soon i will realize that i’ve stopped counting …

from me:

i’m not settling into this (mostly) unplugged August thing very evenly. like most adjustment periods, i’m having wildly fluctuating levels of motivation. i’m alternatively going to clean the apt from top to bottom, or i’m going to be in my jammies until 5:15 pm (that’s right now, and yes I am). I’m going to either change the world … or play online video games for 4 hrs on a sunny day.

i know, from sobriety, that changing a thing takes more than 6 days to feel normal about it. i keep remembering how i felt in early sobriety… watching the clock, is it over yet? how much longer. god this part is long. itchy in my own skin. robbed of my normal coping strategies. can’t go online? well then my life is so BORING… hahaha. sound familiar?

at least I do know that somewhere down the line, some magical day (9 or 12 or 16), i will realize that i’ve stopped counting, i’ve stopped waiting for online-oclock, that i’m just being.

and like a truly impatient perfectionist that I am, i want that to happen right.fucking.now.

so instead. make curried chicken. wear jammies till 5:25 pm (now) and then drag ass to shower. eat lunch? haven’t done that yet. go outside? haven’t done that either. I did finish one book, start another, and read a boring newspaper. my dreams of this radically charming life of golden sunshine have been rained on today by big clouds and bursts of thunder. another failed apartment viewing (too loud, too far).

where is my mojo? where is my Perky? i want to wake up Perky.

what a gigantic whiner i am.

From my inbox:

Spritzer (day 100): “Hi Belle, woke up excited this morning. Day 100 is actually here!!!!! I never thought, when I started, that I would ever get to this place. I doubt very much, that I could have done it without your support and without reading other peoples experience on your blog. All I can say is thank you.

Having a coffee this morning, planning treats all day. 100 days sober sure has taught me many new things. I’m not done yet so: ‘I’ve done 100 days sober, and I know my life is better. It’s not always easy, but I am moving in the right direction. I’d like to see what happens next. I will not drink for 180 days. Not even if my friends/partner/mum drinks. Not if I lose my job, have surgery or have several generally crappy days in a row. No matter what. Because this experience is too precious to give up.”

~

G286 (day 28): “I just read your ‘selling hope‘ post. It’s funny because so many sites sell bullshit promises. I was wary of your site – and I suppose you – at first. I can’t think why. After all,it is the interweb – it’s not as if there are a lot of bogus nut jobs on there (ha!). I think the most valuable stuff on your site you give freely – in the sense of with a generosity of spirit – and for free. I also think you are honest about how you live and how you have to make money. I think you are really gentle about how you do the paid for stuff and compared with what some charlatans charge for ‘lifestyle, self help, fairy dust…whatever,” your stuff is really fairly priced and people know exactly what they are getting.

… (I worry about your ‘hand to mouth existence’) . However, I think part of what works about what you do is the fact that you are not a corporation or a brand.

Honestly, I don’t think I would have stopped drinking or fully faced my problem without you. Oh and still sober btw.

PS telling people they won’t lose weight and will feel like shit and sleep all the time [in early sobriety] isn’t really selling hope ha, ha.”

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

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