like every good perfectionist, i can’t just leave well enough alone. monday? great day. a banner day. Yesterday? rotten. sloth-like. literally played an online video game for 3+ hrs. probably more. it was probably more like 5 hrs.
today. got up and repeated what i did on monday and lo-and-behold i feel fine again. ok. so i’ve figured out what works for me.
now why can’t i keep doing it?
part of it is self-sabbatage (wolfie says: sure, you had one good day, so today you can celebrate by taking the day off; you might not feel as great but it’s exhausting being perfect)
part of it is fine tuning (wolfie says: well that worked on monday, but you can’t maintain that every day so today we’ll try something more ‘moderate’)
part of it is looking for the new thing (wolfie says: oh, bright shiny object over here. you did that one thing, it worked, you felt better, but you didn’t try this other thing yet, you might like it, it’s new)
part of it is defeat before i’m even out of bed (wolfie says: you didn’t sleep well enough, so the rest of your perfect day plan just won’t work without the perfect sleep, so if it all isn’t perfectly lined up, then don’t even try)
part of it is defiance (wolfie says: fuck you, i can make my own rules, i don’t have to do what works for everyone else, i can go off the map and try moon spots if i want to, fuck you, you can’t make me feel better. i actively defy feeling better. fuck you).
so that’s what yesterday was like.
today? got up at 8:30 am (which is freaky early for me). went for a run first thing pre-computer. bought a few groceries. bath with pink fairy lights and lush shampoo. lovely breakfast (cottage cheese fruit raisins decaf). and presto: the good-feeling-day is back. puttering away at my inbox, my desk, my catering. helping husband as he tries (unsuccessfully) to buy U2 tickets.
i don’t drink any more. thank god.
the thing is, if i wasn’t sober, i’d be so focussed on drinking and thinking about drinking that there would literally be NO free time to explore the other weirdness in my head (it’s like a radio station, all wolfie, all the time). i’m not hearing “you should drink now” but I do hear “don’t bother, not enough, fuck it, not worth it).
and on days when i get up earlier and run 7 or 10 or 40 minutes, and have a bath and have a nice breakfast and stay offline until 10 am … on days like this, that wolfie-radio station is diminished by a full 75%.
time to pick a better radio station, the one that says “this is so fun. it’s worth it. i feel so much better. it’s irritating sometimes but it’s much much better than before.”