“death called on me yesterday”

yesterday i sent out a micro-email from M about her recent relapse. If you’re not on the list to receive the daily micro emails, then do that here.

M was talking about what happened to her, “Wolfie Devoured Me,” complete with presenting her throat to wolfie, and a banged up car.

And holy cow my inbox has filled up with responses. Here are a few:

pbwy: “Please tell M that they are not alone!! M…where ever you are. Fight hard! we are cheering for you!”

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Orchid: “Thank god I am two months sober. Thank you for this and reminding me why I am doing this. I remember mornings like this and so don’t want to go back to this. I know I can’t have one drink ever as too soon I will slide down that pole and use any excuse for just one.”

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KittyBells: “I just wanted to say this broke my heart today. I wish I could give M a big hug over the internet. I know just how she feels and have been there so many times. She is not broken, none of us are. It’s wolfie. I hope that M is doing better and making strides towards what she wants.”

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Hopeful Girl: “Wow, this totally helped me.  Was thinking about drinking… no more.  Day 8 coming to a close… thanks for this stark reminder!”

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Waggintail: “My heart hurts for her. Following your blog every day and getting your emails every day has given me resources that I’ve never had before to go to if and when I get the urge again. I’ve made a promise to myself that the next time I’m tempted I’m going to read this, to quickly remind myself where I’ve come from and where I do not want to be again.”

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Husband #1: “That line: Death called on me yesterday.”  Wow!  Talk about a powerful statement.  She may have given IN the other day but she didn’t give UP.”

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Magdalena Maria: “WOW Belle, I should read this whenever I feel like a bloody drink. Just a few… with the football… try  moderation… boy have I ever heard all that crap before!!!! And how does it all end…? death is calling… I am sending good vibes and positive energy to M because feeling like that SUCKS!”

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Hughie: “Belle, I really feel for M, she reminds me of me. It’s so scary, I have days like that when wolfie says all the right things, he does a great job at convincing us that it will only be a few, I came so close the day before yesterday… I’m ok today.”

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Okie Dokie: “We can all relate to this.  I’m so glad she went on to make it to Day 6 and beyond by now.  I wish we could bottle how much better life is when alcohol is gone from it.  Happy to say I’m on Day 92 today!”

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Lerawk: “Reading Belle’s emails are both encouraging and heart wrenching. Just read M’s “wolfie devoured me” email and it made me heart sick. I wish terribly that I could take my 92 days and give them to M. To give her a glimpse into her new, awesome future. I was there in M’s shoes many times. We’ve all been in those shoes. And as a result of wearing those shoes I have a few scars that I’ll carry with me forever. I’ll never be rid of them… but I know I won’t be wasting any more time dwelling on them. M said she knows that she is broken and that not drinking is not going to fix her. I think that’s a wise statement made by a self-aware individual. She’s right… not drinking will not suddenly fix everything that’s wrong…but it does free you.”

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

12 thoughts on ““death called on me yesterday”

  1. Oh, those shoes fit so well. M – it gets better, it really does. One baby step at a time, you can get some distance from Wolfie. He’ll still whisper at you sometimes but time and distance help you ignore his bullshit. Keep going, keep reaching out.

  2. There is strength in knowing you are not alone in this. I had the same response to those who have written. Been there crashing the car, almost crashing the car. And, now the perspective of over a year of sobriety (I never would have thought possible while I was drinking)…the freeing, awesome, uplifting joy and brain space. The space to start again with clear eyes. Words can’t describe how grateful I am to have my life back.
    M, your words spoke to all of us. Kill that fucker Wolfie!

  3. I woke up and read this email and I broke down in tears. Effing wine, I hate it. Man I need not skip reading your emails for a later time anymore, they are so powerful and are helping me more than I realized. Not there yet but trying to get there. Thank you Belle.

  4. Hi M
    Thank you for sharing one of your roughest days. Been where you have been and cannot thank you from my heart for telling it how it is and the evilness of only one. You really are a mentor!!!
    Hugsz and love from who’s been there and understands. Be proud of who you are.
    Belle your words of wisdom are phenomenal. It keeps me going.

  5. To drink is to die …

    If not physically, for sure emotionally and spiritually … sorry Wolfie, you’re just not worth it … even on the worse of days …. so far.

    Thanks M for reminding me how I feel if I drink, 2056 days away from my last drink and Wolfie is often loud and enticing … it is helpful to be reminded of the desperation that comes with a drunk.

  6. Hi M,

    I think Crystal Light’s idea to do the Sober Jumpstart is a great one. And DO please have the call with Belle – it will help enormously.

    You are not broken, you just need lots of tools (and cyber hugs).

    Hugs to you

  7. Can I add to this? I too was really moved reading this. It reminded me of so so so many awful mornings I have had. The shivers moved down my spine, the emotions rushed through me and my eyes stung with tears. I don’t want to gloat, to be relieved its not me, I just want to hug her, to cry with her, to encourage her to keep trying, to never give up – humoungous hugs

  8. I echo what others have shared, here. And I send a lot of good energy to M … I completed my first 100 days , this past spring. In mid-May, I slipped and right, told myself the lie : ” only ” a ” few ” drinks.
    Of course, it was more like many bottles. ( Simply amazing, the lies we want to believe ) …
    I am part of Team 180 , currently.
    Some moments are exhilarating ( I become very proud of myself ) and others , like yesterday – when I was working a wine tasting – due to my job … and I am surrounded by the booze … those moments can be difficult.
    When I come to think of it , very few people I know can get by with a ” few ” drinks. I could have kept going down that path which a majority of society does.
    It is no wimpy move to admit that you have a problem. M – if you are reading this , by chance – reading your share with Belle – helped me make the choice to not succumb to Wolfie, yesterday – ( specifically post working the wine tasting ).
    Yes. There are and will be … feelings of disgust and crappiness during the aftermath of the ” choice ” to begin drinking.
    Right now is a brand new moment. Group hug. M – It is positive that you shared with Belle – and that she shared along with us. Right. Some of us have been there. You sound like a beautiful person. You will get through THIS. ( Love ).

  9. From KJ: “That email from M about her relapse haunted me and continues to do so. I think it was the way she described wolfie tearing her throat so graphically. Today I bought a child’s plastic farmyard toy sheep in the cheap gift shop it’s about 5cm and I’ve put it on the kitchen counter to remind me of the story of the wolf in sheep’s clothing. He’s a very clever lethal beast.”

    1. love the thought of you buying that sheep – so very trust (sheep in wolf clothing)…; i had such a rough day yesterday (still going on today) and so wanted to drown my pain with we know what….; but thought of M’s story and the pain and torment she went through….ty…kept me away from that bottle of wine; here’s hoping for another day of sobriety

  10. Lewraks wish to give M her/his 92 days really moved me. We are all connected in facing this demon called Wolfie. It is true that stopping drinking does not fix everything but it puts you on a path to be able to be more honest with yourself. I agree with the word free. Big hugs to M. Thanks Belle as always! ~Denise

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