attitude adjustment

i seem to have fallen into a ‘trough’ today.

trough (trɒf/) noun
noun: trough; plural noun: troughs
a long, narrow open container for animals to eat or drink out of.

although to be fair, it’s probably more like a ditch:

ditch (dɪtʃ/)noun
noun: ditch; plural noun: ditches
a narrow channel dug at the side of a road or field, to hold or carry away water.

yes, i’m in a ditch on the side of the road. well, that’s not strictly true, because my sober car is still moving forward. the engine is running. it’s just travelling slowly. i seem to have not quite enough gas today. or there’s a slow leak in one of my tires. or it’s foggy. what’s the right way to describe this?

well i’ve got a case of the “mehs” or the “blahs”

i need … oh here it is, i need a jumpstart. my sober car needs a jumpstart.

there is no danger in this car truly going off the road, but holy i could use with an attitude adjustment today.

i am making food today, but feel quite uninspired. the weather is cool and grey (4C). i had a good sleep. i had a good breakfast.

a series of small ‘blah’ ‘meh’ moments that just seem to have added up. tv shows uninteresting.

i set up a catering special-event but so far no one is interested … meh.

we’ve been trying to find an office for my husband to move into so he can stop working from home, and found a nice shared one, but was just informed that it fell through cuz his co-sharer is worried that he’s going to disrupt her if he’s there every day… um isn’t that what co-sharing an office means? it’s sort of like we know that moving him to a separate office is the goal now, but can’t figure out how to get there, except to keep on trudging … blah.

that’s life isn’t it 🙂 you get a cloudy day, so you have a treat, a nap, a run, and wait for the weather to clear. and you keep on trudging.

today is not a running day for me, but i think i’ll go anyway. and i may have a hamburger for dinner. cuz that always pleases me. and i may clean the bedroom. because some decluttering and puttering is always a good idea.

ok. i’ll go run now. and i’ll run until i have an attitude adjustment.

** edit. i think the source of my biggest ‘meh’ is about my husband’s work situation. so if you could send good vibes that he moves into a separate office, soon, within our budget, within an hour’s commute from here, that’d be swell. **

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I’m tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

19 thoughts to “attitude adjustment”

  1. You are okay, always remember that.
    As long as you are identifying and talking about it, you will get through.
    One day at a time or if need be, one hour at a time.
    Remember how strong we are and don’t try to take on problems of others.

    Run and let your feelings of trough stay behind you.

  2. I think a run and a hamburger are exactly what you need. Remember the “treats” you tell us to have??!! Those blah days are not nice but, unfortunately, are inevitable to live through to get to the “wow”” days. Tonight, try to think back over the day and remember just one or two things that were special about today. You may just be surprised.

  3. I always admire the way you deal with your blah’s. A run, hamburger, and some puttering sounds great. Sending you and your husband good thoughts for a new office situation. It will happen! xx

    1. I went and bought some freshly ground steak and some eggplant hummus thing (goopy stuff) and I’m going to make some homemade buns. this plan should work!

  4. Any option to rent a larger apartment so you could both work from home without disturbing each other? I have been wanting to make a change for a while…something similar to yours (but different of course). I found myself obsessing about the change….Waking up with anxious thoughts in the morning, dreaming about it, beating myself up that it hasn’t happened. Trying to make something happen before it is time. It sometimes causes me to get a flat tire, to veer into the ditch. I am trying to let it go for a time and see if another (maybe a better?) solution is really waiting on the horizon.

  5. Listening to other people’s trials and tribulations/their stories is bound to affect you. I used to be a social worker, and at times it was hard to separate my own feelings from the client’s pain. Having empathy for others is a gift, but can be taxing. The amount of emails you shared that you receive daily is astounding. Just don’t forget that to take care of you too! On melancholy, I’ve come to learn that it just comes and goes, sometimes with no rhyme or reason. When it hits me hard my go to response is to . . . drink. I tell myself, “See, life is boring without alcohol.” Damn that wolfie!

    1. I seem to be pretty good at separating external from internal… but for the sake of my marriage, I’d like my husband and I to have a new work arrangement. and soon! and I’d like my catering thing to flourish. and I’d like the weather to improve. and I’d like it all right NOW ! (ha!)

  6. look at all that you’ve done so far! so much, so so so much. the office sitch will work itself out, it really will. in the meantime, all you have to do is keep doing what you’re doing… run, treats, do your to-do items (i know the feeling; i have to write 1500 words on biologics manufacturing today=i win?), and just go to bed. these stupid days come–and they go! tomorrow, you might not even remember how you were feeling today, you know? hugs!

    1. there is no part of a 1500 word article on anything that would please me … so I’m glad that it’s you and not me! I’m back from my run and already feel 50% better. really. I should just run every day … now there’s an idea …

  7. The Blahs can suck it Big Time !!!! I hate those…. they are always a great excuse for me to drink. Feeling that way today too. The endorphin release of running or any exercise is great. I find that after years of running, my body can’t take it anymore…it’s hard to find another outlet, but yoga and swimming also feel good FYI. As I pray to God for my husband to find a job, I will pray yours finds a good and affordable work space. Even though I know you don’t believe in God, we need all the help we can get:) heading to AA today to see how lucky I am to have dodged some bullets and hear how others feel the same as me.

  8. Hope you feel better Belle! A burger is an excellent idea. I am sure the space will work itself out. Sending good thoughts your way. Maybe you should paint your toe nails a peppy color too- just to be on the safe side! That is a small things that makes me feel better.

  9. So this my second time coming across your blog. I have this private war with alcohol, all consuming. I hate the way I feel the next day; guilty, sad, unmotivated, queasy, and hungover. I am tired of feeling guilty. I read your blogs and liked the “all your free time”. It is the after work til bed that is the bitch! Ican turn down doughnuts AND cheesecake, but not a drink. I can’t have just one either. Thank you for having the blog.

    1. my view would be to not turn down cheesecake and donuts : ) once you decide to be sober, having some treats is a super good idea! let me know if you’d like to sign up for the challenge. there’s lots of support for you here in the sober world. hugs, belle xo

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