The booze. It’s a fucking nightmare.

from my inbox:

From L (day 104):

I am having trouble really forgiving myself [for things done when drinking] even though I know it is long in the past, that the loved one I hurt in that moment loves me, and that I am there for her in every possible way. I just can’t fathom the years of drunk stupors I made my family endure. What a fucking waste of time and life and energy and joy. Where is this forgiveness? Oh dear, what a mess and waste. The thing that changed for me was the need for clarity in my thinking (strength) and drinking made me second guess everything (weakness). That has always been the struggle, to feel as though I had some “right” in my world…some self declared personhood. Alcohol silenced that anxiety. I could go into that magical space and have my own private party. It has been rather easy to follow the path of sobriety but I wonder if there is harder work that I need to engage in to really cement this change. Forgiveness? I don’t know yet where that lies. Just needed to share and thanks for listening.”

me:  I think the first step is simply writing it out, and saying the words “I forgive you” because it was the booze doing that, not you. The booze robbed you of stuff, fucked things up, created situations. You may not really forgive yourself (yet) but you can practise saying the words. “Booze did this to me and I will not let that happen again. Booze allowed me to hurt her, and I would never do that in my right mind, and will never let it happen again.” Anger is fine. Sadness is fine. And more excavation is also fine. Forgiveness is fine, too. Forgiveness does not mean “oh, it’s nothing” … Forgiveness means “I know you fucked up and we’ve moved on and are in the process of repairing things.” I forgive you, because I know it was the booze. You can forgive you, too. The booze. It’s a fucking nightmare.
love and hugs, me

L:

Yes it was the booze (why didn’t I think of that!). I am a loving person … I’m taking my virtual electronic hug right now. Thank you thank you.Your guidance is invaluable.”

~

Happy Day 50 to Old_dude29!

Happy Day 50 to Lindsay30!

Happy Day 50 to Julie Nicole!

 

 

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

4 thoughts on “The booze. It’s a fucking nightmare.

  1. This is so timely for me; I so much needed to hear this. I have been dealing with so many emotions that have been repressed for so long because the booze kept me “numb” from feeling. The forgiveness is taking a good bit of work. Thank you Belle, your words help get a perspective; “Booze did this to me and I will not let that happen again.” The booze is a FUCKING nightmare!

  2. Oh, man, forgiveness–forgiving self and giving people time to forgive you–that’s probably been the hardest thing about getting sober. It’s like, when you’re drinking, you can just ignore it all by simply drinking later that day, that week, that month. I have had a VERY hard time accepting that some people will never forgive me. I think it’s a lesson, though, in not only forgiving myself (hey, I am OK even though they don’t think I am OK), but also in stopping being a perfectionist/control freak, being more accepting of How Things Are. I can’t change some things, and no amount of self-berating is going to make that different. What I can change is how I think about it, that I say to myself, I don’t HAVE to let this bother me anymore, I have done what I can, now it’s time for me to move on and for you–those who have not been able to forgive, including myself!–to deal with what is yours to deal with, not mine. Deep breath. Thank you, Belle!!!

  3. Wolfie – things I hate about you: You make me feel guilty. I cannot forgive myself for falling for your lies. You smell. Your breath, body, and feces stink and no amount of perfume or bathing can stop the stench. You give me nightmares that break up the insomnia that you also give me. You leave me exhausted and jumpy at the same time. Also, you are depressing. So FUCK YOU!

    1. Atta girl, Wanda, send that bastard on down the road. Wolfie is the biggest liar, crusher of dreams, denier of realism I have ever had the NON-Pleasure of knowing. He will wreck you but you can Check Him At the Door and Refuse to allow entry. You can do it. We are here for you.

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