dear universe: i’m leaving the rest up to you

happy sober sunday. this unplugged thing has been mixed this week. I love all the free time and getting out into the world every day. I’m making good use of my monthly metro pass. The weather isn’t quite warm enough (18C/70F) and it’s been pretty grey/rainy all month.

I’m also missing the time i usually spend answering sober emails, and i really squirm when i spend my allocated time and then close the computer with emails left answered. each day i go back into my inbox, answer messages, chat with folks, and then i have to force myself to stop. You know the feeling of never being caught up. that feeling. that’s what i squirm against.

i know it’s a form of diversion – being online is easier in some ways than figuring out what i want to do this afternoon. But also, it’s a way of making myself seem so damn important (Look at all these emails! i must log-in right now and work for 6 hrs and answer them all!).

i’ve toyed with some really super all-or-nothing thinking (i.e. “i can’t do this unplugged thing again, i need to answer all of my emails every day” … and then i swing to “i should just go offline entirely for 2 weeks and not even see the messages there, then they i won’t feel like i’m missing out.”)

so.

i keep going. this week i had 3 out of 5 days that were truly blissful, and two days where i felt irritated and out of my skin.

we’ve had two visits to see a new apartment and we’ve said “yes we want this one” and now the owners are scrutinizing our finances with a fine-toothed-foreign-comb. can you provide this? not really. do you have this kind of document like we do? no.

that foreign-paperwork-feeling of not knowing what to expect. last night when i went to sleep, i said (repeatedly): “dear universe. I’ve done my best with the paperwork, i can’t give them any more than this, i’m leaving the rest up to you. i’ve done my best. there’s nothing else i can do. except give up trying to control what happens next.” i slept poorly. today, right on schedule, the owners asked for our tax returns filed here (we don’t have them). and so now i sigh. and go offline. and wait for the grey to lift. for the good news to come. for the equilibrium to re-establish itself.

i’m going for a run (good news). and i’m going to listen to the This American Life podcast (super good news). i’m going to trust that i have enough karma in the bank. i’m going to relax into how great it’s going to be in the new apartment – this one i’m working on today or whatever one it turns out to be. i’m going to fucking generate some sun already, come on now weather gods, can you smile on me just.a.bit? really?

well.

you asked how the unplugged thing was going …

now you know ๐Ÿ™‚

UPDATE: we got the apartment.
even without tax forms. even without domestic revenue. even without …
turns out we are likeable (!)
yeah hooray for the universe and good karma and good wishes. cool. we’re moving!
time for me to go out right now 5:30 pm local time, and find some cake. right now.

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I’m tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

11 thoughts to “dear universe: i’m leaving the rest up to you”

  1. Belle: You have enough Karma in spades (does that even make sense as a saying). What will be. will be right? If that one doesn’t work–there is an even better one around the corner for you.

  2. That’s the thing isn’t it? You can only influence so much and then it’s out of your hands. I try and live by what my grandfather told me as a child ‘what’s before you will not go past you’ – when I remind myself of that it helps me relax a bit, knowing that what is meant to be will be. I’m only on day 5 today so that thought is in my mind a lot! I hope it might help you too. Much love, Jen. X

  3. And PS I’ve tried moderation before and it doesn’t work for me either, I’m too all or nothing to like moderation or make it work ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. I am in the limbo of waiting for credit/background/reference checks for new permanent (not temp) job which I really want. I have been feeling really um, clothes hanger, about it the last couple days because I decided that I really want this one job.

    I am so afraid to get my hopes up.

    I know how you feel. I’m worried I’ll be totally crushed if it gets held up due to some fluke technicality, or irrational level of scrutiny and ‘give up’.
    I have spent so much energy on the interviews over the last month.

    I remind myself of a scripture: We may be perplexed but (God) Universe does not leave us without a way out! And sometimes, that turns out to be even better than what we had in mind. I can attest to that.

    Paws crossed for the apartment, it’ll be ok! You’re right to focus on the positive.

    Enjoy your time off while you can. I’m doing fine and understand if you don’t reply to all my emails right now or ever. Writing them helps.

    hugs,
    -L.

  5. Congrats on the new apartment!! For all the good things you bring into people’s lives; you definitely deserve happy times ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. Belle that’s wonderful news about your new home! Congratulations! Universe can’t help but notice the hope and peace you are putting out there for others- you deserve to have your cake and eat it too!! xx

  7. I’m watching my phone, waiting waiting waiting for a call about this job. I had a wry laugh when I logged in and saw the title “dear universe: I’m leaving the rest up to you”. Okaaaaay. Breathe. Thanks once again Belle and congrats on the apartment. xxx

  8. Really chuffed for you getting the apartment . Think your doing a wonderful job, helping so many .. Enjoy the time away from the computer:)

Leave a Reply