tables need support

as i wrote this morning to a sober penpal…

I’m discovering that I know shit about building furniture without a plan …

we bought a really lovely kitchen counter, whacked 4 legs on it, and presto, it’s NOT a table. Well, not yet anyway. Did you know that square things are more unstable whereas triangular things are more rigid? (They didn’t teach this to English majors).

spent most of the night tossing and turning, thinking “whenever you try to do it yourself you suck. just spend money and buy the real thing…”

I got up this morning, went for a run, did some online research, and now in the light of day I have learned that the table needs to be braced (duh!).

But somehow at 4 a.m., in the middle of darkness, doing research and asking someone for advice didn’t occur to me. Only self-flagellation was an option.

Parallels to sobriety much? Duh.

In early sobriety, we’re like a table with a missing leg.  We’re OK if no one touches us. We’re OK so long as we don’t have to socialize. We’re OK so long as no one asks “what can i get you from the bar.”

Then we add supports. And we slowly put stuff under the missing corner and now we’re a four legged table.

is that enough?

well here’s what i learned this morning. 4 legged tables still need to be braced. they need corner supports, or they need diagonal braces, or they need to be bolted to the floor, or they need to be bracketed to the wall (the last choice is what we’re doing). [yes, i will take photos once it’s done. if you are on the list here you’ll get the pictures.]

so yeah, i’m sober. i have 4 legs. i had an idea when i set out to be sober that it would be SOMETHING.  and then it turns out to be something DIFFERENT from what I expected. and my initial reaction (still) is to panic and say “this isn’t working. i am a fuck up.”

when thinking of sobriety, and tables, often a visit to Mr. B. is required.

I say to him “tell me this is going to be OK.”

and he says…

“It’s OK already.”

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I’m tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

7 thoughts to “tables need support”

  1. I love this! Thanks to Mr. B. for the instant perspective and thanks to you for the inspiring analogy. “It’s OK already”…a new bracelet idea?
    LD

  2. Thank you. Thank you for sharing that you still worry that you might be doing it wrong. That you still feel uncertain. That things actually are already ok.
    It has really helped me today.

  3. You are not a fuck up. Maybe this isn’t working but so much you do works. You are so talented and do so much good. Don’t let ruin your day by your table. You cannot do everything, if only other people should have nothing to do anymore ;-)! Hugs, you are gorgeous!

  4. “In early sobriety, we’re like a table with a missing leg. We’re OK if no one touches us. We’re OK so long as we don’t have to socialize.” That is so how I was in Days 1-30! Then summer forced me to socialize and I kept going back to my pledge to you to remind myself that I promised “no matter what” I would n0t drink. And now slowly but surely, I have replaced the missing leg. And I socialize without drinking (but sometimes I simply say no to the social event) and I get through some really sad moments without drinking (sometimes I do this by just letting myself cry). So the leg is still wobbly and needs some extra support, but it is there now.

  5. Very wise comment from Mr. B – “It’s ok already”. Reminds me of another saying, “I hate to spoil the ending for you, but you’re going to be fine”.

  6. Very familiar feeling, self flagellation at 4am! One of the best things about my new found sobriety is not doing that nearly so much and getting some decent sleep. On that note, bed.

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