make it harder than it has to be

i’m having a good stretch of life these days. sleeping well. surprisingly zen about moving in 13 days. no moving truck booked. nothing packed. current landlord says we can take our time and so we shall.

i also seem to have solved a problem that’s been plaguing me for … my whole life? i’m just over 2 years sober. i know you’re going to think i’m a slow learner. but I’ve finally figured out that if i do a bunch of the catering work in advance, then the day of the cooking is easier.

duh.

how many times have i gotten up early and just pounded my way through a long and difficult day.

how many times have i started a busy catering day, realized that i’m behind before i even begin, then realize that i’m out of fresh ginger and will have to dash out with things on the stove.

how many times have i decided part way through the shitty long catering day that i am NOT doing any catering any more, it’s just too hard.

when what i really needed was a plan, some accountability, some sleep, a treat. and a boost.

when drinking, how may times did i MAKE myself do things the hard way. just to prove that drinking wasn’t ‘really’ a problem. why did i think that pounding my way through things was the right way?

so stubborn about asking for help, so late to get support.

why did i leave everything to the last minute and then panic my way through life — maybe it was so that wolfie could say “see, life is stressful, you might as well drink.” why did i make it all so hard. doing it alone. not telling anyone. not sharing the contents of my head.

yesterday when my husband came home from work, i told him there was “a lot” to do. and he said the magic words “what can i do to help.” and so starting at 7 pm, even before we ate, he cleaned house, changed the bed, i chopped peppers and onions for today. he heated microwave dinners (yes, really, make it easy on yourself). he peeled carrots. I made pastry. I made cookie dough. I made cake batter. I premeasured all the ingredients in advance for 2 different kinds of bread.

we were done by 10 pm and went to bed relieved. i’m a girl who really sings when we’re working as a team (rather than him at work and me fretting that i have to do it all alone, or me working while he’s sleeping). he agreed it was a calm and productive night. I know the world does not revolve around my asshole, but i also know that making things harder than they need to be is something I specialize in. You?

reminder, photography project due friday šŸ™‚

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

8 thoughts to “make it harder than it has to be”

  1. Agreed ! I always make home make cakes for special occasions and did not really have the time. It was stressful to squeeze in the time and expensive to get all the ingredients. One day it hit me that when I was younger getting a cake from the bakery was a big deal. So I started buying cakes at the local bakery and no one really noticed or cared that I did not bake it myself. mmm… that sounds a lot like when you go to a party and no one notices or cares if your not drinking.

  2. Yes, I feel like I have a PHD in making it hard. Recent ‘make life hard for myself activity’…Don’t just buy a gift, hand make the tag, get 4’ wide ribbon in a coordinating shade…. wait for it to arrive via mail & fret the bloody thing wont be here in time. REALLY stoppppppp it.
    I hate when Wolfie watches too much Martha Stewart!

  3. That’s perfect. You took to offered help. And in doing so made both of you feel needed and productive. And if there was singing too it must have been a really great night.
    I remember making things harder when I was drinking too. That was part of the punishing myself, because I was so filled with hate and anger.
    I have true compassion for anyone trapped in that self loathing. It doesn’t need to be that way.
    When I look in the mirror now I truly love the person I see. I treat her gently and with kindness.
    Sober is a powerful thing!

  4. When I was drinking I always felt “behind.” And I was behind on everything…always scrambling to catch up. A birthday gift for someone? OMG that could throw me into a tailspin..half the time I ended up with nothing. Whoops. Things are much better now. All things šŸ™‚

  5. Nice! Good for you for delegating your work to hubby and planning ahead! Not easy to juggle all. I miss emailing you, but the season is winding down…I will be back on track soon. Can’t believe I’m 6 mos +.. yrs is a dream šŸ˜‰

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