for me, it’s about doing something—not waiting for the feelings to shift. sometimes i have to put jumper cables on the battery. Sometimes i have to push the car down a slight incline and pop the clutch. there is no waiting to feel like it. the car does not start with willpower. the car does not start with you saying “this is my day 1, i’m quitting drinking today.” the car starts with you doing something. (“oh but i am doing something, i’m SAYING that i’m starting, that’s something.” and i say: and if you restart, then you know that saying “this is day 1” isn’t enough of a push so you—wait for it—do something else. to start the car.)
there is no waiting to feel like it. there is no click (“i’m waiting for something to click.”) this waiting? life is sifting and sorting and shifting and moving. and you’re standing there saying “i just have to feel like it. i have my own little rules, belle, i have to have the first of the month, or the moon spots, or after the vacation. i have to feel like it, belle. well yes, i HAVE been standing here for years as my life sifts and sorts and moves by, but belle i’ve been waiting to feel like it. yes, i’ve been waiting for a while, but that means i must be close, right? like if i wait to feel like it just a bit more, then the car will fucking start by itself because i WILL it to do so. no? you mean i have to put gas in the car, put the key in the ignition, get driving lessons, change the oil, check the tire pressure, put my hands on the wheel, slow down in snowstorms, tune into a better station on the radio? well belle, that sounds like too much effort, i’d rather stand here and will that fucking car to start. i’d rather not bother learning to drive a car, so many things to consider. what? a car can take me places? places that i can’t even see now, yet, at all? smacks of effort, belle. if sobriety is like a little car, then it sounds like driving is taking on too much.”
said no one, ever.
because you do, in fact, drive a car, think nothing of it, do what needs to be done, learn the things you need to learn, do the maintenance, because you LIKE the trade-off. you LIKE what the car can do for you. where it can take you. where does your sober car take you?
there is no waiting to feel like being sober. there is no click. there’s a numbing and a progressive giving-up-ness. the way to feel better is to stop pouring the booze on your head. NO SHIT it’s overwhelming and hard: you’re bathing in “can’t give a shit” liquid. you’re looking for a click to quit drinking in a bottle of anaesthetic.
you hand over choice, coherency, balance and sense-making. you wait to feel like it? the booze has dulled the switch, the electricity barely flowing. and when you’re in that state of darkness, your poor brain will tell you that the only thing that makes sense is to drink more. and so you do.
(except you’re here, reading this, so i know something that you don’t.)
so you do, you drink more. until you hear this: there is no waiting to feel like it. there is just beginning. the feeling like it comes later. the mood changes after the action. you can stop waiting now. if you were waiting for a click, here it is.