(from thursday august 4)
a day of chaos. At 6 p.m. the computer crashed and it took AN HOUR to recover Outlook, all the chart updates from the morning were lost, T. seems to not know I’m away, L. from job #1 emailing @ 6 a.m. and 6 p.m. Argh. Worked to 7:30 p.m. frustratedly. This is supposed to be my offline time. From now on, i have to save/close all files every time so that if it crashes, i can avoid this whole restore thing. Every time. This cannot happen again. (you have a new day 1, you review what happened, you do not do the same thing again.)
Not everyone learns from their mistakes or from their weird situations. It’s surprising, really, our capacity for not-learning. My husband does this: nearly trips over the box by the dining room table, but he doesn’t move it. I’ll just be more careful next time (try harder) he says. Really? Why? Why isn’t one time, the first time, enough. Booze in the house makes you feel weird? Remove it, ask your partner to store it where you can’t see it and if they ‘forget’ you can also forget what you’re doing and pour it out.
If you trip on a box, then you move it – you don’t ‘try harder’ to avoid it.
I’m not really talking about a paralysis of trying to prevent or foresee every eventuality. I’m talking about small, sensible, realistic adjustments. You relapsed last time when meeting your friends for dinner. This time i’ll be careful. OR you could assess, pivot five degrees, and see your friends (a) for brunch, (b) for lunch, (c) at your place for a potluck indian meal where you all make new recipes from cookbooks, (d) meet them when you’re 6+ weeks sober or beyond.
But Belle, that’s not realistic. I can’t move all the boxes that are on the floor, not even those right by my chair, not even the one i tripped on yesterday.
(Side note. Bottom drawer was pulled out, I got up, and turned forgetting the drawer was open, fell hard on concrete, knocked myself out for a few seconds, scared the clients in my office, scared myself, left the store with cash register open to go get help, got off relatively easy (bruised head to waste, chiropractic for months). Did i ever (and i mean EVER) have that bottom drawer pulled all the way open (and leave it like that) again? No. Because me, when i personally was doing my ‘best’ … i had fallen hard. That was me at my best, trying hard. and i fell hard. so do i try hard again? or do i remove the obstacle. (But it was only once, but i can’t avoid all of the triggers…) Can you move some of the boxes, close some of the open drawers?
What’s the fascination with seeing how few changes, how little support, the least amount of the time we can spend, the least a mount on money on support on treats. For what? To have a new day 1? What’s the fascination with running on such a small margin? Stop this shit. Stop it right now. Put some gas in your sober car, move the box, close the drawer; learn from errors.
AND put some other preventative things in place. Stop falling down. Just. Stop. It.