anonymous confession booth 2

I’ve done this before. I’d like to do it again.

For one day only, i’m creating an anonymous sober confession booth. You may have often felt: “i wish that i could tell someone ‘this’ story” — you know, the story that was swirling around in your head. that you can’t really share with anyone.

we don’t usually tell our shitty stores. Personally, I hate dwelling in the past — unnecessarily. Yes, sometimes we have to excavate. But i don’t want to wallow. And there’s a very fine line between the two.

So here’s the deal.

1. Post a comment below. This is primarily for members who are new and didn’t participate the last time I did this.

2. For this to work you MUST leave your name and your email and your website address BLANK in the comments form (if you forget, i’ll go in and delete that info manually). all comments are to be anonymous.  one of the comments will be from me, you just won’t know which one.

3. I have no way of personally knowing who posts what. Promise.

4. In your comment, write two or three sentences (max.) about something that you’d like to be forgiven for that happened to you, or that you did, because of alcohol. For example, i’ll make one up: “i crashed my mother’s car while drinking but claimed it was a hit and run.”

5. Then take a second and post ONE anonymous ‘reply’ to one of the other comments already posted, and say something comforting, consoling, forgiving, kind.

i have a feeling that this will unfold in a lovely way. because you’re all lovely people. and we all have alcohol-related secrets. what’s yours?

PS. if your name/email automatically shows up when you start to enter a comment, you can manually delete them OR you can ‘log out’ of your blogging profile.

Belle

I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

57 thoughts on “anonymous confession booth 2

  1. When I had plenty to drink, I would often fake-cry to get my own way. I’d magnify events. I would have big arguments with my partner. It’s hard to admit that to anyone. I was a drama queen and I knew I was doing it, but I felt justified.

    1. I did similar. Many people I know did similar. Do you do it now you don’t drink? Well, there we go. There’s your answer. It wasn’t you. It was Wolfie-d you.

  2. Mine is real bad stuff and I never did this comment before and wanna test it first. My stuff might be too crappy for public viewing.

  3. Hidden bottles – I got into hiding bottles – all over – I’d put them in an empty briefcase in my office after being online ‘doing shit’ for hours while guzzling that wine, or in the low cupboard under my computer, or behind the waste basket, or in a laptop bag. Then I would gather a few up, (when home alone during the day, of course) and cart them off with me -hidden- in a bag in the back of the car. Then I would toss a few at gas stations, car washes, recycling places….JUST TO REDUCE the number of bottles going out in my own trash! Yikes. yes, I did that. Oh, …and more than once 🙂

    I came out of hiding a couple of times and now again. This time I gathered up ALL the hiding bottles (sound like they are characters in my novel) and took them to my own trash. And I did not do this when home alone – I could have even gotten caught – Ha!!

    1. I used to take my wine bottles to work and drop them in the recycle basket. I would also wrap the bottles in newspapers so there would be no clanging sound when I dropped the garbage bag into the bin. So glad no longer having to live this kind of lie.

    2. I would stash bottles in public bins all the time. I don’t know who I thought was going to be checking my recycling bin. It was a manifestation of the shame, I think. This is totally normal, hiding bottles. Nothing to stress about at all.

    3. another bottle stasher here. I smuggled a batch of them out every few weeks and took them to the recycling centre. Every time I got rid of the bottles I would swear I would never do it again. I did this for about the last three years of my drinking. It made me feel so ashamed of myself and deceitful. I am also so glad I don’t do this any more.

    4. You are not alone. Every time I did the same thing I felt like I was lying. I was lying every time I drank (all the time) because I was supposed to be “sober” – such a joke. It’s really nice not to lie anymore. I like the truth much better, even when it hurts.

    5. can totally relate. I drop my wine bottles in other people’s garbage on the way to work. They are hidden all over the house. I think I will continue to “discover” them like archeological artifacts for years to come.

    6. I did this too – the back shed is full of hidden bottles, rinsed and tucked away in plastic bags. I know there are some tucked away with the grilling stuff on the porch, and some in my closet and probably others I’ve forgotten about – I’m on day 31 here and this one probably makes me feel the most sheepish right now – who did I think I was fooling?.

  4. Fake cryer, good that you recognize this in yourself. Admission is half the problem of getting to a solution. Thank you.

  5. I hit another car enroute to get more wine. It was winter and I didn’t bother clearing my windshield of frost. They had a baby in the car but thankfully, no one was injured. I manipulated my way for them not to call the police and instead, let the insurance take care of it. Luckily, they did not question my state of mind or suspect I was drinking. I decided not to get the car repaired and instead, accepted the insurance payout. Since then, I have never owned a car and the few times I’ve rented a car, I’ve never drank. It wasn’t enough to stop me from drinking, but it was enough to stop me from ever drinking and driving.

