I’m patient right up until i’m not

from me:

i wrote this to Amy this morning:

viewing apartments for rent is like internet dating. nice on the phone? disappointing in person. nice photos? lied about his height. good location, good price, close to metro? has laminate flooring that must have only cost $70 to do the entire apartment (new!), already completely unstuck in places.

To be fair, we’ve only seen 4 flats so far. and we have months and months before we have to move. so we’re waiting. This thing i’ve learned in sobriety is that stuff can’t be forced. Shit has its own time. and yeah, I’ll happen faster if i don’t strain.

I’m also trying to consider what I DO want, rather than focussing on what i don’t want. i don’t want to have the second fridge in my bedroom … that becomes “I’d like to put the second fridge in the office or in the hallway.”  I don’t want northern exposure, turns into “I’d like a place with a lot of light.”

i know all that law of attraction seems too subtle (and too bull-shitty). but i think I can, to a large extent, decide HOW I think about things, and then that also changes how I FEEL about things.

oh you know, it’s the whole “i hate giving up booze” (focussed on what you think you’re missing) versus focussing on what you’re getting: “i don’t drink and so i have better sleep, better skin, a bigger bank account, less arguments, fewer tears, more books read, sober belly laughs.”

Dear universe. are you listening? yeah of course you are. I’m focussed on an apt. that is larger than where we are now, relatively the same part of town, brighter, with a nice kitchen (counters for rolling out pastry) and a nook or room where i can tuck the second fridge. And real floors. I’m not being difficult, I’m OK with good quality wood laminate floors, but vinyl tile sheets with faux wood grain that are glued down are simply too fucking painful, and look like 1970s rec room walls. not that i’m focussing on what i don’t want. No. Not me.

I want what i want when i want it. I’m patient right up until i’m not (ha!).

I’m glad i’m doing this now and not while i was sick at christmas. I’m glad the weather is better and it’s very sunny and warm.

I’m glad that thunderstorms wake me at night.

I’m glad it’s a faux holiday and so everyone is away (again!).

i’m glad that looking for a new apartment is my biggest worry these days.

how fucking lucky is that.

at least, that’s how i’m choosing to look at things today.

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I’m tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

6 thoughts to “I’m patient right up until i’m not”

  1. Yes Belle. It just a matter of semantics. Are we taking something away or giving ourselves a wonderful gift. By the way. Thanks so much for the shout out this morning. Don’t know how you keep track of each of us, but it’s sure fun to see our names up in lights!

  2. Wisdom, wit, perspective all in one email. Brilliant. I love how you focus on spinning your thoughts in a positive way…focus on what you do want (who was encouraged as a child to state your wants?), this subtle change in thinking is profound. I can say what I want…I may not always get it but I am entitled to acknowledge it, say it, ask for it. And, yes, these are good problems…gratitude always (when I take time to focus on it).
    LD

    1. a ‘faux holiday’ … well, it seems to be a religious holiday that apparently no one celebrates, but everyone is happy to have the day off school, and the banks are closed…

  3. Ah, Belle, I can so relate! I’m patient….as long as it doesn’t take too long! And your post really made me think about my tendency to force things. I’m sure that has something to do with my control freakish tendencies. But Day 6 is arriving just as it should for me, in its own time. As I hope your ideal flat will for you.

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