worrying should be an olympic sport

here’s what i know about me:

i can create stress. i can wake up late at night on a friday night, when i have to deliver a wedding cake in the morning, and realize that my foreign-citizen-resident-permit is going to expire on monday. which i knew. but i had forgotten that monday was going to be another random bank holiday. it’s weird to live in one place and follow the holidays of another place. i really never know what’s going on here.

so on friday night, before delivering the cake – at 3 a.m. mind you – i wake up at night, sit in front of the computer, and verify that monday (yesterday) is a holiday. and i do some quick research on ‘expired cards’.

here’s the part you can relate to:

i found one random personal blogger, not a person with any experience with this, but she was just writing about residence cards in general. and she said “if you let your card expire, they deport you.”

yeah. imagine reading that at 3 a.m. and i believed her.  because if it’s on the internet it must be true …

I am acquainted with worrying. I am a master worrier. I didn’t want to wake up Mr. B and ruin his sleep too, so i just waited. told him in the morning.  He said “it’ll be fine.” and i’m like “holy you are not taking this seriously.”

we mock-planned what we’d do if deported. we delivered a wedding cake in 25C temperatures commuting there for over an hour and the icing didn’t melt. and then once it was done, i bought my phone (thanks to the tiny gift button and JP’s generosity).

and then i set about worrying full-time about the card. i mean, the wedding is done.  now it’s time to worry about something else.

this morning, tuesday, day after the holiday, we go to the appropriate office. we wait in line in the cold outside for 2 hrs. we get inside and there’s a nice man who gives us our extension cards, and then says have a nice day. he says nothing about the expiry. not one word. we were braced for a yelling. we were braced for someone giving us shit for not knowing the local vacations after living here 6 years. we were braced for a fine (which is how they would have handled it at home). we were braced (unhappily) for deportation.

and we got nothing. not one single word.

i hate it when my husband is right.

we had a very delicious huge lovely lunch treat in a random restaurant that turned out to be super excellent. He went to work, i went to sleep. finally. slept an hour then watched videos ON MY PHONE in bed.

now. i still have a chaotic fridge with bits of leftover catering food.  and i do have a very full inbox (sorry!) that i’m working my way through.  i’ve been a crappy sober penpal for at least a week. this wedding thing? this residence card thing? yeah. this stuff has to stop now. i might have a natural tendency to resist being bored, but i’m going to do some ‘bored’ right now. it’s 9:00 pm here. i’m about to have leftovers, watch a documentary for the second time (have you seen “Dear Zachary”?), and then i’m going to take my phone to bed.

i’ll get caught up on my emails over the next few days. then i’m taking the weekend to go to the beach. can’t wait. le sigh.

ps. dear universe. i got it. message received. you scared with me with the residence card thing. i will stop the procrastinating. i will evolve right now. i get it. enough already. message received. i’ll do what i need to do now so that i can have the results that i want later (sound like sobriety much?). today is my day 1 of anti-procrastination. i’m going to do 100 days of taking care of me even if i resist. and i’m going to reduce adrenaline to some freakishly low, as yet unheard of level.

and you?

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

9 thoughts on “worrying should be an olympic sport

  1. You and your mind are totally resonating with me and my mind right now! We seem to be living in a parallel universe for vastly different reasons. Procrastination is the devil in this house as we prepare to depart the madness of Southern Calif for the backward peace of the Big Island of Hawai’i, 1 month from today.

    Every cupboard, every drawer & every closet is crammed full of shit from yesteryear in this 5 bedroom house. And I mean shit comes tumbling out of crevices I didn’t know existed. It all just screams, “make a decision; keep me or toss me!” So, rather than do that, I look at the open drawers, cupboards & closets placing thoughtful boxes marked “save” and “throw” sitting in the middle and I do nothing. But to everyone who comes to the door it all looks very enterprising and pro-active. The stage is set, but it is easier to worry, procrastinate and let the countdown continue. Movers come to pack in 2.5 weeks. I know this and the time for decisions will expire….just like your resident permit. Why do I gingerly approach the screaming pile of collective shit, halt and make a u-turn? Are the decisions that hard?

  2. If it is on the internet it must be true!?
    Right On!
    Because I just read this:

    ‘Jonathan Rhys Meyers Apologizes for ‘Minor Relapse’ After Drinking Photos Surface: ‘This Was Just a Blip in My Recovery “I apologize for having a minor relapse and hope that people don’t think too badly of me. I stopped drinking immediately and it is no reflection on Damascus Cover as I was not meant to attend Cannes this year and I apologize to fans and colleagues.”‘

    Check this out! I may not ACTUALLY be on day 10 tomorrow – I may in fact be on day 60!

    My ‘slip’ 10 days ago (after logging 50 days in the challenge) doesn’t actually count…..based on this guy’s logic anyway 🙂

    What a relief!

  3. Yeah, Belle, I can resonate with that. Especially the part when it all turns out to be a thing in your head, no punishment, nothing. And the giant relief afterwards.
    Glad you were able to enjoy that with your husband! And even as a european I must say that the random holidays here drive me crazy!

    What I find difficult is when you finally get better at stopping the procrastinating, but a family member (dad) won’t stop (“you have to change your life NOW!”) and he just drives you out of your mind, makes you feel really shitty and bad – for making HIM feel bad.

    My dad is terrified about my life (which is indeed really difficult at the moment as a freelancing mom – and getting sober was a great first step to make it a lot better already!!!! thx Belle) and really “suffers” on the phone – quietly blaming me for making HIM feel worried and bad etc. And, no, I’m not 15 and I don’t live at “home” anymore. BUT I have to ask him to help my out financially because there is no other way at the moment.

    I do firmly believe things will get better eventually (I was injured in 4 accidents in the past 12 months also – really crazy, I was not “guilty” but I couldn’t work enough, have to get well first). He puts so much stress on me – even without having much contact or saying it out loud. I just doesn’t “get” the whole situation, only that it is “terrible”. Wish I could just wipe that out of my mind.

    Guilt and shame about not being good enough and disappointing for my father, having to ask him for help. It’s such a cliché, I know. Hard to get away from these feelings though.

    BEING SOBER HELPS SO MUCH because I know I would feel a hell of a lot worse now, if I would still be drinking. I would have probably drank a lot more than I should have yesterday, because I had so many “good” reasons! Instead, I am clear headed today and feel strong and will keep on paving the road to my new life. Maybe I will plant some flowers on the side today.

    Hugs, Ava

  4. It’s 1:33 a.m. and this post just reminded me that my passport expires soon. And I live in a foreign country. Le sigh indeed.

  5. This is sooo me! My husband is on a Visa too and I have spent days worry about it. I worry about EVERYTHING. I think it’s called OCD. I’m trying to let go. I thought after I quit drinking for a bit it would, but it seems it’s gotten worse. Thank you for letting realize I’m not the only feakish worrier out there.

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