“it’s a different struggle everyday but not impossible with tools”

from my inbox:

Lizzybel (day 3):  “Funny thing, my boss gave me the cheesiest plastic, almost iridescent green, wine glass (she’s so stressed out I think she grabbed a “re gift” gift because she forgot, poor lady). I must have looked slightly mortified because everyone nervously chuckled, so I blurted out “thanks, I just started a self improvement challenge so I have chosen to not drink but I’m sure I can enjoy iced green tea in this!” My colleagues were a bit surprised, “before the holidays and your birthday”? I just laughed & said I gotta lose a few pounds & get a little healthier all around, blah, blah blah. Done. No more interest — no one cared. Choke, stutter, breathe … my little sober car is still rolling. I wasn’t expecting that and I really, really, so badly wanted a glass of wine after work, I just kept thinking wtf is wrong with me that I can’t just have a glass now & then. I listened to day 4 audio (sober jumpstart) on my way home. Then I chucked the plastic cup in the recycling bin after showing my husband!! Witching hour wasn’t as bad with my cup of cranberry sprite and now I’m happily cuddled on the couch with my family enjoying chamomile tea. I was never a tea drinker-who knew I’d really enjoy it! Catching onto one theme here — it’s a different struggle everyday but not impossible with tools, support and an outlet for the pent up nutty thoughts & feelings. Big thanks and sweet dreams!

from me:

i have a bit more catering to do today and then we head on vacation tomorrow morning. not taking the computer (!). will be away for 4 days – which is a long time. will be celebrating my birthday (dec 2nd) with cake and BBQ ribs. after my unplugged excursion, I expect to read every email in my inbox upon my return on wednesday. you will keep emailing even though i’m away. cuz I’m going to be wondering how you’re doing …

i am solidly sober. i have moments of terror and shame and freaked-ness. I have stress and low grade anxiety and awake-at-5-a.m. bits. I am looking forward to a break from my kitchen! (like today, awake up at 5 a.m., did i make the jelly? should i make more pie crust?) I’m thankful that my recent move hasn’t dissuaded catering clients. thankful that husband’s business is thriving again. I’m thankful for the sober blogging and penpalling world. and yes, i’ve decided to buy the pink chair.

yesterday i received the most ginormous ‘tiny gift donation’ – so much so that i had to email her and ask if it was a typo (feeling fairly certain that it was an error). i feel super protective of this money! do i save it, do i spend it on me, do i spend it on you…

i will write and read and run and eat baked goods on my 4 days off. i’ll have birthday cake, and ride the metro and enjoy an english newspaper. And — bonus — we’re staying in a house with FURNITURE and a SHOWER. that’s a vacation in itself 🙂

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I’m tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

16 thoughts to ““it’s a different struggle everyday but not impossible with tools””

  1. Happy Birthday Belle … my fellow Sag and Dec birthday girl … YES sobriety is doable as I call it …. in EVERY situation and circumstance. Sometimes doable is also uncomfortable but it is still doable. HAPPY BIRTHDAY VACAY and congratulations on 2 T W O years.

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