Tired of Thinking About Drinking

a chicken with no feathers and no skin

Will they notice if I fill up my glass again, I mean the bottle is right here in front of me. Why are they all drinking so slowly. Where’s the waiter? God the wine can’t come fast enough. Do i have enough at home to continue? No, probably not, better stop on the way home and get more. Oh forget it, I’ll get Mr. B to go. I work hard you know. He should be the one to go out in the snow at 11 pm to get more wine, not me. Why are the people at the next table so loud? God, are we that loud? That woman is looking at me like i have shit on my face. god what did i just say? i can’t remember. Nothing good apparently.

~ yes, that’s me. my real thoughts. a billion times i had these exact thoughts. for years and years. Yes I’m sober now. and yes I do remember what it’s like to be drinking more than i wanted to, and finding it impossible to moderate, or to quit for more than a couple of days. I felt shitty a lot of the time. i didn’t like myself very much. Mostly i hated the fact that i couldn’t count on myself.

You may think i live in a fabulous glass house of sobriety now that i’m past one year sober. But i remember what it was like. And if for one second i begin to get complacent, I’ve had emails from 1087 people reminding me what day 1 is like (and apparently day 1 is truly sucky).

Yes. The first time you go to a party as a newly sober person it’s a bit weird and tense. Yes, i remember, i was there, i did that. Yes. The first time you go on vacation as a newly sober person anxiety-provoking. Well, it was for me. I felt like — not a chicken with her head cut off — but like a chicken with no feathers and no skin. Just a crazy naked hen running around, bare naked. I felt like all of my protective feathers, my security blanket, my crutches had been removed. Did i survive? yes. do i now like sober vacations? very much so. Did i think they sucked rocks at first? yes. (and to be fair, my first sober christmas wasn’t a dream either and the second one i was in hospital / sick & recovering, so can’t really say that’s much of an improvement!)

Do i seem carefree, and that my sober life is divine? maybe. most days it is. and in the many-hundred days that i’ve been sober, i’ve had my fair share of shitty “i want to drink” days. I don’t know, maybe i’ve had 100 truly wolfie-shitty days since i started this. and every one of them i managed to get through (using all variety of sober tools, but crying comes to mind as a good coping mechanism for me, as does sleep, as does cake. i’ve eaten plenty of cake since i started this.)

Is it worth it?

Yes.

Do i want another day 1?

No.

Do I think being sober is the greatest thing since sliced bread?

No.

But it’s fucking light years better than the alternatives.

~

Happy Day 50 to LaLaLa!

Happy Day 50 to Carebear!

Happy Day 50 to Joyful!

Happy Day 50 to Nikki!

Happy Day 50 to Derek!

Happy Day 50 to Trenton!

Happy Day 50 to Momma B!

Happy Day 100 to Going2Pieces!

Happy Day 100 to Gabe!

Happy Day 100 to Anastasia!

Happy Day 180 to RF!

Happy Day 180 to Michael!

Happy Day 180 to Christine!

Happy Day 180 to Tina B!

Happy Day 180 to Pickleball!

Happy Day 180 to KnxGrl!

Happy Day 180 to Brid!

Happy Day 200 to Nicole!

Happy Day 200 to Drusty!

Happy Day 200 to Kirst!

 

 

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16 thoughts on “a chicken with no feathers and no skin

  1. Martha C on said:

    Perfectly said. I agree so much with your statement that sobriety is not the greatest thing since sliced bread. Sobriety is fucking hard, hard, hard. But so are most things worth having. And after decades of drinking I can honestly say being a drunk sucks!

  2. OMG, I had all those same thoughts every time we went out. Hmm, I finished my wine, no one else is done, can I order another without seeming like a drunk? I drank two to every one else’s one. And then went home and drank some more.

  3. I like that realism: sobriety, it’s better than the alternatives. Reminds me of that Churchill quote about democracy: …democracy is the worst form of government except for all the others that have been tried. Nothing’s perfect, eh? Well, I’ve certainly tried the alternatives to sobriety! Only fair to give it a good go now….
    xxx

  4. Thank you so much for this post. I really feel like a naked chicken so frequently now. Which is one of the reasons I have decided for the next 100 days, I am not going to be in social gatherings where people are drinking period, because this feeling is just too uncomfortable for me. But I do eventually want to go to parties sober, and not it let rock me…

    • And you will be able to go to parties without feeling so weird. I promise that for most people that naked chicken feeling subsides with a few months of solid sobriety under your belt. I waited a couple years before I went to a party where it was all drinkers but I was in Key West when I quit and that town drinks 24/7 so it was around me all the time. The feelings of being the “odd one out” also passed in a little while. It became fun to watch others and be grateful I was choosing another path.

