why are you avoiding better?

may i please just use this space to complain. no need for a response. i am just going to vent. mostly i’m talking toΒ  myself:

  1. dear self. enough with the fucking sore shoulder, do you think that rolling out pastry for 50 individuals pies yesterday was going to go unnoticed? holy shoulder batman. i’m going to physio next week. i have to. even if they can’t help ‘nerve pain’ i have to try. and i’m going to complain to my doctor. she’ll order an ultrasound. i’ll waste more time waiting for non-answers. but i’m going to do it. argh. [we suffer a long time before we start to TRY things that we’re SURE won’t work for us because our pain is SPECIAL. jesus.]
  2. dear self. the idea of a second fridge, while entirely useful for a large catering job, is in fact too loud to be right by my head in the office. I hear it all day. OK, there are 50 potpies in there, and the fucking fridge had to run for 4 hrs to cool it down properly. what i need is a big commercial fridge. yeah, like that’ll be quieter. the noise. i thought it was pigeons on the balcony. that’s the noise this new fridge is making. i’m going to return it. just as soon as i deliver the fucking potpies tomorrow morning. [as a group, we are overly sensitive. to everything. to noise, to smells, to exhaustion, to overwhelm, to dog food commercials.]
  3. dear self. that one bread product that’s due tomorrow that you have not made even ONCE in advance to make sure the recipe works, that’s just foolish. in the extreme. you watch yourself not doing the trial, because why? because you’re worried it won’t work. and instead, maybe it will work, and you could have retired this thought from your head 3 weeks ago. and if it doesn’t work, what are you going to do tomorrow morning when it’s catering delivery time? why are you setting yourself up like this? you haven’t slept through the night properly in weeks (shoulder + catering). yes, you keep running, yes you’re smiling, yes you’re making dinner for your husband, yes it’s sunny (but cold). yes. yes. But it could be BETTER. why are you avoiding BETTER? What the fuck is it about you that makes slamming your hand in a car door seem like a good idea? [when there’s an easy way to do something, we choose the hard way.]
  4. dear self. your reward for finishing this fucking wedding catering is an iphone. you’ve done this noble no-phone thing long enough. there are apps out there that you you probably ‘need’ – all this printing out maps on paper and then getting lost on the highway? that has to stop. and the truly embarrassing and shameful and embarrassing (and embarrassing) thing is that JP in Team 100 was so amazingly generous and she GAVE you $x00 using the tiny gift button. In November. Yeah, 6 months ago. And you haven’t bought yourself a treat yet. This is a shame. Truly. What is up with you? You kept telling her (and yourself) that you hadn’t found the RIGHT treat. you didn’t want to ‘waste’ the gift. you weren’t sure you needed a kitchenaid stand mixer so you did a month’s research. and then didn’t buy it. you’re doing all of this catering without a stand mixer. are you high? JP said this: “Hi Belle Here is a donation for you! Thank you so much for all you do! xo jp” And you’ve just sat there, staring at it this money. Is it that you think you don’t deserve it? does it feel totally scary when people give you money that you think you haven’t ‘earned’ … buy an iphone, OK. just get over yourself. buy an iphone 6, black, with a data package. and then play video games on the metro like everyone else. [the amount of money isn’t important here, the feeling of ‘not good enough’ is.]
  5. dear self. the last time you catered a wedding you had 3 people come and help you. you were just over one year sober, and you were very careful to avoid overwhelm. Now you can handle more, and you don’t feel wobbly in your sobriety, but that does NOT mean you don’t still need help. yes this wedding job is much smaller than the last one. and yes you did it all in advance (except for the bread product). but if you had someone doing it with you, it would have been easier, been done on time, you’d have been more organized, and you wouldn’t have had to do it alone. what’s with the alone nonsense? Stephanie offered twice to help and you said no. What’s up with that? You didn’t NEED her help? [take their milkshakes.]
  6. dear self. your life may seem glamorous to others. the european location, the first-world-problems of catering. you’re still a regular human with regular problems. these same problems will surface whether you’re trying to figure out how to carpool to the sports event, or how you’re going to get all the studying done, or if you’re catering a wedding at the embassy. you’re the same person in each thing. the problems are the same. you haven’t upgraded to a more ‘glamorous’ setting. you’re still you. don’t let anyone (Eleanor!) think you have it all figured out. you don’t. be among. [being sober longer means i finally get to use some of my brain resources on this stuff, instead of using all of my available brain resources on avoiding wolfie. don’t i make long-term sobriety sound great? hahaha].
  7. and finally, note to self: don’t do it like this again, OK? No kidding. you have to evolve now. enough fucking around. sleep all day on sunday. borrow someone’s car and drive to the water. do a long run. eat incredibly ridiculous food (pastrami! pizza! imported potato chips!). Then clean off your desk, OK?

