anonymous confession booth – may 2015

step right up. for one day only, i’m creating an anonymous sober confession booth. i thought of this while doing dishes. I had my hands in warm water, and i thought “i wish that i could tell someone ‘this’ story” — you know, the story that was swirling around in my head.

Then i thought, OK, why not? Why don’t we tell our most shitty stories?

Well first off, i personally hate dwelling in the past — unnecessarily. Yes, sometimes we have to excavate. But i don’t want to wallow. And there’s a very fine line between the two. And then there’s the shame. and the guilt. yeah.

So here’s the deal.

  1. Post a comment below.

  2. For this to work you MUST leave your name and your email and your website address BLANK in the comments form (if you forget, i’ll go in and delete that info manually before the comment appears). all comments are to be anonymous.  one of the comments will be from me, you just won’t know which one.

  3. I have no way of personally knowing who posts what. Promise.

  4. In your comment, write two or three sentences (max.) about something that you’d like to be forgiven for that happened to you, or that you did, because of alcohol. For example, i’ll make one up: “I used to steal money from my drunk parents’ pockets when i was a kid, because they’d never notice and they were ignoring me anyway” … OR … “i crashed my mother’s car while drinking but claimed it was a hit and run.”

  5. Then take a second and post an anonymous ‘reply’ to one of the other comments already posted, and say something comforting, consoling, forgiving, kind.

i have a feeling that this will unfold in a lovely way. because you’re all lovely people. and we all have alcohol-related secrets. what’s yours?

PS. if your name/email automatically shows up when you start to enter a comment, you can manually delete them OR you can ‘log out’ of your blogging profile.

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

46 thoughts to “anonymous confession booth – may 2015”

  1. I picked fights with my partner, made myself cry, and generally was miserable to be around when drinking. It’s embarrassing to think about it now.

    1. Confession: when drunk I went to the neighbor’s backyard gate and let out their dog (who barked incessantly); the dog was hit by a car and killed.

      1. Aw, I would have done something like that. Im sure I have done something like that.

      2. Im sure it hurts when you think of it. I hope you feel better releasing it to the universe.

    2. You are worthy of love, the kind that feels warm and fuzzy. The quieter Wolfie gets, the better the love feels. Forgive yourself.

    1. Oh, I doubt that. We have all done some really shitty things. Whatever it was, it’s over and done.

    2. We all have crappy stuff believe me, the skeletons in my closet made so much noise I couldn’t sleep at night. The good thing is over time, sober time, they turn to dust and even if never entirely forgotten they at least can be put to rest.

  2. When I picked up my car from the tow lot after my 2nd DUI, my panties were under the passenger side seat. I only remember his first name and not what he looked like.

    1. I feel that shame too, I have faceless, nameless men in my past that when I think about I shudder inside. No more though! This body is sacred temple and I now treat it with only love.

  3. I was a complete dick when drinking. But my self loathing depressed irritated mental state post drinking is worse..

    1. You can’t change your past. You do have the opportunity to change your todays and tomorrows. It begins with loving and forgiving yourself. The more you fill yourself up, the more you will be able to pour out to others. That’s when redemption comes. Hang in there, treat yourself kindly. You can do it, and you will make a difference in your world.

  4. I went to work every day with a hangover and not enough sleep and always got in trouble in my job for being rude to people. I never thought I was, but maybe…..?

  5. All I remember is walking out of this fancy hotel at 4AM, the guy at the front desk looking at me with a smile and the man I left in that hotel room is most likely a colleague from out of town but would not remember who he is if I saw him again…

  6. I drove drunk with my kid in the car, dropped her at her friends house and couldn’t remember where it was when it was time to pick her up the next day.

    1. Reply to drove drunk with kid:
      I’ve never had kids, but I am sure I would have driven drunk with them in the car.

    2. They are safe now. As parents we all have made really shitty decisions. But the best we can do for them is not choose Wolfie today .hugs.

  7. Last night my friend asked me to come meet her for a drink with her friends and husband. They left and I stayed and closed the bar down. I got in my car and drove 20 miles away and got pulled over. I lived in the opposite direction and i have no idea why I was driving there. The officer did not give me a DUI, he asked me to call someone and he drove me home. I told him I have a child with special needs and it is stressful and I wanted to have a drink. He told me that he also has a child with special needs so he understands how hard it can be. Because of this he took pity on me. I feel awful for using my child as an excuse. Today is day 1 of sobriety for me. I have been given chance after chance and I have managed to screw up a few relationships with reckless binge drinking. My children need me. Thanks for providing this outlet.

    1. I understand the chance after chance. And you begin to wonder how many chances do I get? Tomorrow will be day one for me….again. Let’s grab onto this chance like it is or last!

  8. Being a drunken idiot in front of my kids and their friends. I don’t even remember what I said and did–I just know it’s happened. i embarrassed my family and myself. I am so sorry.

    1. Children are resilient and forgiving. You are not your actions from the past, most importantly you are here to try and prevent it in the future. That is courage.

  9. Kissed someone other than my husband, pissed outside on the street, drove under the influence, was a total bitch to my husband and kids, made my son cry, told secrets I shouldn’t have. Things I would NEVER EVER in one million years do when sober.

    1. I think that’s the point, the good thing. The realization that that isn’t us, isn’t our standard behaviour. And the advancement from that to the point of never wanting to ‘not be yourself’ ever again. Its progress and good fuel for the engine of changing behaviours and turning our lives around.