    1. I’m impressed that you never drank and drove again. Many do. It was a scare that made you change your behaviour and that’s huge. You never have to go through that again.

  6. I would steal money from work to buy booze then got fired. Not one time but twice, losing 2 great jobs now unemployed but finally realizing I can’t drink

    1. I stole spirits from other people’s houses. I stole wine from work, the wine that was meant to be drank in toast to people’s birthdays or engagements. This drives us to do mad things we wouldn’t normally do.

    2. In a way you are lucky, the negative ways alcohol affected you became so obvious and the consequences so clear, that you don’t have to ask yourself is it a good idea to drink? Obviously the answer is No! You get to start over now, and create the life and job you want. Someday you’ll see how much compassion you have, and how you help others, knowing what damage alcohol can do. Proud of you for admitting this and working on it!

  7. I was at a trade show in Vegas 2 years ago. I have no idea how the conversation started, but I apparently told my boss & the CEO about one of my colleagues who was having fertility issues and that if and when she got pregnant she would quit. This should have been private between the 2 of us. I am lucky I still have my job – i have a very understanding boss who accepted my, I never drink like that, but got caught up in the whole Vegas thing and it will never happen again, story. I also apologized to my CEO with the same results.
    Fast forward to last year at the same show – I drank in my room.
    This year, the show is in 3 months and I will be the sober person at dinner every night.

    1. Alcohol does make sharing personal information seem like a juicy confessional, and I did more than my fair share of the same. What makes you great here is that you understood the importance of changing your drinking so you don’t jeopardize your career, or the career of others! I’m glad you won’t be hiding in your room drinking at the next show, but will instead be joining the party, clearheaded and calm! You’ll have a blast and nothing to regret!

  8. I don’t have one big thing but here are several smallish confessions that have been weighing me down:

    – I once took a 12hr road trip with my parents and little brother. I was smashed the entire ride because I had a juice bottle filled with rum with me in the backseat. I don’t know if they could tell. Nobody said anything but nobody asked me to drive either.

    -before I decided to quit (day 26 today!) I was becoming very attached to those little tiny airplane sized bottles of flavored vodka. Several times per week I would get 2-4 of those and slam them back on my way to the train station. Reasoning that the commute was so horrible and depressing that I needed to take the edge off. Sometimes I would get a bottle of wine too and drink that at home with my husband who would have no idea that I’d already had several tiny vodkas. Occasionally I’d find myself wasted in the bathtub drinking more after he went to bed. Sometimes I had to vomit. He doesn’t know any of this.

    -I used to manage a boutique with an attached cafe and I can’t even tell you how many shots of expensive liquor I snuck when I was closing the store alone. The burden of guilt was intense but I did it anyway.

    1. I used to drink on the way to the train station. On the train. On the way from the train station to home.
      Sneaking drinks is very common. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Just be glad you don’t have to do that anymore.

  9. I’ve never told anyone this. I’m disgusted with myself. I slept with my second cousin (my cousin’s son) on his 21st birthday when I was in a blackout. I was over 10 years older than him at the time and had been close to the family since he was a teenager. I hadn’t met him as a kid, but still. Worse, I did it again in another blackout a few months later.
    I am terrified my family will find out. I was the senior in that situation and even though (I strongly suspect, I can’t remember) he initiated both instances, I should have put a stop to it. It haunts me daily. I am so appalled at my behaviour. Second time, I was in a relationship. Both times, he was in a relationship.
    Ugh, ugh, ugh. It’s my worst ever blackout deed.

    1. I don’t know you, but I promise I don’t judge you. It takes major guts to admit this happened but IMHO you were not conscious, you were in a blackout, and did something you’d never, ever do elsewise. I don’t think you’re the guilty party here considering that you were blacked out. Not sure how drunk he was, but if he wasn’t blacked out, then it’s possible to look at it from the angle that he took advantage of you. Either way, just because you were older does not mean it was your fault, sex takes two, and you were both legal adults who drank way, way too much. The good news is that now that you’re sober, nothing like this will ever happen again! That must be a big relief! Good for you for admitting it, and I hope you can let the fear of being found out, and any guilt about fault go now.

    2. I’ve done something similar, although I remembered it. One night — my boyfriend at the time went out of town — I got drunk on vodka and trolled Craigslist until I found someone to come over and have anonymous sex with. It’s good you’re living honestly now. That’s what counts. Congrats on that front! Alcohol can bring out our darkest impulses. Day 29 for me.

