that won’t work for me

from me:

We’re prickly, you and I. We’re a difficult bunch. We make up our minds – I do – without enough information. We stick to decisions long past the time when they’re useful. We over-invest in anus colleagues. We bristle at playing the ‘reindeer’ games at the office but then resent when we’re not included in said games.

We’re prickly, you and me. If you offer to help me but you don’t ask me the ‘right’ way, I’ll say no. Automatically. I’ll prance around saying look at me, right up until you do look, and then I’ll retreat. Prickly. If I smell that you don’t need me as much as I need you, I’ll sulk.

It’s hard to be prickly and also want to be sober, because our natural gut-instinct, first-response, default answer is “that won’t work for me.” No matter what’s being presented. We didn’t think of it ourselves, therefore it won’t work.

I’ll do it my way, we say. I say.

We try to be sober our way. It doesn’t really work. And since we’re invested in reading about sobriety, then our drinking isn’t a problem (says wolfie). Because ‘real’ problem drinkers probably aren’t even aware of it.

And we are. So we’re better. Than ‘them’.

We lurk on sober blogs (read without engaging; follow without investing; consume without paying) because – if you’re like me – you’re not sure you want to really invest. Yourself, your energy, your time, your money. Wolfie insists that you read with only one eye, that you keep one foot in the “maybe I’ll drink later” camp.

You think I can’t see you there, and I can. Lurking. You don’t think about carrots. You don’t over-carrotize. You’re here because you do think about drinking. You do over-drink.

Time to step up.

 [originally sent as a micro-email november 5, 2015]

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I’m tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

10 thoughts to “that won’t work for me”

  1. When I was on the last 30 days of Belle’s 100-day challenge I comforted myself with thoughts of the gallons of Margaritas I was going to drink after the 100 days was over = one foot in the “maybe I’ll drink later” camp. Something happened along the way, just as she said it would. I realized how much time I have wasted and how many horrendous mistakes I have made and all the bad things that have occurred because of my drinking.

    When I finished Belle’s 100-day challenge (after 2 years of restarts), Belle contacted me to see if I wanted to join the 180-day challenge. I said, “No, thank you, I’m moving on.” In reality what I was saying was, “I’d prefer to keep one foot in the maybe I’ll drink later camp.”

    So, Belle, may I please join the 180-day challenge now? I am on day 156 and all those people all over town pounding down the holiday booze are making me think crazy thoughts.

  2. Hi Belle!
    This post was great and just what I needed! I hit my 3 year mark in October and STILL have my foot in the “maybe I’ll drink later” camp. The “it’s not fair, forget all of this sober business” camp. The “I think I can finally just have ONE drink” camp. But deep down, I know it’s wolfie. One drink? All of this sobriety for ONE drink? HA!

    1. You make a good point SoberKat.
      In my case it wouldn’t be trading sobriety for one drink, it would be trading it for one drinking binge. I would really need to make it worth my while.

      Congrats on year 3.

  3. Love those final words: “You’re here because you DO think about drinking. You DO over-drink.” Ugh. And yes. And amen. And indeed, like the website says, I’m TIRED of thinking about drinking. Thanks for this.

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