sunny in my head

greetings from the land of sunny, early 6 a.m. mornings, and the first of 4 days of catering. Can you smell the garlic bread? or the strawberry cake?

the land of sunny. sunshine. it’s my drug of choice. i believe this to be true. not just vitamin D (though i’m sure that helps) but being outside in warm temperatures seems to recharge me, like i can open the top of my head and let the sunshine fill me up. something about childhood time spent at the beach maybe? at my grandmother’s cottage, reading teen magazines in a hammock (do you think shaun cassidy would love me if he met me in real life?). there, i’ve just dated myself. big tubes of lipsmacker pasty chapstick shit that tasted like root beer. i had a big plastic comb and it was cool for it to be showing from the back pocket of my very dark blue ‘designer’ jeans.

and it’s not like being a teenager was sunshine. in fact, most of it was hideous. i worked as a babysitter (often, always, sometimes daily) to have spending money. if i wanted some “gee your hair smells terrific” shampoo, i had to buy it myself. once, while still in elementary school, i printed up flyers that said “no job too big or small” and was hired to wash baseboards in some granny’s apartment. she served me a bologna sandwich on a tv tray and we watched The Price is Right. i earned $3.

not much has changed. i work to earn my spending money (!) but i have the pleasure of being self-employed. my work life is as exciting as i want to make it. more clients? up to me. create a new class or go back to bed? up to me. have regular catering clients (this week) + 2 days of private meal catering all back to back starting today? up to me.

have a sober life so that i can see what happens next? up to me. have a higher possibility of reaching my ‘potential’ whatever in the fuck that is if i stay sober. up to me. delete emails that complain about my swearing? up to me (ha). delete emails that say in month 8 you seemed really weak, you need to grow a set of balls and toughen up… can i delete that message? yup. up to me. funny cuz i’m still sober now, nearly at 2 years. so i figure in month 8, whatever i was going through i obviously learned something, survived, and kept on going 🙂

sunshine.

OK it’s not all unicorns and sunshine. not every single day. but being sober dramatically increases the likelihood of sunshine … in the weather and in my head.

~

Happy Day 50 to JenniferKay!

Happy Day 50 to Anita!

Happy Day 50 to Burke!

Happy Day 50 to Flaura!

Happy Day 100 to Maria!

Happy Day 100 to Pinchy!

Happy Day 180 to KateF!

Happy Day 180 to Robert!

Happy Day 200 to Denise!

Happy Day 200 to Healthappiness!

Happy Day 200 to Changingmylifeat60!

Happy Day 200 to Jenisthesoberist!

Happy Day 500 to Jen!

Happy Day 500 to Debra!

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I’m tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

18 thoughts to “sunny in my head”

  1. Love this post, Belle. Really encapsulates the joy of being one’s own boss in whatever way suits – work-wise, mentally, physically and emotionally. This journey was/is at times still/may well be still hard but you were so right – the hardest was at the beginning, the seemingly endless day 1s – now being overtaken by the sheer pleasure of PRESENCE and sunshine and children’s stories and tea and hopping into bed reading and so much more – I can’t believe for how long, as a ‘boss’, I was ripping myself off. Hugs and thanks xxx

  2. I am such a positive person and I loved this post. I am based in enough reality to know life is not all glitter and sparkles but I still like to look for the best in life and being sober does it for me. Rachael, I had too many day ones as well, but maybe they are what made it possible for us to be where we are now! I’m not the boss in my job and most likely never will be, but I am now clearly the boss in my life and I don’t want to rip myself off any more either. (((()))) to all!

  3. Loved this post, too!!! It really resonated with me & where I’m at lately. Also love that you delete emails from grumpy people. =)

  4. Drinking left me feeling like I had no right to choices and I was just renting a space in this body. I can’t tell you how much pure joy I get from taking control over the littlest of things. I’m finally taking ownership of me and I have to say driving this car is much more satisfying than simply being a passenger.

  5. “reaching my ‘potential’ whatever in the fuck that is” – reaching ones potential is highly over-rated.

    “delete emails that complain about my swearing?” WTF, Belle swears?

    “delete emails that say in month 8 you seemed really weak, you need to grow a set of balls and toughen up…” I’ve been under the impression that Belle has balls as big as bowling balls.

    :O

  6. I enjoyed this post. I am only on Day 4, but I went to work wide eyed and bushy tailed for the first time in months. I am so looking forward to getting past the first 30 days and really seeing what is in store for me. Thank you for posting.

  7. I wonder what it’s about in month 8. That’s when I wobbled and fell. Not much sunshine for several years. On day 25…can i go ahead and reserve your balls for this coming January?

  8. While it’s not all unicorns and sunshine every day, the sky is free of that huge cloud I used to see every day that was my acknowledged “I drink too much” issue. Meaning that I know now that when the sun DOES come out (and the unicorn chooses to appear), I get to enjoy them 100%, fully and without guilt, and I won’t be too fuzzy to miss them stopping by.
    Amos

  9. Favorite part of this post? Up to me. Up to me. Up to me. So empowering. Becoming sober is actually empowering. Who’d a thunk it?

    1. Omg! Loved Shaun Cassidy too! Had the exact same comb in my designer jeans that I had to buy myself with babysitting lol! Thanks for trip down memory lane. Love that your the boss if you and fuck those that can’t handle a little swearing

  10. This post actually brought tears to my eyes. I think it was like a slap in the face (a nice slap) its up to me!! now to go get myself my own bit of sunshine! Thanks Belle x

Leave a Reply