope. these hope paintings are done by me, not by le husband > hope 16
  • husband’s ‘Exit’ art. if booze is an elevator that only goes down, you get off and you stay off. find the exit, the opening. get out and stay out > mr.belle’s gallery page here

of course it can help

from me:

Look, if you’re not yet continuously sober, you will read my list of suggested sober tools, and you’ll say “that’s very nice, Belle, but I can’t just add “order take-out” to my list of tools and expect it to help.”
Yes, you can. You can because it’s one way of reducing overwhelm.
If we have a bizarre, unfortunate, unforgiving, and heinous combination of a lack of self-soothing techniques, a sensitive disposition, a tendency to be overwhelmed, and a stubborn pride, then yes, giving up making dinner for the first several weeks of being sober CAN help. Of course it can.
Because it all can help.
Every piece is a puzzle piece, fills a hole. Wolfie is standing at the door, waiting to huff and puff. He’s looking for gaps around the window.
Ordering dinner, or asking your teenager to make jarred sauce with fresh pasta, or asking your 10 year old to make toaster waffles and Cheerios – yes, this can help.
Let’s dissect this.
You ask your kids to make dinner. “Mummy has been doing a lot and she needs a bit of a vacation. And it’s time for you to become more adult, bit by bit, anyway. Kid 1 you’re in charge of Tuesday, and Kid 2 you’re Thursday.”
Now. You’ve asked the kids to make dinner. How does this help with being sober?
     You’ve involved other people. You’ve asked for help. You share responsibilities. You know that other people won’t do it as well as you, but so what. You go to bed during this time and listen to a sober audio while Kid 1 (the 10 year old) pours Cheerios on the floor, drags out the vacuum, impresses you with her culinary skills which include slicing a banana onto the cereal.
OK yes, it’s the special banana you were saving for the special cake. But you know what? There are more bananas in the store.
Get over it.

 


K says: “I think you do a wonderful thing Belle and I LOVE that you started to interfere with Mr B’s paintings!!! That makes me smile! I’ve told my husband that I shall be adding fireflies to his art too very soon. Following a momentary pause, he said… “Oh”  Lol xx”

from me:
firefly-it-up!
add some life, a few oxygen bubbles perhaps, or maybe they’re fireflies, little bursts of brightness.
   s’élever is french for “to go up’ or to rise up, but it’s also a reflexive verb … rise YOURSELF up.

 

link > https://gumroad.com/l/Exit-361-fireflies

link > https://gumroad.com/l/Exit-361-fireflies

the pattern is actually this

email from Ri:
“Sober today. Day one.
Same pattern repeated this weekend.
40ish days sober … Drink.
I know. I can hear you, Belle. You’re thinking:
‘The pattern is actually this:
Supports & tools.
Sober.
Podcasts & OMM’s.
Sober.
Meetings.
Sober.
Treats & emails.
Sober.
Celebrate 30 days sober!
Stop reaching out for support.
No need for tools & treats.
Make excuses to miss meetings.
Send fewer emails.
Drink.'”

 


from me:
it was a very strange weekend, where i took one of my husband’s paintings and said “i want to add some life to this, some sparkle.” I did use the word effervescence but he didn’t know what that meant (and i didn’t know how to say it in french). i said “signs of life, little bubbles like deep sea diving.”
and it takes a very patient man, to let his wife DRAW on his paintings. and then she makes tee-hee noises, and posts the painting, and people comment. and then she gloats about being a genius. and he is amused but not convinced. and then she does it again.

BP: “Love it! I see pops of unexpected, just like being sober — those moments, new thoughts, new ways to live that just show up and you’re like wow, yes!!”

Sarita: “I LOVE it! I see little oxygen bubbles rising up — coming back to life!”

link > https://gumroad.com/l/Exit-361-fireflies

link > https://gumroad.com/l/Exit-361-fireflies

i have the choice to listen or not

email from Lars: “Yes, day 17! I realized today that it’s my special lady time, so no wonder I’ve felt weird for a couple days! It’s funny how oblivious I can be at times. I had some real pangs yesterday, but I went for a walk, made dinner, and played cards with my beau and through all those steps I lost those pangs to drink. I keep making deals with myself, ‘after 100 days you can, but until then you are not drinking.’ I want to complete your challenge, and if I decide drinking is what I want after that, then fine, I can reassess then.

I feel a bit directionless today, though there isn’t any logical reason to. I’m getting used to having these illogical thoughts come up, and I’m practicing dismissing them. Why do we tell ourselves all kinds of harmful lies? It isn’t helpful. I’m realizing I have the choice to listen to them or not. This whole dealing with real life thing feels a bit strange, but it’s really empowering. I have conversations with my guy, those tough and weighted conversations that used to always end in pointless arguments, and when I have my wits about me I don’t get upset over things that I used to. I’ve been such a burdened and burdensome person to live with for so long, it feels good to not have to worry about the small stuff (that would inevitably get blown out of proportion). I get to enjoy my life now, and I get to enrich others lives, too. Even on a low-energy day like today, I’ll take that reality over a hazy one any day! -Lars”

