MoMaH (day 1): “Thank you Belle, your last message really struck home for me. I am making myself suffer needlessly by this pattern of on-again off-again sobriety. The other thing that caught my attention was the comment about it’s not enough to just keep trying harder — I need a real plan to deal with what I know will be the challenges. So I have made my plan and today is my last day 1. I am excited, apprehensive, optimistic.
Belle, I don’t know who you are or why you have taken on this mission to reach out to people like me but I thank God that you have made yourself so generously available. You are part of my plan to reach out and accept support where and how it is offered — recognizing that this journey I have committed to cannot be made alone. So thank you — I will be in touch again at the end of my last Day 1 this evening.”
me: you’re welcome you’re welcome. i’m not sure why i do this either. it really is a gift to be on the sidelines while people (you!) make big changes in your life. it’s like you do all the hard work and i throw some glitter. I think i do this also because it helps me to be sober. it’s like i’ve trapped myself in a happy sober life and every day i build up the walls ever-so-much-higher so that relapse just can’t be an option for me. Being your penpal is like sober insurance. And honestly it reminds me that where you are — which is where i was many times — is such a hard place, and i never want to go there again. do you know what i mean? you help me remember day 1. Or even when i was still on day 0, drinking, reading sober blogs, and I was hoping to be able to get my shit together to even have a day 1. So really, you are helping me; by being honest with how crappy day 1 is, you remind me that it really does suck (cuz i sometimes forget or wolfie lies to me and tells me it’ll all be worth it). Then when i have a romantic notion of “just one glass of wine,” I can say to myself that it’s really not worth it. and i can really mean it.
Cuz it’s just not worth it. hugs, me