[please read this with the spirit intended. if i get a lot of ‘must be nice to have THOSE problems’ then you’re missing the point. and if i get a lot of “you’re being too hard on yourself” – then yes, that is the point. why are we so hard on ourselves? why the hand-slamming? what does it serve?]

oh and ps, it’s beautifully sunny, and while i haven’t slept well this week, the catering is finished tomorrow afternoon and then i’ll be so freaking happy i can FEEL that feeling already. the feeling of it being done. of delivering the 9 layer cake, the 50 pot pies, the cheesecakes, the bread product. i want to transport myself THERE. and yet, i’m here. because i have things to learn here. things about hand-slamming. things about (more often) downloading the contents of my head so that it doesn’t spin too loudly.

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

30 thoughts to “why are you avoiding better?”

  1. Good luck Belle! Buy your iPhone and go get your shoulder sorted out……and BE KINDER TO YOURSELF!!!!! Huggies, Cocomac xxxx

  2. I think I recognise quite a lot of the underlying causes of the bad feelings here and the procrastination that caused them. In my case, there’s also an element of perfectionism which may be there in yours, but only you would know about that. Also in my case there’s a possibility that I’m addicted tot the drama of the chaos when things are on a knife-edge – can I finish this in time, do I have enough resources, can I push myself that little bit harder?

    If we don’t aim high, if we don’t push ourselves beyond our comfort zone we’ll never find out if we can be the person we want to be, but that doesn’t mean we have to be awake at 3.40am venting next time – this time yes, it was necessary, apparently, but next time it won’t be.

    You’re doing brilliantly. You’re pushing yourself, you’ve figured out all the practical steps you could have taken that would have prevented these problems. That’s called learning!

    It’s not often you post about finding stuff difficult; good on you for going public even after being sober all this time.

    Hugs, restful sleep and *coping vibes* to see you through to Sunday.

  3. My dad told me once, when I was maybe 10, “If there is a hard way to do something Trixie, you’ll find it.”
    He sort of meant it as a compliment, because I would teach myself how to make something from scratch, starting with a fairly difficult project, rather than starting easy or just asking to have someone buy it for me.

    But, compliment or not, and good results with the project or not, it is a trait that still sticks with me. I often think it leads me to procrastination as well, if I don’t think what I’m doing is really ‘worth’ my effort, or I don’t think it will turn out perfectly, I put it off until I’m at the edge of the cliff.

    Now…go get your shoulder looked at. If you’re going to carry all that weight by yourself, you’re going to need it and some good sleep. And unless you sleep on your back and you never roll over, or sleep in a huge pile of marshmallows or feathers or both (?) sleeping with a painful shoulder is nearly impossible.

    XO

    1. yes, this cliff-edge-ness. it’s so true. i’m making the flatbread trial now, and i’m saying to myself “do this. this is how you get unstuck.”

  4. Hugs to you Belle! You will rock this catering job and the relief you will feel on Sunday will be awesome πŸ™‚

  5. So I am reading this and I want to scream “STOP”. πŸ™‚ And deep breath!! It will be great because I know in my heart you are great. You so deserve ease and calm.

    DH made me get the 6 a couple of months ago. I do like it and so will you.

    Stay sober.

    1. oh i’m definitely staying sober! and i’m maybe getting that phone tomorrow right after i deliver the food!

      Oh, and update, trial #2 of the flatbread is fine. so i’ll be using this one tomorrow.

  6. hmmpph! Wishing for you the deepest sleep possible, the calmest, most relaxing weekend ever and I won’t even start with the “Belle, you of all people should know better than to get your self in this completely overwhelmed state….” because I know you know that and it would sound all uppity and snitty and it isn’t supposed to….but wow girl….what happened to taking care of yourself, pampering yourself, rewarding yourself and getting those darn treats – go get the phone already!!!!!