[update: she’s on day 721 today]


from me:
the story starts like this:
i says to him, i says: “can i paint on your painting?”
“why?”
“cuz i think it’s too dark and it needs some hope and effervescence.”
he doesn’t know what effervescence means (i’m speaking in english, and i don’t know the french word). so i say, “tonic bubbles? hope? signs of life?”
Or maybe you see fireflies…
Anyway, this was our first ‘joint’ painting, which is to say i took it and painted on it and he didn’t kill me …
what must it be like to be married to me.
i’m certain that this will work, i tell him. i’m certain that the mixture of both our ideas will add more layers. there’s strength and hope in the same painting. he nods. he’s not sure. i am sure. i’m sure someone will buy it today, i say. which isn’t about the money, of course, it’s about me being right. which is more important … did i mention how much fun it must be to be married to me? your ideas welcomed. do you see snow, tonic bubbles, signs of life (deep sea diving), or little peeps of fireflies?so then painting #457 with the little fireflies / bubbles is purchased, and heading off to Minneapolis on Monday.
I say to mr.b, “see, i’m a genius.”
and he’s like, “not really…  you’re a genius in other ways, but not in this way.”
and i’m like, “yes i am. i’ll prove it. i’ll take one of the paintings that’s been on the site for 3 weeks and i’ll firefly-it-up. and then you’ll see.”
he made me a cup of decaf, patted me on the head, and said, “at least you’re having fun.”
(this is how we entertain ourselves on saturday afternoons. i made chocolate cake with homemade cherry sauce, he cleaned his studio. we had a nap. then i add signs of life to his paintings …)

BP: “Love it! I see pops of unexpected, just like being sober — those moments, new thoughts, new ways to live that just show up and you’re like wow, yes!!”

Sarita: “I LOVE it! I see little oxygen bubbles rising up — coming back to life!”

link > https://gumroad.com/l/Exit-398-fireflies

link > https://gumroad.com/l/Exit-398-fireflies

that’s what addiction is. it’s a head that lies to us.

from my inbox:

bluesparkles (day 0):  “FUCK I hear you Belle. It just seems so damn boring and exhausting without the buzz of wine to keep the night going. I don’t know what to do instead. I mean, I do, and i’ve done it, but I’ve forgotten the past few weeks since i’ve been back at school and it’s ramped up the tension and need for release. I am so goddamn sick of thinking about it.
Belle, if I could tell you all the things that are running through my mind every day with school, the three kids, my job which is filled with children, colleagues, the new fire pit in our backyard so my hubby and i can enjoy a date night at home since we don’t have any damn help – well firepits don’t seem that fun with just coffee and creamer. I bought decaf coffee and creamer just for that reason, but it’s more fun with wine. and I hate that. Hate hate hate. I can do a trillion strong ass things, give birth, deal with marriage stuff, family serious health things, I don’t want to deal with one more damn thing – i.e. giving up something that relaxes me. does that make sense? I feel like your response is going to be unintentionally condescending because it’s just not that easy to find other sober supports and treats in the midst of life.”

me: I know that I will be unintentionally condescending when I say that you being sober is a big deal, for you, for the kids, and for feeling proud of yourself. if you’re missing out on a ‘buzz’ then yes, you can find it in other ways. you’re here [reading this, emailing] because on some level you know that you’re drinking more than you want to be. it’s not easy to find sober supports. but I’m here, and you can be emailing me 4 times a day. you could listen to the audios and set up calls with me. you have a voice in your head that tells you that alcohol makes things better. that’s what addiction is. it’s a head that lies to us. and on some level you know this. that’s why you’re emailing me. to ask me to say this. so I will 🙂 hugs

 


​you enter into a new space, a new phase of life.
you go into new territory.
you enter a new you 🙂

link

www.artsober.com

 

if you’re happy, then something’s wrong

from my inbox:

zenmeg: “I am very good. Thanks for checking in. I have been benefiting from a recent sober revelation – an old hobby. Knitting has burst back into my life like a long lost friend. So good to be reunited again … i am reveling in how lovely it feels to be happy as pie and not feel the urge to drink away that happiness. Being happy and staying happy and learning how to be comfortable with sheer happiness has been a BIG part of me embracing sobriety.  I think I was raised with some sort of underlying vibe of “if you’re happy, then something’s wrong.” I remember having a conversation with my mom where we were scoffing at people who seemed carefree and happy – saying there must be something wrong with them or that they’re not taking life seriously enough. My mom was the eldest of 7 kids and her parents were alcoholics. She pretty much raised her siblings and never got a chance to live her own life or acknowledge her own feelings or even learn how to feel; she’s never been to therapy to deal with all the crap that has been hanging on her since her childhood. So surely she has passed some of her baggage onto me. Thankfully I’ve seen a few different therapists over the years. So this happiness thing is fabulous. I even cry sometimes b/c I am so happy.

How are you? Love reading your emails and blogs and anything you send out. You’re on to something here. Wait until Oprah hears about you.”

 

 


 

NEW – Where are they now? Sober support paintings …

North Carolina

 

Georgia

 

available

 

New Jersey
available
available