new me version 2.0

There’s really no question: I wasn’t going to drink. But I had been feeling quit shitty/ansty for days. It has now resolved itself. But it lasted for about 2 weeks off and on. “Is this forever, this all feels fake, I am a fraud, nothing matters, sobriety doesn’t matter. blah blah.” Just a low grade malaise.

Then this past Saturday, when I had my Life O’Clock realization, well since then I’ve been feeling much, much better. It’s like all of a sudden i got a glimpse of a new, future me. And with certain clarity I know that the New Me Version 2.0 will not occur if I’m drinking. Will not. Cannot.

Tomorrow is Mr. Belle’s one year sober-versary. He’s been talking of drinking again. I think part of me looked too far forward, imagined hanging out with him and his boozy friends while we’re on vacation. Last year that part of the visit was a miserable evening, i can’t imagine how much worse it would be if he is drinking too.

Selfishly, it has been a relief to have him sober this past year. Selfish, because he doesn’t have a wolfie voice, he’s not a boozer. But me. it’s all about me, right? It’s easier for ME if he’s sober. and yet, i know he has his own life path. My guess is he’ll drink once or twice, decide he doesn’t like it, and then return to being sober. I’ve asked him a few times what his plans are for tomorrow and they’re pretty vague.

Also, as is now commonplace and usual for me, we have a visa meeting tomorrow, and this always winds me up: “will we be able to stay, will they find something offensive about my north american bank accounts, will they give me shit for not speaking better foreign language if i’m asking about landed immigrant status. will they drop some big fucking bomb that will require us (again) to be extorted by an immigration lawyer.”  Living abroad when you’re not sponsored by your job is a weird balancing act of trying to navigate on your own versus hugely gigantic lawyer bills. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

until it does work. until we’ve been here long enough to be citizens. until. until. soon-come.

and so for now, i look at today. i do sort of know that it will be all OK tomorrow. i’m not really as stressed as i’ve been for other visa meetings. They’re up Mr. B’s nose and there’s nothing he can do to please them, so they’ve called us both in together.  I’m bitchier and more forceful (ha!) and i’m coming armed with (literally) 500 pages of supporting paperwork. Hopefully they will stop fucking with us. until next year.

I will celebrate tomorrow with a vegetarian falafel. and my twice-a-year can of coke.

And on a really good note, my jewelry lady has designed a brand new “It’s About Time” bracelet (leather!) and it’ll be unveiled just as soon as all of the treat boxes are sold. 4 left. you know me. i can’t do more than one thing at a time.

~

Happy Day 50 to FU Wolfie

Happy Day 50 to Julie 7567

Happy Day 50 to mski

Happy Day 50 to PSmith

Happy Day 50 to HG

Happy Day 50 to shannonluvsdean

Happy Day 100 to Jacques

Happy Day 100 to Sober Second Half

Happy Day 100 to Laurie Lynn

Happy Day 100 to BetterThisWay

Happy Day 300 to Ingrid!

Happy Day 300 to Sarita!

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I’m tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

18 thoughts to “new me version 2.0”

  1. Congrats to Mr. Belle~ I want to say your not being selfless….. it helps you too. I wish my BF was a non drinker it just helps, like enjoying the same hobby. However we can’t control others or change others…… sucks! lol

    Glad to hear your funk finally moved on~ hugs!
    MB

  2. Hard to believe that my (fake) name is up there in red, following the number 100! Thanks, Belle. Good luck with immigration and keep a laser focus on Belle 2.0 – you’re already her, you know…you just have to believe you are!

    1. you’re so sweet, thanks for this. I may be belle 2.0. maybe I’m working on 3.0 and I don’t even know it. or the millennial edition. or xp. or some other fancy name!

  3. I guess Mr. B has been sober this last year in support of you. Nevertheless, if a person has to make plans and decisions about whether or not to drink doesn’t that mean something?

    Anyway, good luck with all this bureaucratic and other crap, you sound good. You are handling it.

    1. turns out it was me making the plans for him. I asked a couple of times “what do you think you’ll do after your anniversary?” and I realize it was me asking the questions. he has no plans at all of his own. he doesn’t think about drinking. (oh my god!)

  4. Congrats to all who are succeeding at this sober living. I’m proud of all of you for steering your cars and keeping your lives in order. No matter what anyone else does….

  5. Boy your story here was explaining me on your feelings. Thanks for the pep talk. I will have good, warm, positive thoughts for your meeting

  6. My Mr. has been (mostly) sober with me since January and it’s made a huge difference in our house and marriage. He’s a normie but quickly realized how much better his sleep has been and how he was less depressed and moody. It’s been such a blessing. I hope your Mr. B find a path that supports both of you.

  7. hope your meeting goes well.

    and congratulations to Mr B on his soberversary. it must be a twitchy time for him, as well. remember that he was put on this earth to teach YOU something, yes?! now you just have to work out what that is today 😉 good luck to you both with that, too! 🙂 xx

    1. turns out he’s not that interested in drinking again. he has no ‘plan’ to drink. which is, of course, so interesting. me? I’d be planning …

  8. Good luck for your meeting, Belle! Hope all goes well. Haven’t been in exactly that situation, but that sort of thing totally stresses me out… dealing with bureaucracy difficult at the best of times, but when you’re away from home country always worse! Sounds like you’re well prepared. Can I get your micro emails? Sounds v interesting 🙂 xxx

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