sleep more; wait for clarity

I will allow myself 2 more days to change my mind, but here’s how i feel about august unplugged:

when i quit drinking, i filled my non-drinking time with being online and catering. once you remove both of these things… i’ve got serious hours to fill.

for most of this month, i’ve been thinking through sober things (that, to be fair, i could have been thinking 2 years ago when i first quit but i guess i was too busy to process):

  • what am i going to do with all of this time?
  • i only know how to drink through vacations, i’ve forgotten how to vacation sober
  • we could go for lunch on an outdoor patio … but without booze, why bother.

i’m doing some delayed grieving i think. all the busy-ness has perhaps kept me from processing.

and so what did august bring?

seriously bad (and i mean gigantically bad) crappy weather. oh and i have been frigging with my cardiac medication to see if i feel better with less (not really). Then in the last week there’s some very serious family illness taking place back home that involves dysfunctional family dynamics at its best. Then to top it off, i went to see new apartment yesterday for the 3rd visit and suddenly i have decided it’s too loud, in a grungy part of town, too far away, and too empty (unfurnished). (note to self to read about adventures again.)

and you know what, i’m not really complaining.

i should have done this a long time ago. you know, the extreme self-care stuff i suggest … I could have spent August ordering take out, watching bad tv, going to bed early. instead i’ve spent most of it offline wondering just what exactly i’m supposed to do with my time if it’s raining? like really? there’s only life in good weather? and if i can’t watch movies in the afternoons and i can’t drink, and i’m not catering then what exactly am i supposed to do?

You know, all those grand plans to clean the house? none. i cleaned two individual shelves one day. nothing else. Use the metro pass to go somewhere every day? Perhaps 50% of the time.

it’s like once i remove my regular daily structures, but don’t actually go anywhere on vacation (and my husband is still working) … i just sort of slump. girl without structure. Bored. mostly uninspired.

Thankfully two things are about to occur: september begins on monday, back to school, i really do like september. time for new beginnings … and in 10 days we’re going on a 3 day vacation, finally leaving the apartment, going somewhere far away, travelling.

can i wake up with more energy? apparently not. perky? where are you perky?

Was the goal for august unplugged (early sobriety) to be low when required, to sleep more and more, and wait for clarity? If it was then i guess i achieved that 🙂

holy don’t i HATE a process (“honey, it’s a process, you just have to go through it.”). fuckers. process my ass.

here’s what i want: glorious up-energy daily, with a thin waist and a clean apartment.

not happening for you? yeah, me neither!

sober?

yeah, me too. sometimes that’s enough of an achievement for one day (or one bleeding month!)

(and to be fair, here’s what i did accomplish in august, though it feels like ‘not enough’: read 7 books, ran 4 days a week, found an apartment, visited said apartment 3 separate times, wrote a newsletter that’ll actually go in the postal mail, cleaned TWO shelves in the kitchen (ha), changed the sheets once, was in bed by 9:30 pm just about every night, have been quite admirably eating down the contents of the freezer.)

OK. so to turn this around i’ve (a) blogged about it and gotten it out of my head, and (b) i’m getting some sober treats for today. i hereby solemnly swear, even though i am ‘meh’, that i will go and get myself three sober treats today: flowers, bubble bath, an expensive quart of the last strawberries of the year.

here’s to a long weekend (labour day). at least my husband will be home now for 3 days. Vacations are more fun when he’s here. we do things that seem vacation-y when he’s here. maybe it’s that i don’t like being on vacation by myself … maybe i’m co-dependent. maybe it’s that i don’t have any fucking hobbies except for cake. Maybe it’s …

Mr. B? can you come home? i’m bored.

[written offline, typed up during online time …]

 

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I’m tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

13 thoughts to “sleep more; wait for clarity”

  1. Process my ass. Is that a verb or a noun?
    I find myself asking myself that question a lot, still: if I’m not drinking, how am I filling this time? The answers seem mostly short-term and not always satisfactory: keep the dog from eating my slippers, clean (something), cook (something, for which spouse or child is grateful), wash dishes from latest round of cooking (no dishwasher but me). None of this very deep or meaningful.But my drunken life wasn’t that, either.