  10. I’m sure there’s so much more but here are some downer highlights from the last 22 years of drinking: I passionately kissed a friends boyfriend in front of other people at a party, I told her later and she was ok with it, but how tacky to do that to a good friend, and my boyfriend at the time. I told another old friend (married) I used to have a big crush on him. It wasn’t even true, I had once a decade prior contemplated the idea of him for a few days, but now when I see him, he thinks I have/had special feelings for him. I slept with a bottle next to me, fully clothed on the couch more times then I can count. I got date raped the first time I drank, but continued to go out with this guy who I thought might love me! I drank like a fish and went to work so hungover so many times, hating myself, I couldn’t see how manipulative my boss was being because hangovers make me so unsteady emotionally. The last time I drove really drunk, the random guy at the liquor store actually cut me off, he said I was too drunk to buy more. When I woke up the next morning with a monster hang over, the guilt and embarrassment from driving in that state was enough to get me to stop drinking and driving. I missed by inches hitting a parked car head on, while riding my bike at night and looking at the moon, a close call since I wasn’t wearing a helmet. I started huge, crazy fights with my fiancée the morning after drinking took much, screaming like a crazy person. Hangovers really made me a monster emotionally. The worst (ever) was when I threw my cup of burning coffee at him, and he cried when it scalded his back. Low, super low, still feel awful about that. Sigh! I went online and stalked old lovers, and then felt tortured and pathetic the next morning. I had a couple sexual flings with women when I was involved with and living with men. I isolated myself from people and hobbies so I could drink without others seeing me do stupid things. The thing I hated the most about drinking was that I had started to lived in the shadows of my life, hiding bottles, hiding hangovers, hiding from a fully realized life. Not sure where the authentic me began, and the drinking me ended. Now I get to own my life, my issues, my choices. I’m no longer dealing with a crazed, unpredictable person (drunk me) who comes in and makes stupid messes of things I care about. Sobriety and the clarity of action, thought, and feeling is great!!

    1. I’m so sorry for the guilt you must be carrying. If you can, try to treat yourself with compassion, and know that it wasn’t you who drank while nursing, it was your wolf. I’m sure you are a loving mother and wonderful parent. We beat ourselves up enough as it is. Stop beating yourself up for this, because you are in charge now, not the wolf.

    2. ‘Hiding from a fully realized life’, I so get it. Thanks for helping me to see I’m not the only one who felt that way. Disappointment can be a crushing weight – I’m slowly lifting it off of me myself.

    3. What courage it takes to tell our worst secrets!! And our lives are full of them because we are always hiding, hiding, hiding. God, that shit makes us crazy! Thank you for telling yours.

  11. For two three month chunks, I would drink enough in the evening to want to fall sleep. Awful thing is I was nursing my child then ( between the age of 1 – 2) and I know my child didn’t sleep well during that time (after reading back through my journals). I’m sure my drinking screwed up my kid neurologically/chemically. I could honestly kill myself for doing any damage to my kid. What the f**k was I thinking. Hate myself for this.

    1. Hiding our drinking is a sure sign that we’ve got a problem. If you’re still actively drinking, maybe you should admit this behavior to your GF, and see if you can start to get her support for quitting (all together, or drinking secretly at the very least). It’s easy to hide the drinks here and there, but much harder to hide from the shame and guilt that keeps us at a distance from the people we love. Give honesty a try and see how much better and in control you’ll feel!

  12. I’ve become , I suppose , quite addicted to those one glass wine bottles. Routinely downing a couple , like a shot ! Before seeing my GF ….. Whilst also bringing a 4 pack round……cos that’s all I’m drinking Hun !! Quite often make an excuse to pop to the shop for chocolate and neck a couple more on the way home. That’s besides what I drink at home when I’m alone.

  13. Oh how very many things I have done while intoxicated that I regret. Two come to mind sharply: the time i passed out on the bathroom floor when my husband was gone and my oldest child found me (she was supposed to be sleeping…); and the time I had to call that same child, now a few years older, to tell her that I was being arrested for driving under the influence and would not be coming home that night, because I would be spending the night in jail. I’m grateful no one got hurt and there was no accident involved, but the humiliation of having to tell my family and friends is horrendous. The idea that I thought that was OK is horrendous. Somehow, though, the truth really does set you free. And now I feel like I want a drink. But I won’t. And there is no doubt about this: I will never, never even have a sip of alcohol and drive again, should an unfortunate relapse occur. For now, I’m committed to 100 days, and the next 50+ years. Boy that sounds like a long time.

