I am not broken

this was originally sent out as a micro-email

from Dr. Stella (day 200):

“Turns out that drinking created my problems instead of helping me cope with them. I’m sure nobody knows about this and I am the very first person to discover it ever! 🙂

… I have decided to specialize in ER and trauma. I work a lot with homeless people who are often drunk or on drugs, and I have so much empathy for them because of my own struggle. I always say to them, “you are not broken,” and they look at me like nobody has ever said that to them before. With the same shining wet eyes I saw your emails in the first days (and am still getting as I write this, dammit!)

I’m navigating my first relationship sober and it is scary sometimes because I can feel how much need is lying under my surface. I’m trying to do things differently than I did before which is counter-intuitive for me and so much better … Although it can be tough to trust it, when I hear my Wolfe speak up to tell me I don’t deserve it or that he’ll find out how defective I am, I tell him too: I AM NOT BROKEN.

Life isn’t perfect, but I am truly happy. It is hard and wild and wonderful, and now I can feel it. Sometimes that’s tough but I use what you taught me every. Single. Day. I am not broken. Don’t fuck with myself. If things are getting crazy and I hear distant howls on the horizon… GO TO BED.

Thank you a thousand thousand times for being consistent and kind and patient and absolutely just what I needed to be able to start this (20 times!) and now, stay with it. I hope everything is going well with your new apartment and your heart and in your heart of hearts.”

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I’m tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

3 thoughts to “I am not broken”

  1. INDEED WE ARE NOT BROKEN

    And what a discovery that drinking did not solve our problems. Thanks for sharing 😉 .

    I have even discovered that being sober does not solve my problems either.
    And that’s OK. Now that I can face them I can finally start dealing with them !

    So much to be learned down this sober road 😉

    1. @sobermanpower I love your comment about even sobriety not solving problems either. I went for 53 days and then stopped, using that notion as “reasoning” for getting off the wagon. But you’re so right–drinking doesn’t solve problems, and sobriety doesn’t solve problems (well, it does solve a FEW 😉 ). But WE can solve problems, and sobriety helps bring ourselves back to the forefront.

  2. Hi Belle,  Still here, still sober. Went for a bike ride along the beach with my daughter, passed some of hubby & my hang outs. A few tugs for the “good old days” when it was fun and romantic to while away the hours drinking, talking, making merry. But it all changed and that is what I need to keep reminding myself. Struggling with doldrums, but, I just do what I can and wait for…I don’t know what for. There’s a void that used to be full up with wine. I’m just gonna wait to see what will take its place. I know that it won’t be the shame, helplessness, fear, and dread that another night of drinking would bring. Nothing wrong with that. I’d rather wait.

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