    1. what’s funny is that i’m not overwhelmed. i’m just profoundly lazy/tired at the same time. And i’m so ready for this thing to be over. just because it was long. and boring. and felt too much like work πŸ™‚ phone comes tomorrow. when it’s all done.

  7. Yes, guilty as charged. Guilty of thinking you have it all figured out. We should know better. It’s you teaching us again Belle. This time reminding us that sober is not a destination but a journey. Sometimes an adventure of discovery and sometimes a dismal slog. Like life itself, fully lived. There you go, inspiring again. : – )

  8. On your point #2. I was just tested for alzheimers (I don’t have it). the neurologist said the test results indicated someone predisposed to addictions. You guessed it, sensitive to noise, overload, generally ‘goosey’. That’s us. So now, don’t do this to yourself again, please. Take care of you.

  9. I loved reading this entry, Belle. You relay here that like many of the humans on this planet, you struggle-at times-with the slamming of that car door.
    This is an entry I am going to be reading again – to remind myself to be kinder to my own self and in turn, others.
    *Be Among*.
    I love that so much.
    Wishing you well and here is to staying in the moment, regardless of shitty feelings.
    An iPhone purchase?
    Dwahmn, Woman-you, GO!
    I still have a 3G, Baby. Keepin’it ole-skool.
    Ha, ha, ha, HA! – you are splendid, really.

      1. … that is completely how I felt, Belle … and I remember my friends and family being aghast that I finally got one. Ironically, it was cheaper to get an ” i ” thing versus sticking to my tried and true flip phone ( I am cracking UP, here ) … will you be posting photos of your phone, Belle? … you must!
        ‘Cause it’s how the world rolls in 2015, ‘baby’-your phone ‘selfie’…your ‘phelfie’?
        Rock, onnnnnn.

  10. I think I musta meant ” hand-slamming ” in my commentary , above … well, whatever it is that I meant, I love reading about when someone is feeling less than shiny, happy ( and not because I am sadistic ) – but because it makes the individual more relatable and reminds me that everyone has their own set of challenges.
    Getting through crappy feelings in a sober state is a victory in and of itself. Most people reach for the bottle ( or many ). Hell. I know, I did!
    Keep truckin’, Belle. And thank you for the e-mail reminder to check your blog. I do want to check in more frequently. Be well, All.

  11. LOL! I literally laughed out loud at this post, Belle! You are too much. You sound like an underbuyer rather than an over buyer. (read Gretchen Rubin; Better than Before, mastering the Habits of our Everyday Lives) Get the new frig, get the iphone6, get the kitchenaid mixer, and then take some time off. It is a 3 day weekend here in the states, so pretend your an American and enjoy the Memorial Day holiday.

    1. oh i know, i am totally an underbuyer. i have money given to me as a gift and then i can’t figure out how to spend it πŸ™‚ i know, first-world problems again. Mr. B is always saying to me “you can’t figure out how to spend it? give it to me and i’ll spend it on concerts and albums and new clothes …”

  12. I am exhausted reading that. it sounds so like me. glad you are almost done. while it was challenging to change from my dated blackberry to my samsung. i absolutely love it. hugs to you belle.

    1. as we type, my husband is standing there whipping the last batch of icing. 8 of 9 layers are done. then it’s on to decorating the cheesecakes. not bad. it’s 7:30 pm here. got LOTS of time before tomorrow at 3 pm … go me!

  13. Do they have massage therapists over in Europe who do treatment work? THAT’S what I’d do to you if you came to my place. Maybe weekly. Come to Seattle and I’ll gift you a good one. :)))

  14. Buy the iPhone 6 Belle AND the stand mixer AND go to the ocean AND eat the chips AND sleep on Sunday. I want to see photos soon OK?

    Good luck tomorrow

  15. A baker without a stand mixer ? A business owner without a IPhone ? Yes… it is time for change. Change is good ! Embrace it ! ps) your awesome xo

    1. ha. the stand mixers here are like $800. and i don’t have a phone cuz i don’t want them calling and interrupting. or calling at 4 a.m. b/c they can’t figure out the time change … i’ll adjust!

  16. Are you sure you aren’t typing out what’s in MY head? I laughed a lot – because I recognize myself in this and it pretty much sums up my day. “I’ll do it ALL myself, don’t need nobody!” and the overly sensitive part. And the part about not being good enough. And the … ha ha

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