no one has ever said anything to me

it’s 6 pm, the glasses are on the counter, i’m very careful to pour evenly, don’t want him to get more than me. sometimes i drink a bit from his glass before i give it to him, if it looks like he has more. sure, I’m officially still working, but no one can tell if i’m having wine while talking to clients on the phone.

how do i know that i’m hiding it so well?

no one has ever said anything to me.

how do i know i’m such a high functioner?

well i’ve never … missed a day of work (is that even true?), i’ve never lost a job (just done jobs poorly), i’ve not jeopardized my marriage (because i’ve trained him not to argue with me).

i’m not over drinking. how can I be? i do a bunch of things, run in a bunch of events, travel to here and there, and I answer the phone 3 hrs after my first glass of wine.

No one has ever said anything to me. Isn’t that on the questionnaires? “has anyone every commented to you that perhaps you’re drinking too much?” I can say no. so i must be fine.

are people afraid to say anything to me? I doubt it. i’m sure someone would say something. and no one has.

and anyway, there are other people who drink a LOT more than i do. It’s them who need to quit, not me.

what? how do i FEEL?

well i feel pretty tired to be honest, i feel kind of low grade malaise all the time. I know i should be further along in my career, marriage, finances, running and i’m just sort of treading water. and … well, to tell you the truth, some days i’m not really treading water at all. some days my chin is pretty close to the waterline. Yeah, some days my head dips below water for moments at a time. I disappear and then resurface.

What?

Oh, well, sure i’m probably drinking more and more as time goes on, but everybody does that, and I can handle my alcohol pretty well compared to most people.

Would i feel better if i quit drinking for awhile? Well sure, but who does that? I mean, who actually makes a change in their life so that they can feel better, feel less shame, less embarrassment, less guilt, feel less dehydrated, be closer to their husband, make better business decisions, have more adventures, and stop lying to themselves. I mean who does that?

yeah. well sober people do that. but i don’t think i could be a sober person.

do I want to feel better? sure. have I tried quitting drinking for a longer period of time? No i haven’t tried it.

I might like being sober? i doubt it. well, sure it’s possible that i might like it. I mean it’s ‘possible’. I have tried the other thing (drinking). I haven’t tried being sober yet.

but really, who does that? who makes decisions to feel better?

you. today.

 

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I’m tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

13 thoughts to “no one has ever said anything to me”

  1. No body ever said anything to me either.
    Making the decision to quit for 100 was a long time coming…lots of to and fro, from I don’t need to do this, there is no problem, to shit, if I don’t stop what will my life be? A neverending cycle of a life less lived….
    My route to starting to stop took five years more or less. Lots of lurking on sites, lots of fear, lots of denial, and lots of wine….

    The decision to stop drinking for 100 days happened kinda quietly, on the down low…

    It has been the best thing I have ever done….

    like Belle says give up for 100 and see how you how feel…

    Thanks Belle

  2. I love, love, love this one! It is so interesting how we have such similar thoughts as one another. Well, probably all one voice, named ‘Wolfie.’ Thanks for writing and posting this!

  3. Recalling the days of trying to convince my Grandmother that despite the MD20/20 with 7Up for midmorning tea, I had no problem. She got to see me recovered and for that I will always be grateful.

    Thanks for this post, Belle, it brings back all the reasons why…

    1. Good Luck Iris – This sober thing that we have all started here with Belle has changed so many lives! It will be difficult, but remember, YOU are worth it.

  4. So either I am not the “special snowflake” I thought I was or someone has been spying on me 😉 (the part about making sure the wine glasses are even and sipping from his!) Still recovering from a major binge over the weekend, happily though, stumbled across this community on Monday. Took the plunge and today is Day 1 – not the first Day 1 mind you (but the first in a while) and maybe not the last or even the 17th. We shall see. Thank you for being here for me to find.

    1. Yay, Seasealya! Maybe this will be the Day #1 that leads to 10 that leads to 30 that leads to 100, and who knows what goodness after that! Love your ‘special snowflake’ comparison- once we drill down, it is amazing how similar the experience has been for we who allow wine or other alcohol to assume a more important parts in our lives than we really want.

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