sock feet

resistance. wolfie voice. ‘don’t want to, can’t make me’.

i feel this way all the time, especially when starting something new. you’ll be able to relate. it’s exactly like the period of time before (and just after) day 1.

i don’t want to do this, i don’t care if it’ll change me, i don’t care if i’ll ‘evolve’, i just want to sit here and do this, no movement, no growth. fuck that growth thing, who needs to evolve? lots of people are happy with nothing, doing nothing, i can be one of those people.

oh i can be one of those people. i can aspire to a night of reruns and bottles. i can roll out of bed to begin drinking again. who wants to go move into something new – no matter what it is.

i can pour alcohol on my head so that i don’t aspire to be anything more than someone who sits in front of the computer, with just one glass, with just one bottle, ok open the second one but don’t let me have more than a glass. or two. i can pour alcohol on my head SO THAT i don’t remember that i wanted to evolve, to grow, to do new things.

you know this feeling:

sunday morning, day off, leisure time, free from concern. and then you remember that you have something planned at 2 pm. argh, right in the middle of the day. can you cancel? well it’s a think you’ve really wanted to do for a long time, and you know once you get there you’ll be totally excited. what you can’t tell from home, still in your sock feet, is that at that 2 pm thing, there’s a door that opens into something else new, that you can’t even foresee. what you CAN see is your feet and your socks and your living room. but there’s a big world OUT there. and it takes a bit of a push to get to the 2 pm thing.

now you’re going to argue (wolfie) that maybe the 2 pm thing is dumb and who cares, and you’ll just do it next weekend.

and i say: you know that you want this because you’ve been online reading about it. you’ve been listening to audios. you know that this is the thing. you know it. you’ve tried other things. you’re afraid of something new AND you’re in a place of inertia AND you think that staring at your socked feet is an activity.

it isn’t.

evolving into a better version of you?

um, yeah. that trumps reruns and bottles. it does.

it does.

it does.

it does.

and you know it.

or you wouldn’t be here 🙂

 

from me: I'm working on writing a sober fiction book, and i think i'm going to work this INTO the novel...

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

  • “now you’re going to argue (wolfie) that maybe the 2 pm thing is dumb and who cares, and you’ll just do it next weekend.”

    I’ve been saying that to myself (and making a virtue of it) for years. I’m beginning to understand why, after 30-odd days.

  • This soooo brings me back. Sunday and Saturday were special “me time” – I’d clear my schedule to do absolutely nothing and have drinks and watch tv. I’d call In sick for any planned activity. It was so cozy and sneaky at the time… but now I realize it was just a prison. I can’t believe how much stuff I can fit into a weekend now (only if I want to, of course). And how luxurious a hot bath feels after I’ve done what needs to be done. It took some time to get here, but it was soooo worth it. I never believed but thank god I trusted the process.

  • ..you’re afraid of something new AND you’re in a place of inertia AND you think that staring at your socked feet is an activity.

    Love this and I loved the new car analogy. Reminded me of learning to drive a manual transmission. The sputtering, the lurching forward then rolling back and stalling out. Just like learning to stay sober.

    I feel most of me has been “evolving” but the drinking has stunted that growth. I’ll never get to where and who I want to be while I’m still thinking about drinking.

    Thinking about sobriety as something I can learn to do better and eventually have it become second nature, like driving a stick, helps me immensely. It shifts my perspective. It gives me control! Ah! See I just evolved a little!

  • I can’t tell you how many things I have have been looking forward to that I missed or did halfway because I was drinking or hung over. This is one of my main motivations for not doing that any longer.

  • Yeah, I keep about 50% of my appointments.
    Still, thats50% more meetings, coffees, dates that I was doing when I was pouring wine down my throat from 4 am most days!
    love alwaz
    mike

  • YES, I love this.

    Regretting that I wasted so much time staring at my socks but realizing I can’t change the past…I can only change the now and after.

    Forging on! Day 38….haven’t felt this free, clear headed and just plain good in many years. 😉

  • 4 days today, but I do feel this time something has changed – a shift in thinking. For one thing I have spent the past 4 days reading blogs and literature about being sober . i have been to the market to stock up on cranberry and lime juice. I have signed up to a 5K. i have listed the reasons why I do want to stop drinking. I have spent hours reading, and then finding alternative pastimes to fill the new hours, like theatre tickets and special bubble bath.
    Thank you for your posts – they inspire me and help me understand that although the wolf is never far from the door, I want want want to evolve and not be afraid any more.