Tired of Thinking About Drinking

i’ve drawn all of my 8 tentacles back into myself

i have some typical characteristics of over drinkers. I’m sensitive — to people, to emotions, to noise, to stuff. I’m an over-thinker. I’m sucky at self-care. I crave treats. I’m not unfamiliar with chaos.

All of these things become really evident once I’m alone. I was crying when Mr. B left this morning, and then minutes after the door closed, I was in bed under the covers, reading my book. I went for a run, bought treats, and settled into a really nice and easy day. I watched a hockey game, ate, rested, watched half of a movie, some cooking shows, enjoyed the sunshine, and generally i’ve felt at ease.

It’s like i’ve drawn all of my 8 tentacles back into myself.

source

and now i’m just doing what I want, when I want to.

When Mr. B. is here, which is always, i’m sensitive to what he’s doing. I hear him. I pay attention to him. I realize that we’re both online too much. I plan whether to eat now or later based on what he’s doing. I know it’s time for bed and he wants to stay up longer… or he wants to go to bed earlier.  then once we’re in bed, I hear him sleeping (!).

now that he’s gone, it’s like i’m not responsible to or for anyone. for anything. to be clear, mr. b makes no demands on me. it’s not that he likes dinner at 7 pm or anything like that. in fact, he’s just the opposite. and i feel like i wait for him to give me signs. eat now or later? he’s actually fine with both. it’s me who does all the dancing around him.

right before he left this morning, i told him that the last time we’d spent any time apart, i was still drinking, and i used to plan to fill my evenings with wine. Now, in the absence of wine, i was going to — instead — push the reset button and see if i can just focus on doing what i want. can i really feel myself on the inside, just take care of me. can i just focus on me, and not worry about him.

i told him i was going to spend the next 9 days alone EITHER working or cleaning or reading or doing nothing.

I’m going to see if i can actually find out what i FEEL like doing. can i be still long enough for the next right action to present itself. apparently i felt like writing this 🙂 now i feel like a bath. it’s 8:23 pm local time. I feel like watching Remains of the Day and then going to bed. I feel like sleeping 10 hrs. I feel like mr. b’s flight should land just as i go to bed, and then i can turn off the phone and just sleep …

there’s a co-dependent, critical, enmeshed word for people like me. It’s really easy to be critical. Today I call it being honest.

source

~

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14 thoughts on “i’ve drawn all of my 8 tentacles back into myself

  1. Jeannie on said:

    Belle, i hope that you really enjoy your time alone. My husband is going away next weekend, only for four days and as much as I say I can’t wait, things are different when he is gone. The house is so, so quiet. Until last year I had a dog in the house and even though I had to come home directly after work to take care of her, she was good company. I hope that you do whatever it is you want to do with mr b gone and that you relish the peace and quiet.
    Jeannie
    Day 116

  2. I would be taking baths all the time in that tub!! Enjoy!

    xo-Lirpa

  3. Ah, enjoy your next nine days of peace and quiet. Enjoy just being you and not having to dance around Mr. B and trying to figure out when to eat, when to run, when to read or when to take a bath. Just do them whenever you want! My hubby goes out of town sometimes and I kinda enjoy the first few days. I usually go on cleaning frenzy and toss stuff out(kind of a pack rat hubby I have.)

  4. Jennifer Anne on said:

    Sending you hugs and warm thoughts. I’m right there with you in the “more time on me” focus once and awhile. Without guilt at the thought of all that self time, or booze to numb it.
    Just quiet, recharge your battery time. Awesome and so worth it.

  5. I’m a little jealous. I would absolutely kill for a little alone time. If that is your tub I’m doubly jealous.

  6. My husband also does a lot of traveling and I loved sitting down with wine and cheese and crackers (no need for a meal). I worried about his traveling after I stopped drinking. What would I do with my time. I was amazed at how easily a glass of cranberry juice could replace the alcohol. And I didn’t worry about slurring when he called to say goodnight!

  7. My husband travels a lot also, I relish the first four or five days and indulge myself, then I spend the next four or five days anxiously waiting for him to come home.

  8. I get to be alone quite a lot. I find it best to start out the day with some exercising too…then I indulge. I mostly enjoy being alone, and I think it’s a female thing to notice the people we have around us and try to figure out what they want/need. Even if not asked. Overachiever much? 😀

    I love it that you are out there <3

    Lifeasirockit

  9. You are just so good at figuring out “what works.” Quite a talent you have there Belle. Glad that it sounds like you will enjoy some of the time even though you’ll miss Mr. Belle.

    Congratulations to all of the challenge members!

  10. You saved me tonight Belle, I’m on day….? June 9, 2013. Never been able to do that in 32 years! I’ve been a lurker and this is my only “AA”. I only commented once several months ago when I NEARLY drank. Today I could not stop crying and decided when I get home I’m having some of the Mister’s scotch, just one, for my nerves…which went to…..wonder if he has vodka, maybe there is a beer and I could have one of each…only 3 cuz I could not quite crying… after 8 months WTF!!??? That is crazy and I had been doing so well…I decided to read your blog today before I drank…. That was 3 hours ago, tea, food, tub, and no booze, but that was a close one. Thanks for posting just the right blog..I don’t believe in coincidence ….I know it was a God thing!
    So sorry to hear about the death in the family..life is so brief and fragile, glad to be present and alert. Blessings and hugs to you two!xxxx

  11. Enjoy your alone time and take care of you time -JUST YOU!!!!

  12. Thank you for all of the support you give so freely to us.
    bizi

  13. Clara Crosby on said:

    Hmmmmmm. Alone time. I would order a pizza and eat it in bed. Then have the leftovers for breakfast. End of day one.

    Not sure what I’d do with the alone time on the other 8 days.

    I hope you fill your time with things that make you happy. Three years sober deserves lots of treats!

    Congratulations to all the sober-versary celebrations!! -Clara

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