“i think it wants life”

From my inbox:

Adam: “It silly for me to care what people think about me not drinking. And why should they care? As Jodi Picoult put it, ‘If you spent your life concentrating on what everyone else thought of you, would you forget who you really were? What if the face you showed the world turned out to be a mask… with nothing beneath it?’ I think deep inside I have monster. It needs to feed. And I have mistaken its hunger for wanting booze and the soft whispering night of a party. But sitting here, alone in the dark, I think it wants life. To feed on the new and the knowledge the world has to offer. What does this mean for me? To want to taste everything and nothing? I wonder when I wake, will I see the man that has learned from his actions; or the boy that is missing the party? All I know is I can send my random thoughts your way. That’s something, well more than that. And I like the unusual; good you held on to that part of yourself. Unusual is the best part of everyone.’

~

Meagan (day 54): (from a list of 10 things that have changed since being 50 days sober) “(8) I have no problem saying “NO” to people now. I used to be a major people pleaser and I still am (it’s innate) but I now have no trouble leaving a party or declining an invite to a party or dinner/drinks or anything else with my friends when I would rather just do my own thing. (9) I SLEEP like a baby (for the most part) and therefore don’t need nearly as many hours of sleep as I used to think I did.  I would still LOVE to get 10 hours of sleep a night but I can get 6 and still be 100% functional at work and not feel like shit. (10) I DON’T DRINK! And if I hadn’t stumbled upon your website and the team 100 challenge and actually signed up and done that first one-on-one call with you, I can guarantee you I would have done my usual 30 days sober and then have gone out to one ‘dinner’ with my friends and had 3 bottles of wine and been right back where I started. I was really good at starting to stop but had no clue how to keep it up.  And now I know I have to actually think about it and work on it every single day.  I would never expect to just wake up and know how to play the guitar one day, so I’m not sure how I thought I would just magically be a ‘non-drinker’ without practicing and/or having a teacher. So, THANK YOU, BELLE! *cyber hug!!*  And I’m not a hugger (at all)…maybe that’s coming in the next 50 days…??  ha ha  That will truly freak my friends out.”

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

One thought on ““i think it wants life”

  1. When I think about where I was and where I am now after 67 days sober, I am sometimes disturbed by what I see. I used to drink when I got mad. I didn’t necessarily feel better, but I didn’t feel either. Now, I throw things and sit and wallow in it because I am by myself and can’t resolve anything. Really passed off and tired of dealing with people.

    Dena

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