  10. My teenage son and live in partner suddenly launched into a semi-physical argument. (no abuse) I had been drinking. i got upset, got in a car and drove away. When I got back, my son and I had words that I honestly don’t remember. He ran away to his grandmothers. I didn’t see him again for 6 mnths. My relationship with a basically good man fell apart ……

  11. I was so drunk that I was taken to the ER. The policeman couldn’t take me in. There was a warrant that could have been served at work. I still cringe remembering this.

    1. I still cringe remembering many things I did, but I guess we need to focus on the future. The past is behind us and now we can be proud to be sober.

  12. There are sooooo many things over the past 25 years….sure what I do now is not so obvious and public, like random hook ups in dirty car parks , but it IS just as dangerous, like drinking all though my pregnancy and while breastfeed ( telling myself how French I am) shame is all I’ve got now!

    1. I used the fancy French wine excuse in my head during pregnancy. You are not alone, we are seeing clearly now how Wolfie disguises himself

  13. I think I drove my car during a black-out once. I cannot remember doing it, but I know my car had moved, and no one else could have moved it. I continued to drink to the point of black-out, and to drink drive, for at least a couple of years after this happened.

  14. In my early years of over drinking – there was drinking under the influence; sleeping indiscriminately; being so egocentrically driven; not thinking about others just totally immersed in my own misery and deepening the misery with more drinking. Nights not remembering what I said and being so worried afterwards if I had done or said something wrong. I am so ashamed of my youth. Then later on in years staying more and more at home so that I could drink. Turning down invitations and not going to events so I could stay at home and drink. Not being able to pick up my children from parties because I had been drinking and paying for taxis so they could get home. The final straw 145 days ago was seeing the shame on my daughters face when I was at her partners home and drank a whole bottle of wine and said some very rude things to my husband. Only she heard, but I could see how hurt she was that night and the days afterwards. Day 140 now. She has been my greatest support in staying sober.

  15. I went drinking with a friend. Drank way too much. Blacked out in a cab, most ikely fell alseep as I do after an excessive binge , I “came to” pulled alongisde the side of the road with a driver who I was convinced had touched me whilst I was out, but no solid memory, just flashes, memories of being terrified. Fled the taxi, flagged a passer by, demanded the poilice be called, accused him outright, totally convinced he did it and now I am living in fear that it was a stupid psychotic blackout episode and that it may end up me in trouble. Waiting for the police to come to the door. Every day. Still kept drinking for the couple of weeks after as my agonized mind tried to remember what was real and what wasn’t. I still don’t know.

    1. At least in the USA, you can decline to press charges, so a potentially innocent man won’t have his life ruined based on something that may or may not have happened. And you can also go to a therapist who will help you work through the shame, guilt, and fear you must be feeling. This must be really hard for you, and you don’t have to go it alone.

  16. I not only nursed my infant daughter while drinking, I would get out of bed to get her and bring her back into bed with me so that I could nurse her lying down – but a couple of times I did that and didn’t even remember doing so. I’d wake up later and realise she was in bed with me. I guess she could have died.

    1. You are not alone. I nursed my infant son with a glass of wine in one hand and a cigarette in the other. That went on for 6 months. Then one night as I sat in the living room with him I passed out on the chair holding him. I woke up to find him on the floor. So afraid of what could have happened. I was given so many chances. That was 31 years ago. I am at 8 months sober now. There is hope. It is never too late.

  17. Even a DUI in 1984 didn’t make me stop and think about my drinking. Carried on, stayed out of trouble for 20 years and then the alcohol started taking over. For 10 years I got nasty when drunk, shouted at, swore at and eventually started getting physical with my partner. Sober for a while now, and very grateful for the chance to restart my life.

    1. At least you’ve stopped now, so well done for that. If your partner has forgiven you, it’s time to let the past go and move on.

  18. A few years ago, I spent all day drinking and then sobered up (mostly) by the evening to supervise a school graduation. I made sure my breath was fresher than fresh, and I successfully interacted with everyone there, and nobody knew but me (or a colleague would’ve pulled me aside and said something), but I’m still ashamed of that.

  19. Hidden a vodka bottle in my filing cabinet. Replaced alcohol with water so it didn’t look like I drank. Filled a pop can with a beer so that I could drive while drinking. Almost killed myself many times out of despair, shame, and anger. Everything is black in that state.

  20. I am 90% sober. (I only drink one day a week.) But I wish I could drink myself to death. I won’t though because it would devastate my husband. I love him so I live. If anything ever happens to him though, I know that I will kill myself with a bottle.

  21. I watched my sister drink herself to death . I didn’t try to help her get help . Our family all pretended there wasn’t vodka in her water bottle , I rode with her when I knew she was drinking – she drank from morning till night . The 2 reasons I had for not confronting her about her drinking -1. I didn’t want her to get mad at me.
    -2. I didn’t want to stop drinking .
    Shame on me . She has been gone 2 years and I am 6 months sober.

  22. RE: child as an excuse
    My “low” bottom was waking up to myself covered in vomit. I remembered nothing & my husband had to tell me I was vomiting in my sleep and he woke me up, etc. If he had not been there, I would have died. I was a mother of two young children and that was Mother’s Day morning 2 years ago – I never drank again – scared straight and totally ENJOYING my life with my family – there is HOPE.

  23. When staying with friends with liquor in their homes, I snuck down during the middle of the night, drank “the good stuff” (like Tito’s Vodka) and refilled the empty bottles with water. I’ve done this on 3 different visits to 3 different friends’ homes. I sometimes wonder if they have found the water yet and whether they guessed what happened.

  24. I humiliated my sober friend by calling out her boob implants in front of 15 coworkers at highly alcohol fueled work outing. I felt regret instantly. I wouldn’t have forgiven me. I still feel sad.

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