dear alcohol: you lied to me

from my inbox

email from TickleMeShelmo (day 26):

“Dear alcohol,

Firstly, this is the hardest decision I’ve ever made, but make it I must. It’s over. We are finished.

For years I thought we were amazing together. Life with you made the world seem more colourful. You made me feel whole, feel important and feel loved by those we met. You have me the strength to do things I’d never have done without you. 

There was a reason for that.

You lied to me, all of this time. Lie after lie after lie. You told me I was funny, but I wasn’t – I was attention seeking and shaming myself and others. I would share secrets and inappropriate and intimate details because you said it was ok. You told me I could do what I liked – but the casual sex, the flirting, the drug taking – it damaged me more than I’ll ever know. You told me that responsibilities were bullshit – and now I’m trying to sort out years of debt and irresponsible decision making.

The whole time I believed you were showing me real life. Life in glorious colour; busy; hectic; fucked up; hedonistic. But it was a lonely, sad life of hidden pain and selfishness.

The things you told me were just bullshit lies to keep me with you. There’s an odd feeling of achievement in the little things in life; clean washing, an early night, a monogamous relationship, a well cooked meal, holding hands with someone you love. Life without you is calm and peaceful. Don’t mix that up with boring – it isn’t. It’s fun. It’s reliable. It’s better.

So this is goodbye. It’s not me – it’s you.”

[update: she’s on day 618 today]


 

links:

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I’m tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

6 thoughts to “dear alcohol: you lied to me”

  1. I love this last part…it’s so true. You learn to appreciate the little things so much more when you’re not anesthetized…drunk or having a low grade hangover.

    KB

    1. hi you, you might find that you do better with more support. lots of things to read and listen to here. don’t drift too far from your sober supports. hugs from me

  2. I love this!! Booze is a liar. I defended it so many times. I thought booze life was what the cool kids do. I had all my life struggled to fit in and feel like I had true friends and family. Booze changed that in my head– so I thought. But really there is much more to life. With booze you can’t make real friendships, it’s all just bar talk.

  3. So true. Funny but tragic all at the same time. It was so easy to ‘remember’ being the witty, outrageous, life and soul of the party … until the photos and damaged friendships and other reminders of reality surfaced. Never again!!!!

  4. So true. Alcohol lied to me all the time, but I feel like sobriety lied to me too (or, perhaps I simply don’t like the truth that I can’t bury under wine…yeah, it’s probably that one). Day 24 today. I made it 6 months last time, but I did it alone. This time, as of today, I’m choosing to engage in blogs and search for more support.

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