not in a creepy way

from my inbox:

JenniferKay: “I settled down last night. I ran 45 minutes this morning; I bought a huge coffee; I’m feeling better. I think there is some panicking because I know that I’m not going to drink, and I’m stuck with dealing with wanting to drink, and when I’m in the midst of it, it’s really…debilitating…is that too dramatic…it’s exhausting…it’s all I can think about…I was trying to talk to my husband, and he really doesn’t understand…it’s not his fault, of course, but Jesus…someone please do this for me!!! He said that I seem more miserable without drinking than I did when I was drinking…thanks honey!!!…

 

It’s interesting to me that I can read into anything. For example, when I don’t think that I have a problem, I see the line that says…if you’re not sure, you probably don’t have a problem.  When I think I do have a problem, I see the line that says…if you suspect you have a problem, you probably do. Then, I read sober blogs about people who decide to go back to drinking, and I think I was like them, I could go back and drink and forget this ever happened. Then, I read sober blogs that talk about the greatness of sobriety, and I think I can stick with it and see how great it is, and be one of those reverse cool people who is very chic and doesn’t drink.

So this journey…uggghhh…or…awesome…depending on the moment/second!!! xoxo”

me:  you know you’re not going to drink and so you panic that you might have a feeling. and you do have feelings. and it’s not that interesting. you have a feeling and then they fade out. the dramatic stuff will be short-lived and not very often. and those people on sober blogs who go back to drinking? I don’t know of any one – not one person – who successfully moderated afterwards. they usually regret the decision, restart later, change their name and restart their blogs, email me for a new day 1, and/or just disappear because they’re embarrassed … I literally get hundreds of emails – god, I got one today that said: “I was sober for 13 years, had ‘a glass of wine’ and it took me 11 years to get a new day 1.” these are the real stories. the rest is wolfie window dressing.

you can choose which sober blogs you read. people who are happily sober. or people who listening to wolfie and trying to rationalize their behaviour. hugs.

JenniferKay: “Is it wrong to love you??? Not in a creepy way, I love you. You make me laugh, and you point out things in a way that I cannot see them. Seriously, I need a t-shirt that says…What would Belle do? in a super cute font.”

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I’m tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

7 thoughts to “not in a creepy way”

  1. Aw…Jennifer’s comment is so cute. I think a lot of us love you 🙂 And to the 13 years, one drink, and 11 years to get back to day one. That’s terrifying. So I’ll deal with the uncomfortable moments when they arise. They do suck, but they’re so much better than the alternative.

  2. I love the idea of a shirt or mug the says “what would Belle do”
    I also want a shirt that says “reverse cool person”…I love that!

  3. This love is a real love. I was a real doubter of the internet social world until I just dived in. It is real support, real love, real recovery out here. I’m so glad you reached out for help.

  4. Your words JenniferKay describe the merry-go-round in my head…”that I’m not going to drink, and I’m stuck with dealing with wanting to drink, and when I’m in the midst of it, it’s really…debilitating…is that too dramatic…it’s exhausting…it’s all I can think about” Yes, debilitating and exhausting and fricken dramatic. I’m astonished when I read about someone with so much sobriety being derailed so many years later. Jeez.

    I’m going to remember that line Belle, “wolfie window dressing.

  5. “and those people on sober blogs who go back to drinking? I don’t know of any one – not one person – who successfully moderated afterwards. they usually regret the decision, restart later, change their name and restart their blogs, email me for a new day 1, and/or just disappear because they’re embarrassed”

    *raises hand* Yep, been there, done that.

  6. I agree belle is hugely lovable.. !! Day 5 today and determined. Am engaging with blog posting, reading and replying, as part of my “trying different!”

  7. The 13 years of sobriety and 11 years to get back … they were lucky to get back. MANY people with long term sobriety who choose to “pick up the first drink” … DIE. I have witnessed two people with over 25 yrs of sobriety “go out” and die in a short period of time … yes, alcoholism is progressive and fatal. Therefore, the gratitude for our sobriety.

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