    1. You can make your children proud by setting a good example and dealing with yourself and past mistakes in a loving and humane way. It’s so hard to know that they witnessed the repercussions of too much alcohol, but you can turn that into inspiration. My guess is that they will be really protective of your sobriety, and you can definitely lecture them openly about the perils of drinking. You’ve lived it and are making it better, good on you, be proud, forgive yourself, and don’t drink…

  14. I remember drinking one more for the road before getting on my bike and riding with some one I had just met at the bar to his house. On the way I crashed, somehow, freakishly, slamming into the street so hard it knocked my teeth out and broke my ulna in two, my arm dangling strangely. I called a friend who picked me up and took me to her house, where she attempted to put a bag of frozen vegetables on my face. When I looked into the mirror, I knew this would not suffice and I needed emergency care, one front tooth still dangled, I would find the other one the next day in the middle of the calm street. I went to school at the hospital the next day, showing up for clinicals looking like I should be admitted, holding my arm with care. My teacher would try to let me continue as best I could in the class, but the director of nursing did not allow this and kicked me out of the nursing program. Found out later that afternoon they would schedule me for immediate out patient surgery…would not admit me as I had no insurance but I could stay 23 hrs as an out-patient. Waking from that surgery was one of the worst times in my life. I felt like a semi truck was parked on my arm and wanted to die, the pain was unbearable. The surgeon had placed a spoon shaped bar and seven screws to hold my ulna together, right in and around my ulnar nerve. I swear the nurses were diluting the morphine as it had no effect and I did not get any relief until getting out of there and picking up some oral pain pills which at long last started to work. The teeth would take quite a while, about a year, before reaching some semblance of normalcy. When drinking, the feeling of sweet oblivion seems so harmless, but so far from the truth.

    1. This is a terrible thing that happened to you! What comes through is how strong you are. Clearly this strength is helping you now. I’m so glad you’re okay, and are working on creating a safe, sober world for yourself.

  15. I have so many disgusting black out drunk nights, but my worst one is when I got my 2nd dui, I had taken my boyfriends daughter to a play, we were all dressed up and she was so excited. We went out to dinner and I decided I could have “one” glass of wine in my coffee cup….well that turned into 4 glasses. Once at the play, they of course they had a bar at a Disney play…..I decided to do some shots. Well I remember getting in a fight with security and somehow getting back to our house. A cop showed up at the house, I was in bed, and said the truck I was driving hit a vehicle leaving the parking lot, at this point my 16 year old son showed up. Well I was arrested, of course, and from what I was told and read on the police report, I was screaming and swearing, kicking the police officer and on and on…..my 18 year old son picked me up from jail that night and I continued to fight with him, jumped out of his truck, it was 20 below and was walking with no where to go. The next day I admitted myself into a psych unit to be evaluated and then went into a 30 treatment program….spent Christmas there! My drunk years started about 5 years ago when my husband killed himself….I finally realize the guilt I have carried has caused me to kill myself slowly with alcohol, I decided that I don’t want to die and my kids deserve to have a mother that doesn’t go out that way.
    I have so many emotional outbursts and regrets I have created just drinking my wine at home…alone, thinking I wasn’t hurting anyone but me but guess what…there is always a price I pay when I open that bottle of wine!!

    1. I am sorry that you hurt yourself and am glad that you found your way. Who knows why it took five years- but isn’t it nice that you can be gentle with yourself now? We all deserve forgiveness.

  16. At friends house drinking heavily. She made up a bed for me in basement. Some time in middle of night had to pee. Somehow made it up two flights of stairs to bathroom. Fell backwards onto toilet breaking it. Flood of water cascading out. Stumbled, fell my way back to basement. Took off wet clothes, fell naked onto electric heater. Could not get up. Felt my flesh burning before I passed out. Ended up with 3rd degree burns on legs and thigh. Paid several thousand dollars to fix damage to house. Made several painful and humiliating visits to burn unit. Stopped drinking for a month. Friendship ended. Drinking got progressively worse after that. Took five more years to stop drinking.

    1. If it wasn’t so painful, your story is almost comical. Everything that could possibly go wrong did! But I’m so sorry you got hurt, and that your friendship was damaged, and that you had to spend all that money for things that really sound like freakish bad luck! And I’m so glad you finally heard the universe yelling to you: stop drinking, it makes a huge mess of things! Again glad you’re ok!!

  17. I was angry that this boy I loved wouldn’t commit to me – so in a drunken haze- I slept with him and two of his best friends together. I cried afterwards all night and all the way home. I was 18. I think I thought I would make him jealous and he would come to his senses. To make matters worse- I continued a train wreck of a relationship with him off and on for fifteen years. I want to forgive myself for whatever that was- a big drunken mess.

