I’ve got too much to lose

sorry sorry for mentioning my health issues in the last post — i just wanted to make a parallel to sobriety. don’t be worried about me 🙂 i’m being well taken care of by a lovely socialized health care scheme! let me close this by saying that the results of my 24 hour monitoring were not what we hoped, and so now we’re changing my drugs (again) and scheduling another hospital procedure for a month’s time. The doctor actually said to me “you’re not easy.” will this get fixed i ask. yes, he says.

in the meantime i can run, do my job, cater some upcoming meals for tourists passing through town, and make 600 cupcakes for a big party in a few weeks. i’m not unwell. and i did begin planning for our summer trip, but the house we want to rent is only available in august, the dog-hottest weeks of the year for that part of the world (40C hot). so maybe september is looking better after all… will wait and see. have plenty to worry about right in front of me. Stay Here, you might say 🙂

Interestingly, when i got home from the very late cardiologist appt (he saw me on a rush at the end of his day, so it was 10:30 pm by the time i got home), i came home to Mr. B. making supper. we sat the dining room table — hooray — and had a talk about stuff. medical and otherwise.

I said: Honestly, i’m so tired, hungry, and disappointed. I think that wine would be a good idea.

Not really a craving, more of a thought.

Mr. B: “I wouldn’t drink now.”

me: no you probably wouldn’t. you’re nearly at your one-year mark.

Mr. B: “I wouldn’t want you to drink.”

me: no?

Mr. B: “We used to drink to relax. Now if we drank, we’d just be thinking about everything you would be giving up. Your blog …” And then he says in english: “and all de sober girls.”

So you see, even Mr. B, the man with no real wolfie, knows that being sober is a place you don’t easily turn away from. Fear of regret. Consequences of taking one drink. we’re one drink away from a new day 1. Not Today.

Mr. B. gives me the hairy eyeball.

me: don’t worry about me. i can’t drink. i’m on beta blockers. and I won’t drink anyway. I’ve got too much to lose.

~

Happy Day 50 to Mel P!

Happy Day 50 to Erin Marie!

Happy Day 100 to Jz!

Happy Day 100 to TheFace!

Happy Day 100 to Wanting to be a Sober Mom!

Happy Day 100 to Gail!

Happy Day 180 to Cat Girl!

Happy Day 180 to Julieanne!

Happy Day 200 to Nic!

Happy Day 200 to Jules!

Happy Day 200 to DianeLouise!

Happy Day 300 to Sara St!

 

 

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I’m tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

20 thoughts to “I’ve got too much to lose”

  1. Worry about one’s health is something that people do. No apology needed. And sometimes husbands DO notice things! 😉

  2. Let first say that you are amazing. I truly hope your new meds work perfectly, and you are up and running better than ever soon. I completely related to your conversation. It really is easy to start thinking that it would be nice to take the edge off. I needed to read this post. You never cease to amaze me. Take care and enjoy your life. 🙂 – Heather

  3. May I just say “shit”. I know everything will work out just fine but that wasn’t the outcome any of us were hoping for, so shit, shit, shit. Now we can move on, be de sober girls and cheer for you this time. Congrats to all on the list above too.

  4. Well Belle–you are stuck with us caring about you so get over it when we express concern : ) I could tell you hated it before you “apologized” in your post today because you never respond to “those” comments. It’s okay for us to give a shit about you. Really. : )

    1. : ) you’re lovely. it’s totally ok for people to worry, but when I was in early sobriety I tended to focus my worries externally, instead of dealing with myself. and i see that happens sometimes here on the blog, too. Then i start getting emails about how people don’t want to check in because they’re worried about ‘burdening me’, etc.

      So, you’re right, I definitely downplay my stuff … because really, for you to worry about me would be distracting to your sobriety. You take care of you. Mr. B and I will take care of me : ) You can send me hugs and kisses, but don’t worry… or you can always say, my favourite, ‘pat pat’.

  5. Awesome post! Love what your hubby said. He sounds darling. We are lucky to have such support. Hope your heart problems resolve themselves and thanks for all you do!

  6. You are in my thoughts. I too have the”this would be the time” thoughts…last night actually…but it is never the time…I would roll down that hill so fast, I would never catch the beautiful, clear view from the top.
    Sober living is so much more intense and vivid.
    Ever grateful.
    LD

  7. Belle thinking of you and sending love and big hugs! You have touched so many people. For each one of us you have also impacted and helped spouses, kids, families, coworkers and communities and it goes on and on.. So what you are doing really isn’t small. It’s HuGE! We are all 1 drink away from day 1 and that is scary… But we have a place and a friend to go to cheer us on and to say it out loud and to tell us we are not broken and it will be ok.

  8. And all de sober girls say, “Doo do doo do doo do do doo…”
    You rock Belle, and so does Mr. Belle.

    Hugs and Kisses and ‘pat pat’

  9. Belle: Your challenge, blog, and emails have helped me a lot. I realized two things today.

    First, I don’t want to give up feeling fine, being able to do my work on time, etc. I don’t want to go to the dark room, watch bad TV, and drink wine (wolfie does but I do not).

    Second, I realized that when people mention wine, as in “I am having a glass of wine?” or “I am making my own wine.” What I hear is: WINE! WINE! WINE! You MUST have some WINE! Have some WINE! NOW! Go get WINE! Get lots of WINE! WINE! WINE!

  10. Hope you’re doing fine. I love Mr B’s supportive way of reminding you; he sounds a lot like my husband. I see this is two days old and health is dynamic so I suspect the news may have changed.

    Raising my glass of cran-grape juice by Ocean Spray–it’s the best by far.

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