  2. Now that I am back to work (teacher), when I get home I end up clearing out emails, eating dinner, veging in front of the TV for an hour and falling asleep. I want to quilt, but I am tired, so I feel like I’m lazy. Hmm. Negative thought. Go away! I am beginning to realize just how much I need to be doing and am not. Why? Because I was never sober long enough before to do it. Responsibilities that I should have dealt with and never did. At 53 I have to go back to the basics. Onward and upward. Happy sobriety, everybody. Day 83.

  3. Funny, I am washing the bedding today and it seems like it will take quite a bit out of me… a challenge!

    You forgot to mention that you still helped an untold number of people (lots I am sure!) change their lives either through your blog posts (past and present) or your audios)….cause you definitely did that whether you were online or not!

    I can say that as I enter Day 47 for first time in I don’t know how long, due to your amazing help…!

  4. I luv you~ I admire your unplugged August~ I wish I could do that! Maybe one day~ enjoy your weekend w/ Mr B! Hugs. Sober 164 days~ thank goodness for sober apps!

  5. Day 5 here. You helped me get away from the lurking and set up my blog. Thank you vey much for that. 🙂 I am currently trying to sit back and look at what happens with this amazing time change that is unfolding in my life. And trying to see what my first instinct is to fill it in. Currently: happy that I do absolutely nothing apart from groceries, cooking, blogreading and writing, watching Masterchef. Also wondering if I swapped ‘not wanting to be with myself booze life’ for ‘online life out there’. Next to that, your post make me aware that I have made BIG plans and in my dreams I am fantastic, weigh 30 kilo’s less, have an (great!) job and income, blablabla. Don’t want to be in the moment, don’t want to be pinned down doing the stupid things that I should do to make my life a good life, like paying bills, or cleaning, or changing sheets. I’m absolutely new at this but to me it feels like a big, big trap. Not sure how it works yet.

  6. I know where you are coming from Belle. Since retiring, I found myself wandering around the house with a list of possible hobbies in hand. Not quite feeling like doing any of them. Then it occurred to me…perhaps I should interact with PEOPLE! What a novel idea. So I have joined a New Neighbors club (even though I’ve lived here 8 years). Live people to talk to…what a concept. There must be live people where you live, right?

  7. Yup. And if I get past ‘what will I do this evening’ onto ‘what will I do in August’ I get to ‘and if I don’t know that, then what the fuck am I going to do with my life’? Not drink doesn’t seem to be a big enough answer. Still waiting for a better one to show. I think it will arrive before the end of Sober Jumpstart 100. Loving that. Thanks Belle.

  8. I’m also less than ecstatic about ‘the process’! I’m back to work on 8th September, so I have another week to go. At the beginning of the holidays I was jumping out of bed every morning, and I had big ideas for my free time. It’s been ace, I’ve done loads – some decorating, DIY projects, cleaning the house, de-cluttering and re-organising. So I am happy with what I’ve achieved – very productive. In the past week or two though, it has been harder to bounce out of bed, there’s still so much I haven’t done, and the first of four piped box cushions for my newly spray-painted dining chairs doesn’t look how I imagined it would. Grrr. And wolfie is whining. I’ve worked hard, I deserve a drink, right? I’m taking care of things, finishing projects, organising my life – I want a reward, damn it! But no, that can’t be wine. Ice cream it is, then! And reading, and watching a film, and a bath and an early night. Thanks, Belle. Oh, and f!@k you, wolfie!!

  9. I didn’t realize how much time I filled up by drinking. Yes, finding a life without booze is challenging. What to do with all those empty hours? Be productive? Why…I ask myself, so what? Anyway, one way I’m not spending my time is nursing hangovers and hating myself in the middle of the night when I wake up and the next morning, thinking “today! I’ll drink moderately”. Sure right.

  10. As a job seeker I now have a healthy aversion to the word process. Objection Your Honour! WHO says you just have to go through it??? Fuckers . . .
    Sending you hugs Belle xxx

  11. I think we’re sharing a brain on this one. I look forward to my staycation every year but always go back to work thinking I should have done “more.” Like if you don’t actually GO somewhere, you have to fill every minute of every day. Geez…maybe one day we’ll learn to “relax.” That whole “I should wake up early with enough energy to rule the world idea” is a real sober buzz kill.

Leave a Reply