prickly

We’re prickly, you and I. We’re a difficult bunch. We make up our minds – I do – without enough information. We stick to decisions long past the time when they’re useful. We over-invest in anus colleagues. We bristle at playing the ‘reindeer’ games at the office but then resent when we’re not included in said games.
We’re prickly, you and me. If you offer to help me but you don’t ask me the ‘right’ way, I’ll say no. Automatically. I’ll prance around saying look at me, right up until you do look, and then I’ll retreat. Prickly. If I smell that you don’t need me as much as I need you, I’ll sulk.

It’s hard to be prickly and also want to be sober, because our natural gut-instinct, first-response, default answer is “that won’t work for me.” No matter what’s being presented. We didn’t think of it ourselves, therefore it won’t work.

I’ll do it my way, we say. I say.

We try to be sober our way. It doesn’t really work. And since we’re invested in reading about sobriety, then our drinking isn’t a problem (says wolfie). Because ‘real’ problem drinkers probably aren’t even aware of it.

And we are. So we’re better. Than ‘them’.

We lurk on sober blogs (read without engaging; follow without investing; consume without paying) because – if you’re like me – you’re not sure you want to really invest. Yourself, your energy, your time, your money. Wolfie insists that you read with only one eye, that you keep one foot in the “maybe I’ll drink later” camp.

You think I can’t see you there, and I can. Lurking. You don’t think about carrots. You don’t over-carrotize. You’re here because you do think about drinking. You do over-drink.

Time to step up.

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

12 thoughts on “prickly

  1. I do enjoy your blog so very much and have committed to the 100 day challenge. I appreciate your work and your followers stories as well. I just dont have any spare cash to purchase any of the programs you sell. Which is partly why ive quit drinking as well. Im broke but i am so glad ive found your blog. Your work is valuable and someday perhaps ill be able to pay it forward to you. Until then, i hope you are able to continue to provide some amount of support at no cost through your blogs. I am on day 5 and very excited (somewhat scared) for the journey.
    Cheers Belle,
    Jess

  2. from Newt: This has massively touched a nerve. If you write so well about me and you don’t even know me, then we are the same. But you have stopped.

  3. Great reminder, Belle. You give so much and never ask for anything in return. But what’s really hit me, is that I wouldn’t think twice about spending crazy amounts on stupid drinks, and yet, I hesitated to sign up for a monthly subscription to your podcasts. Duh? So I signed up a while back and it’s the BEST freaking $$ I’ve ever spent on myself! Now, you go with me everywhere and instead of Wolfie whispering in my ear, I hear Belle whispering….you can do this! Thanks Belle!

  4. from chso: Jeepers – its like that was written directly and precisely to me, only – where I’m at right this very moment Today … will try harder to step up cause much as all this ‘is so hard to do’, I know deep down I’m not trying hard enough. I don’t try as hard as I do when I go to the gym to do a class – there I dig deep and really really bust my gut to do what is asked of me…

  5. from Wild Mustang: This is perfect for me. I am a lurker. The only thing you have wrong is that I am not calling anyone “them”. I know I have an issue and problem. It’s just very hard to say I’ll never drink again – because if I truly invest that means I have to face myself in the mirror when and if I fail. And the failure sucks … You stop believing you can do it. So you lurk. You watch others succeed and you hope that the things you are doing will work too.

    I know I am doing the same thing every time – and yet I expect different results. Einstein’s definition of insanity. And yet we do it. Why? I don’t know. I am trying everyday to figure it out. To break the cycle. It’s hard to think about forever.

    So today I am just thinking about today. About making it thru today. This is something new for me because in the past I would think about getting to 100 days. The end. Now I am in the moment …

    1. I’m right there with you. Day 1 for me…finding this blog and taking the “test” is my ‘different this time’. I hope I don’t have to look at a failure face this time. . . Just reaching for one day at a time. 🙂 -J

  6. This is me exactly. In every aspect of my life, even before I was a drinker. I am prickly about a ton of things. I guess I just finally got so sick of alcohol having control of me that I had no choice but to stop being prickly about needing to call myself out and admit that I really couldn’t do it by myself. The sober jumpstart, the podcasts, just knowing that there are so many other people like me struggling and making it is helping a lot. I still have a huge fear of failing, even here in the cyber world, but I am so much better off for trying. Every step is important.

  7. from Boo: Wow! this is just brilliant!! Made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up…. Right to the core of it. Amazing – and hard – to read. Thank you. xx

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