“I don’t have to cure her or cure myself or fix everything”

from me:

i’m taking some time off this weekend until Tuesday which is a holiday … so last night, starting at 7 pm, I watched a documentary + 2 cooking shows. of course, i had to watch them on my husband’s laptop, propped up in bed, because there is no chair, no couch, and the lack of furniture is a bit wearing. Yes, i can cook, got that sorted, I can work here in this new house. i’ve got the ‘working’ part figured out.  I just can’t quite relax here yet.

I also visited old neighbourhood again yesterday (where the english library is) and it’s still as sad and nostalgic as it was before. i came home and said: we can stay here in this new place for 3 months but if i don’t like it, i want to go back ‘over there’.

(sounds familiar, right? fine. i will be sober for awhile, but if i’m not loving it all right away, i think i’ll give up.)

Mr. B says Three Months? and then I say, ok, fine. three years, we can try it here for three years. i’ll give it a good college try.

(i want to be sober, i want to like it, i just don’t like it yet. so i will keep going. because it will become the new normal. i just haven’t tried long enough yet.)

e-gads, my cyclical horrors this month. holy batman. the irritations. you know those moments where you look around and think “fuck my WHOLE life is in chaos and i’d just like a normal [insert here]…” in my case it’s normal bed, normal living room, i’d like one room with a nice light. i’d like the self-closing drawer to actually fucking close and not hover 1 inch from closed so that i have to push it closed every time i enter the room. well, i mean i can’t t leave it open. are you fucking kidding me? leave the drawer open?

said to Mr. B just now, i’m having an irritated day. can you help me? (yes). can you – just for today – close the drawer there, the drawer here, and the cupboard all the way closed. just for today. (he says yes). cuz it’s making me crazy, i say. (and then he does his best crazy horror-movie-style laugh). and i can hear his unspoken words. my wife, she’s amped up about a drawer that’s open an inch. stay out of her way. this is going to be an un-fantastic day.

so anyway, that’s a long way of saying today we’ve planned to be offline and we’re going to work on the state of this apartment, and we’re going to fucking put together the dining table and all that that entails. swearing will occur. mister is also going to hang shelves in the kitchen (only 2 to start, enough to make a mess, not enough to really be helpful), and i’m going to mix up a batch of nutmeg oatmeal cookies for the november treat box.

from my inbox:

Thirsty Iris (day 76): “Yes, I’m home now- tucked in bed. Ah. Saw my lovely friend, and she looked beautiful even though cancer is all over her lungs and brain; 37 and so healthy before getting horrible cancer… I’m lucky to know her. Even if this is finite.  Well it is all finite.

 

 

Still felt the impulse to buy and drink a bottle of wine on my way home. But fuck that. I don’t have to cure her or cure myself or fix everything. I’m thinking I can just stay sober and be awake for life and feelings even if they are not all cuddly. Drowning uncomfortable feelings, that’s what I have have been doing. For years. But not today. And while this is not an awesome night, I will take it, just as it is.”

~

Wolk (day 12): “Thanks for this audio (lesson #5, sober jumpstart). I can easily ask for help, support, but help for sobriety is different, more difficult. It felt like being a loser, although I know a lot of people reach out for help when they think they drink too much. No, now I think I am not good in asking for help. I am an easy talker but do not easily tell people what’s really going on with me. … Step by step I have learned that I need support. I have learned that since I started with the challenge. For all of these (for me) shamefull relapses, the most important thing i’ve learned was/is: Reach out. And what you’re doing now is not enough. No talking about being a loser. No judging. But simply: you have to add more support. What I have learned now is that other people can give you another, refreshing viewpoint about any topic. By the way, this is not for the first time that I think that this jumpstart class can be used for any topic in life, not only sobriety 🙂  Anyway, last week I learned I have to add MUCH more. What I have done: Accepting that sobriety goes first … I will not overeat myself but food will not be my main concern now … Accepting that I made such a mess for a long time that I need time to ‘recover’. I promised myself that till at least till January 1 that getting sober is the main topic … Thanks for these great audio’s. You did a good job. You do a good job :)”

~

JJWW (day 36): “All good! I went to a small, local, quirky theater last night to see a show. I enjoyed a pint of soda water with fresh lime and a delicious packet of cheese and onion crisps [chips]. Saw a friend, made some new ones. All sober. Wolfie used to tell me that I needed him by my side in order to be sociable. And I drank so much so often that was true for me for a while. It’s not true. I’m kind of rediscovering being sociable without the booze. It’s not that it’s impossible, it’s just that I’m not in the habit (yet) of socialising sober. I know, if I give it time, it will come. Tonight though, I know I won’t feel like socialising. I’m planning a night in with tea and a good book – you cannot beat tea and books!”

 

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I’m tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

5 thoughts to ““I don’t have to cure her or cure myself or fix everything””

  1. I hope you get your furniture sorted Belle so you can relax. Of course the self closing drawer does not self close, that would make way too much sense 🙂 I don’t know about you, but it takes me around a year to feel really at home in a new place.

  2. I like how you framed sober as becoming the new normal. Right now, it feels so uncomfortable and awkward and boring. But eventually, it will become the new normal.

    1. When we are having an unfantastic day, the universe should KNOW to close all the drawers and cupboards. Glad to know someone else thinks that way sometimes

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