  5. SueW on said:

    Thank you. So tired of all the day ones and I WILL make this my last one. I really do like sober so much better.

  6. wanda on said:

    Another post that cuts to the heart.

    Ugh.

    I would send my husband out at 11:00PM to get more. In fact, I would send him at 1:30AM when I started to panic that I wouldn’t have enough to fall asleep (euphemism for “pass out”).

    More power to you if you enjoy parties sober. Maybe all my “friends” are abject drunks, because I am resolved to be perfectly fine never going to a party again. Especially after the last one when I had over 30 days sober on the 100 day challenge and a friend literally poured me a glass of Chardonnay. I had told her I quit drinking. She put it in my hand over and over (I kept setting on an end table, not drinking it). In all fairness, she did not sit on my chest and force it down my throat. Then when I finally started drinking, I did not stop until I was blotto. Then she took pictures of me drunk and wanted to post them on Facebook. I threatened her with incriminated information in my possession, so no posting occurred. I am sure she messaged them around, though.

    So, more power to you if you can enjoy parties, Belle. Parties are not for me.

    • oh when I say I enjoy parties … maybe I should be more specific 🙂 I like parties where the prime intent isn’t to drink. like dinner parties, or movies, or games. if it’s about drinking, then I’m good for about 1.5 hrs then I get bored. same in a pub or other ‘beer garden’ environment. it’s just not fun being around boozers. mostly, they’re boring… and loud. and it all smells bad.

  7. tiree on said:

    Reblogged this on Tiree Diary and commented:
    Amen.

  8. mary on said:

    It is a rough journey, but so worth it! To be free of that constant voice inside me that obcessed about alcohol is priceless. I would nit trade it for anything in the world.

  9. Hana on said:

    Spot on! I think it’s very challenging to re-learn how to be in control of our lives and let that small voice of contentment have it’s say again. We were so used to be driven by the forces inside us. Regret, drink, release, regret, drink, release, regret. Quite maddening stuff! I’m just now getting how truly compelled, even bewitched, I was by the false promises of booze. Undoubtably we are a thousand times better off without it, mostly because sobriety provides the time, patience and control needed to work on the life we have, and the one we want. I’m on Day 198, and my sober life is no where near perfect, in fact my flaws are lately more apparent than ever! I don’t think this is very surprising considering that many things took on a life of their own during my drinking. It’s like I’m just reeling stuff back in now, cleaning it up, and ultimately figuring out if its baggage or helpful tools. It’s tough at times, but it’s worth it!!! P.S. I love me a sober vacation, naked chicken and all! -Hana

  10. Mostly i hated the fact that i couldn’t count on myself. That statement really hit me, Belle. Now I can count on myself to always be there – for me and others.

  11. Pingback: Day 2 | Early Sobriety

  12. Love this~ it is so true! Like you always said, once you break that cycle and you ride it out & don’t drink even if the world is coming to an end, it is possible to enjoy sobriety in all areas of life. OMG i don’t want anymore day 1’s and if I had emails daily of many Day 1 stories, I would run the other direction too. Thanks again for all you do and thanks for the shout out! Hugs!

  13. I’m on day 5 and am already dreading/anticipating the vacation I have scheduled for the end of June with a bunch of gf’s. What’s the point of going to a Mexican beach if you can’t have a margarita or a pina colada, right? I haven’t told my friends about my new found sobriety and am struggling with debate about whether to do so. I have been so preoccupied about THAT, that it just dawned on me that this weekend (Memorial Day Weekend) as I drive out of state to spend a weekend with two other couples in the country that drinking is probably going to the main mode of entertainment.. I will make it through, I am confident but nervous just the same. This is the first comment I’ve ever left on a blog..

    • Hi there, welcome to the world of sober blogging! you might want to wait to worry about the june vacation about 3 days before you leave! you’re going to feel much different with 4 more weeks sobriety under your belt. RE this weekend, you can let people know in advance that you’re ‘taking a break’ from drinking (and you can say you’re on antibiotics or doing a detox or whatever you feel comfortable with). And read lots of sober blogs! Hugs, Belle xo

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