“I feel destabilized”

Things to worry about. I asked C what her biggest worry was about being long-term sober.

She sent me this: “Hey, it feels strange replying, my biggest worry is a bag of worries, all linked together by a fear of not fitting in. My dad died a month ago so my emotional buffers have been a bit scattered and I feel destabilized. I want to use this time as a jumping board into a place where I feel my emotions, good and bad, but I’m scared I won’t succeed. Thank you for being out there, I’m glad I came across you.”

me: so sorry to hear about your dad – you know there are two other people doing the 100 day sober challenge with very similar situations (that i know of, there are probably lots more). One person just lost her dad, too, about a month ago, and the other recently lost her spouse to illness.

In some ways, the pit of grief opens up a time when we can start to do other work on ourselves. It’s like grief is this terrible ‘wake up’ call and we can begin to sort out our own shit. Starting with being sober.

It’s exactly a jumping board (good phrase!). You’ve gone through something heinous. Being sober has to be easy by comparison!

~
and i would also add… reach out for help. get support BEFORE you need it.  don’t wait till you’ve got the bottle already opened… post or read or call or reach out. Reach out early. Feeling crummy? Reach out. Found out your neighbor died (good god!), email someone. Don’t let wolfie get wound up and running around in there.  Don’t let him get any momentum going.

As a general rule, we SUCK at asking for help and we suck at accepting help. Wolfie tells us we don’t deserve it. he’s a liar.

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I’m tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

4 thoughts to ““I feel destabilized””

  1. I am so sorry to hear about your Dad. Although its not the same I know, I recently lost my dog to a tragic accident. I live alone, and she was my best friend, my companion, and other than my son, my truest form of unconditional love. My grief was horrific. I began drinking more and more and more, so I didn’t have to feel the pain. Then, I knew, if I didnt do something, I was going to die. I have a grown son, and new that was not an option. He was so worried about me. Somehow, and I have no idea how or why, my prayers were answered…..and I got sober. Only 23 days now, but I did it. I believe Izzy (my dog) came into my life for a purpose, and left for a purpose….I believe I had to get to the depths of wanting to die, to realize that I wanted to live afterall. Now in the last 23 days, I feel better every day, and my grief is not so brutal everyday. I also joined the Humane Society volunteering to honor her. I know she would be happy with that, and my son no longer worries, and is proud of me. That feels great! Maybe just thinking about your Dad, and honoring him, and knowing that he won’t have to worry about you anymore, will help you to not pick up that first drink. It sure did me! Blessings!

  2. From sanna: “You can tell C that my mum’s death last year has had a direct impact on this attempt to get sober, spring board is a very good description.”

  3. from baby girl butterfly: “I was about 100 days when my dad passed away….I didn’t drink. I wanted to, but then I realized it was just an excuse for me to make for myself having a drink. Stay strong!!”

  4. I started drinking heavily when my mom died, and then it continued for a few years. One of the contributing factors to my finally quitting was that I knew this is NOT what my parents would have wanted for me. (My dad, an alcoholic, quit drinking all by himself before he died) I was their only child, and even in my 40s and 50s, their darling.
    I like the idea of honoring them, even though they have both been gone quite a while now.

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