i actively defy feeling better

like every good perfectionist, i can’t just leave well enough alone. monday? great day. a banner day. Yesterday? rotten. sloth-like. literally played an online video game for 3+ hrs. probably more. it was probably more like 5 hrs.

today. got up and repeated what i did on monday and lo-and-behold i feel fine again. ok. so i’ve figured out what works for me.

now why can’t i keep doing it?

part of it is self-sabbatage (wolfie says: sure, you had one good day, so today you can celebrate by taking the day off; you might not feel as great but it’s exhausting being perfect)

part of it is fine tuning (wolfie says: well that worked on monday, but you can’t maintain that every day so today we’ll try something more ‘moderate’)

part of it is looking for the new thing (wolfie says: oh, bright shiny object over here. you did that one thing, it worked, you felt better, but you didn’t try this other thing yet, you might like it, it’s new)

part of it is defeat before i’m even out of bed (wolfie says: you didn’t sleep well enough, so the rest of your perfect day plan just won’t work without the perfect sleep, so if it all isn’t perfectly lined up, then don’t even try)

part of it is defiance (wolfie says: fuck you, i can make my own rules, i don’t have to do what works for everyone else, i can go off the map and try moon spots if i want to, fuck you, you can’t make me feel better. i actively defy feeling better. fuck you).

so that’s what yesterday was like.

today? got up at 8:30 am (which is freaky early for me). went for a run first thing pre-computer. bought a few groceries. bath with pink fairy lights and lush shampoo. lovely breakfast (cottage cheese fruit raisins decaf). and presto: the good-feeling-day is back. puttering away at my inbox, my desk, my catering. helping husband as he tries (unsuccessfully) to buy U2 tickets.

i don’t drink any more. thank god.

the thing is, if i wasn’t sober, i’d be so focussed on drinking and thinking about drinking that there would literally be NO free time to explore the other weirdness in my head (it’s like a radio station, all wolfie, all the time). i’m not hearing “you should drink now” but I do hear “don’t bother, not enough, fuck it, not worth it).

and on days when i get up earlier and run 7 or 10 or 40 minutes, and have a bath and have a nice breakfast and stay offline until 10 am … on days like this, that wolfie-radio station is diminished by a full 75%.

time to pick a better radio station, the one that says “this is so fun. it’s worth it. i feel so much better. it’s irritating sometimes but it’s much much better than before.”

 

 

 

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

9 thoughts to “i actively defy feeling better”

  1. This resonates with be SO much, Belle. I have been thinking about this very topic the last few weeks. I have been trying to figure out why I actively defy feeling better? Everything is better sober…I feel better physically, I sleep better, I’m better at my job, I’m a better parent/wife, I have better workouts and eat better, I look better, I keep up my home better…I could go on and on. Yet, I refuse to do this…It’s crazy. Alcohol helps ease my social anxiety and helps me relax. Those are my sad 2 reasons to continue…and one doesn’t even count…even though my anxiety is eased short term (while drinking), it’s much worse the next day. Working on finding my way back…

  2. I think some of us have felt lousy for so long that when we finally do feel better, it’s uncomfortable. It’s not familiar. We are used to beating ourselves up, and we say “I don’t deserve to feel this great. I had better do something quick to bring myself down, ’cause I don’t belong here.” Hence we drink, which keeps us in the bad place that we are used to.

  3. Dear Belle,
    Monday, I had a “rotten” day. Sick, no sleep, grey day, and did nothing all day.
    Tuesday, I had an okay day. I had to go out to Dr. appointments and hair appointment . Still sick, grey and no sleep, but felt better because I was “forced” to go out.
    Today, I had another rotten day. YIKES!
    I know the grey days make my energy go way down and my depression a little worse, but some of it is what I think in my head!
    My self-talk. But I think now I will think of it as Wolfie talk!
    That way I can yell at him!
    Thank you!

  4. I’m learning to ignore my perfectionism and live in the moment. Until I started my sober journey, I never realized how crappie I was feeling and how unrealistic and hard I was being on myself. I realize now I don’t want to go back to that way of life. I am actually taking time for myself and accepting me as I am. Human. With flaws. We all need to realize we must love ourselves. Then the voice of wolfie will be silenced.
    Hugs,
    Margy

  5. I always heard that alcohol was a depressant , but did not think it effected me that way because I am a generally positive upbeat person even when I was drinking. The cycle of drinking, hangover, and trying to moderate my intake was starting to get me down and I felt bad physically and mentally. About two weeks after I quit drinking I realized that alcohol truly is a depressant and I was experiencing depression and anxiety while drinking. Now I don’t feel any of those symptoms. Day 138 and feeling amazing !

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