wolfie is a cockroach

From my inbox, this message from L:

“I woke up feeling MUCH better after emailing you. is there a connection? probably so. and also i had a bit of a revelation.

remember my email where i talked about feeling like wolfie was behind me, and i was scared to turn around to check to see if he was getting smaller, blah blah blah? …

i realized something. i didn’t feel like i was doing the sober thing properly, not because i was stuffing my mouth with cake, but because i wasn’t getting “better.” i wasn’t being cured of my wino-ism. at the end of the 100 day challenge i wanted to keep going because i still didn’t know what i thought about it all. but that was probably code for, “i’m not cured yet, so i need to keep going.”

THERE’S NO FUCKING CURE!!

and its taken me this long to accept that. wolfie wasn’t going away because he’s a fucking cockroach, and those motherfuckers do not die. they would survive a nuclear war, and so would wolfie. fuuuuuuuuck wolfie.

cockroaches are fucking disgusting creatures and i fucking hate them (can you tell)? but i’ve also over time accepted that they are here to stay. and so what do i do? i make sure that an exterminator comes regularly to spray. and as soon as i see one around, if maybe i’ve forgotten to call the bug man, i sure as hell call the bug man then. i don’t let them infiltrate and set up shop. first sign of them and i take action. because i fucking hate cockroaches.

and i hate wolfie too.

now my next bit of work is to really truly accept that wolfie is here to stay. and get to work on keeping him away.”

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

  • Whoa! Best soldiers description ever! Maybe it just resonates because I live in Texas, the roach capital of the universe. But it’s true. Neither Wolfe nor roaches ever leave, they just have to be kept away. Any way we can.

  • I think I remember you posting L’s previous email.I don’t think I came to the same conclusion that L did about his/her own question. But the realization that wolfie never goes away hit me hard this past weekend. I think somehow I was under the impression that he would get smaller and disappear….because that’s what it felt like was happening. I just passed a year sober ( June 24th), I decided to go camping, wolfie showed up with a vengeance, after barely a squeak for a couple of months. It took every fucking tool i had to keep my shit together (there wasn’t even any booze around to tempt me). I made it through that evening and felt all the better for it the next morning. I learned I have to keep on doing the work, stay engaged with my sobriety, because I want to stay here. I also feel good knowing that took action and used those tools.

  • So damn true…. great analogy for Wolfie! Just when you think you’ve killed the little bastard he comes crawling back out!