i fail at life today.

I fail at life today. didn’t get dressed until 8 pm. and then only to go buy penne for the dinner i’m making, when i discovered the box of pasta only had one cup of penne in it and the recipe calls for three. I’m not the only one who cooks here. I am, though, the only one who maintains a grocery list. le sigh.

i fail at life today. I am about to leave for vacation in a few weeks and have my assistant lined up to cover for me and it’s still not enough. design client wants more from me. it’s her phd. her deadline has been moved. she needs me. she needs me during my vacation. no i can’t change my vacation. someone else asks the same thing though realizes it can’t be done. they ask, i kindly say no.

i fail at life today. I had the most delicious homemade raisin bread for breakfast (i rock) and therefore skipped my usual protein-filled egg and asparagus. I failed at lunch, too, by having (fucking gasp) frozen pizza that was soggy and weird.

I fail at life today. It has been miserably rainy and cold for about 10 days, and I just don’t feel like doing anything. I tried slips of paper and got through only three of them before i was watching Restaurant Impossible and eating crackers.

I fail at life today. I have a full inbox. A full voice mail box. I am sober. that might be my only notable achievement today.

While standing in the lineup to pay for my one box of penne, i could see the alcohol bottles behind the cash register. they were talking to me, the bottles. they were saying “It’s too bad you have that whole sober thing. Why can’t you be normal and just have a few glasses and then start counting again … or just say that your total is 740 (minus 2). continuous days don’t really matter you know. Fuck it. Who says? Why did you create your stupid website anyway. Now you’re trapped and you have to stay sober. Or else.”

I walk home in the drizzle. I tell wolfie that i can’t “do as i say and not as i do,” and so i have to say to myself what i’d say to someone else. my wolfie is the same as everyone else’s. i’m not special. So i say:  dear wolfie. the days do matter. the fact that the bottles still speak to me, that I would even entertain booze for a second is proof that i cannot drink. don’t you see wolfie, normal drinkers never have conversations like this. the bottles don’t speak to normal drinkers, wolfie, not ever. Normal drinkers don’t think “maybe i can drink now and be sober later.” only wolfies say that, wolfie. only you say that. and that you say this shit, is just proof that i can’t drink. don’t you see it? that you even try to convince me IS THE PROOF that i can’t drink. giving up booze has been the best thing i’ve done ever (since getting married, which was – for a girl like me – truly a landslide victory).

i say: wolfie, i’ll tell you what i tell everyone else. I’m not drinking today and i’ll go to bed grumpy if necessary, and i’ll feel better tomorrow. and I’ll eat more raisin bread if necessary. and pineapple upside down cake while SITTING in the tub. and wolfie, you can suck it.

and by the time i get home with the box of penne, he is gone. he hates being confronted with “i hear you – but the answer is no.”

~

Happy Day 50 to Ditto!

Happy Day 50 to Sareet M!

Happy Day 50 to FindingShannon!

Happy Day 100 to Dawnfair!

Happy Day 180 to Bess!

Happy Day 180 to Shawn!

Happy Day 180 to Lindsey!

Happy Day 200 to SJP!

Happy Day 700 to Katherine!

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I’m tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

29 thoughts to “i fail at life today.”

  1. The good thing about your day is that it proves to the rest of us out here in blog-land, who pretty much believe you are a super-woman, that you are really just human. Just another la girl trying to get sober. Struggling sometimes, but bashing down Wolfie with verbal abuse until he slinks away.
    A bad day? Perhaps. A failure? Never.

    1. Work frustrations make me want to eat pizza and drink too. Wolfie is so desperate always waiting for an opportunity to sneak in, but you know that he’s just a bunch of crap! He will never make things better! I think when Wolfie appears he’s letting us know we have an emotion to tend to or we need to sleep and take care of ourselves.

    2. Agree with Wren here. Sometimes even through everything you say about getting sober I’m not sure that you understand or ever had a problem but this shows you do you are who you say and that wolf call no matter how distance can still sometimes be heard in the dead of night or in the day time. Well done for resisting and thanks for sharing. I stopped wearing my FU-Wolfe bracelet and starting thinking about wine again. I forgot the magic powers it has. I’ve started wearing it again and I’m stronger and resisting thanks for blessing it with some sober powers. Lots of love belle the doom will pass. And this too will pass xxx

  2. So you really succeed at life today. Just like you have the last 700+ days. AND you wrote me an e-mail and helped me today, something I needed so much. Thank YOU. So, you SUCCEED at life today, once again. Big giant HUG to YOU.

  3. …And I agree with wren1450 as well! Yes, I do know you are a super-woman (smile), but it does help knowing that you have struggles just like me, just like us…thank you for sharing.

  4. Sounds like you had a really shitty day, and yet you were still able to kick Wolfie’s ass! Go Belle! I hope tomorrow is better.
    P.S. Loved the “older adult sobriety blogs” search phrase from yesterday. Stay Here hearing aids for the sober store? I could use one! Think about it. 😉

  5. It’s good to be reminded that even if it quiets for a while, that little voice is still Wolfe. It’s not the smarter, soberer you who can handle the wine.
    No. It’s just Wolfe. And I won’t listen either.
    Thanks!

  6. Like the others have said, Belle, your day ended as a success. So what if you laid around and ate like crap for ONE day? We all deserve a day like that once in a while. And, like they also said, you rock for being real and letting those of us just behind on you on the path that Wolfie is always lurking in the shadows–we may not see him for quite a while (as has been for me in the past), but he is always there waiting and hoping we’ll come back to him. I’m with you, and the rest of us here: Eff you, Wolfie.

    Love and Peace, Zelda

  7. You did not fail at life today . I read this on someone’s blog the other day – “every day sober is a Triumph”
    Belle , your day was in fact a triumph!!! That’s all it takes . Sobriety .
    And more a triumph because I , and others out there are also sober today because of you 🙂

  8. YOU ARE A FUCKING AWESOME ROCKSTAR! I
    love your raw honesty and for being real with us. It always gives me peace of mind knowing that you truly are just like me 🙂

  9. Thanks for sharing this~ bad days are good sometimes b/c it shows us if we hang on the day shall pass! Belle I’m glad you started this sober blog, not just for you but us bc we followed your footsteps! Hugs!

  10. Sorry Belle but there is no way you failed at life today. Please don’t say that. Heck you’re the reason I started to blog and you’re the reason I’m having my very first sober vacation. Yeah, so what you had a bad day but in no way did you fail! “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift! Your a gift to me and a lot of others!

  11. agree with wren,zelda..everybody!!you are a bad ass babe and we are your posse!!you gave wolfie a major smackdown once again..i’m hearing the rocky theme xoxoxo

  12. It is with immense pleasure I sit on the sidelines and quietly cheer for each and every one of you as you make this incredible journey. Strength, determination, support, tenacity, concern and care for each other… All these combine and like a synergistic implosion, out come sober, sane, productive, purposeful people who have faith in themselves after accomplishing a hard thing and faith in the community which helped make that possible.

    Thank you for sharing it.

  13. What else can I add that others have not said yet? Maybe just that your “I fail at life today” generated not only lots of supportive comments but also admiration and gratitude for your honesty. Thank you!!!

  14. Oh, I have been failing at life for a gaggle of days. I’m on a failing streak. Bedtimes can’t come early enough. Twizzlers have served as dinner *twice.*

    I have perfected the pity party as yesterday was my Day 30 and tho I told anybody who would listen, the ticker tape parade that I clearly deserved for breathing air, hiding in bed and avoiding booze did not magically appear. So here I sit – party hat affixed w/ elastic under chin, deflated balloon in hand, totally killing this failing thing.

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