    1. You were so young, and he sounds like a really bad guy. It’s hard when we love the wrong people, and for the record he should not have let you be in a situation that really hurt you, drunk or not. The good news is that you’re free of this now. I hope you can remove any guilt and see how totally messed up he was for letting his friends take advantage like that. I’m glad that you are now free to create and foster the kind of life and love you are clearly deserving of.

  18. I ruined my wedding night by being a drunken emotional ass. My new husband didn’t even sleep in the bed. I spent a year planning the wedding down to each detail, only to self sabotage it. Went back to room after reception, got out of dress, into jeans and walked drunk around town with a few of our friends to eat/drink.
    What happened to the pretty bride from we seen at noon? She drank and became ugly.
    People still mention how beautiful the wedding was – and all I can think of is the guilt and shame of that night. If I could just do it again — sober. (23 days)

    1. You are definitely not the only bride whose done this! So much stress, even though it’s a special day, plus too much booze = not the best wedding night. Maybe some day you cans can do a renewal of your vows, and it can be the best (sober and loving) night ever. Forgive yourself, it’s all getting better now that you’re working on being your best self. Not being the best bride definitely does not have to mean that you aren’t the best wife.

  19. Threw my niece a 21st birthday party at a nightclub. Fast forward to 2am, me, the 33 year old let the VIP bottle flow freely – too freely- and had to get wheelchair assistance to her room at the hotel. What a jackass!!!

    1. I’m sure people thought it was funny, even if it makes you cringe. Heavy drinking makes all of us a mess, the important thing is that you’re not going to be in that situation again. Sobriety is freedom from making any more embarrassing memories!

  20. My daughters wanted to have a bon fire with their friends at our house. It sounded like the perfect venue for me to get blatoed. I drank a fifth of vodka and had the kids drive me to the store to get more. I fell in my chair and broke it. I couldn’t get off the ground so they and their friends picked me up and put me to bed. I woke up a couple of hours later and was too drunk to walk the 10 feet to the bathroom so apparently I urinated in the trash can and then proceeded to fall naked down the stairs where all the teenagers had gathered. I’ll never know how much I hurt my girls with my drinking.

    I’m in a beautiful place in sobriety now on day 89 with even brighter days ahead.

  21. Sometimes it does seem the universe has to shout at us to stop the insanity. So sorry this happened to you. We can’t change the past and that’s our burden from this horrible affliction….but your girls are getting to see the sober beautiful you and that is the best gift you can ever give them.

  22. I understand the hurt that comes with our drinking and our children….we are very lucky that they are forgiving, unlike a lot of adults regarding our drinking. I was so drunk this last Christmas I don’t even remember my kids opening their gifts and my daughter’s 21st Bday, yeah, I was hammered and ruined it for my daughter! The good news is now tho, my daughter and I are closer then ever and all our kids truly want is for us to be sober and happy!!! …What helps my battle with the demon alcohol is do I want it to take away those smiles I get in sobriety from my children’s faces!!! Keep fighting, alcohol only causes chaos and pain in my life…I wrote in bright red lipstick on my mirror…NOT TODAY!!!

    1. you are a great example for your daughter, she will grow more and more proud of you and love you more for what you have accomplished. And you will continue to grow as a parent because you are understanding and forgiving. Good luck!

  23. I filled a travel mug of wine and brought it to the playground with my 4 year old son at 11 in the morning. It spilled and other mothers smelled it and were snickering at me. I am so ashamed but at the same time relieved I am finally doing something about this. Looking forward to not living in shame and guilt.

  24. My wonderful hubby took me and his family to watch the queen musical we will rock you. I spent the entire evening necking red wine, even drinking the in-laws wine when hubby said I’d had enough. On the way home I started a massive row on the train station platform screeching at the top of my voice. I don’t remember any more till i woke up the next day. Still cringing about it after all these years. Hubby has put up with so many similar incidences, I’m hoping he’ll see me through these sober times too.

    1. I’ve had quite a few arguments with the hubby, he’s been very forgiving and supportive about my decision, even a little proud I’m sure. Your husband probably feels the same way and doesn’t have the same traumatic flashbacks like we get, so forgive yourself , I’m sure he did long ago.

  25. Your husband knows that episode was not you….it was the poison in you controlling your behavior. He is still by your side so I think he forgives you so now you need to forgive you! Guilt is one of the WORST triggers for getting drunk!! The past is gone…..today you now control sober!!

  26. After a night of fast and heavy drinking, woke up face down in a pool of my own puke, clutching a trash pail that overturned.

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